Desperately seeking depth

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have a male friend who have known for about a year and a half now. He lives about an hour from me and we both have somewhat rigorous work lives, so we don't get together very much. However, whenever we do talk on the phone or hang out (usually at my invitation, though he is quite responsive), I always think he's just the greatest guy and I wish he'd be my boyfriend.

Unlike a lot of guys I've had things for in the past, I don't just have a gooey crush on him. Rather, I just can't help thinking we'd make a great long-term pair. I have a lot of rapport with him and our conversations are often dominated by intense talk about our thoughts and feelings toward our lives and the world. We also have many common interests, similar views on life/morality, and things we'd like to accomplish with our lives. I really respect and admire him, and I rarely think that about the men I date (sad , I know!).

Sounds great, no?

The problem is that I have little faith in myself. My love life always seems to have two groups in it: guys who like me and that I go out with (but who never pan out for long), and guys who I really feel compelled about and get along terrifically with, but who reject me when it comes to dating. I honestly feel ambiguous about the former group, realizing that I'm trying to make it work when I know it's just not right. Granted ,the latter group has not reared its ugly head since my mid-20s (I'm now in my early 30s). But I feel it's hard to shirk the memory of men who I have been very close to, but when it came to dating, just weren't interested.

I've never had a friend of the opposite sex who became something more and I have little idea how that happens. Most of my long -term male friends just become my pals, and they are men who I've decided that I didn't want to be romantically involved with or that I'm simply not physically attracted to.

I know from listening to him talk that he's not dying for a relationship right now. He wants to focus on his career, etc. In fact, he was just dumped recently. To me, the lady sounded like somewhat of a mess who was looking for a stable port in the storm of her life -- for reasons that may include him wanting to focus on his career. Still, it sucks to keep meeting losers in my day-to-day life, while knowing this person exists and not really knowing what to do with him. Should I wait it out? Make a move? I, too, am not dying for a relationship (meaning that I'm not unhappy alone), but I do adore him and wish I had more of him in my life.

-- Geri

Dear Geri,
The only thing that I can tell you is that it sounds like, despite your heartbreak, you have the right idea about whom you should be seeing and whom you should not. I would cautiously let your friend know that you are interested in him in a romantic sense. There is no guarantee that you won't be rejected, but one must keep trying for the situations you know make sense and feel right.

It also sounds like, in the past, your fear of rejection caused you to be reluctant to make the leap to showing active interest. At some point, if he is not making the leap, you have to. Dr. Lovemonkey knows what you are talking about, because I made such a leap years ago and was rejected. However, after almost four years, the woman reconsidered. She is now my wife. True love does not always run smooth. To your credit, you are looking for something with depth. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been together with a woman for about a year now. I love her dearly, but recently a guy that she was friendly with got out of prison and soon she was asking me to move out. I know that she is seeing him, but she won't answer the phone when I call and I am having a difficult time confronting her about this. This other guy hasn't moved in or anything, but I know he's around and that they are seeing each other. Even though I've moved out, I do see her on occasion and she is very sweet and loving towards me, although she won't cop to this other relationship that I know is going on. As I said, I love her dearly, but don't know what to do.

-- P.G.

Dear P.G.,
Difficult as it will be for you, you have to stop seeing this woman. Whether she has rejected you for this other guy and is unable to admit it or she just can't make up her mind between the two of you, you have to walk away from this, right now. She may decide that she has made a mistake and she may not. But it is unhealthy for you to continue to be dragged down by this situation. In order for things to work out between you, she has to show a level of commitment that is obviously not there now. So, painful as it may be, you have to lick your wounds and move on.

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