End of the line

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

---

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with my high school boyfriend for the past four years. We first got together when we were 15 and enjoyed a very close relationship. Well, I went off to college and he stayed home, getting into the plumbers union and making pretty good money. I'm going to school in another state and we haven't got to see each other much over the last year. I'll be coming home for the summer, though, and we expect to see each other all the time.

While I was away at school we talked on the phone every night, but since this winter, I've sensed that we are growing apart. He likes to talk about the ball games and what he's been watching on TV and stuff like that. He pretty much has our whole future planned out, assuming that we'll get married and everything.

Here's the problem. While away at school, I've gotten involved in a lot of different things and met a lot of interesting people. I haven't been romantically attracted to anyone yet, but as we talk on the phone, I find that we have less and less in common. It seems that I am growing in a certain direction, and he's still stuck in the same things that we were doing in high school. I love him dearly, but I feel us growing apart and I don't see where I'll be able to pick up where we left off.

When I get home, I'm thinking about breaking off our relationship. It's just not working. I dread the whole process, but I think that this is what I should do. I'm not a snob or anything, it's just that we don't share the same interests anymore. Am I right in breaking this off?

-- Sick About It

Dear Sick About It,
Yes, it sounds like you are growing apart and that it probably would be best to break things off when you get home. This happens, particularly at this time in life when you are discovering different worlds, different ideas, etc. Sometimes the love between two people, and the values and other important things they share, are strong enough to withstand the differences that crop up when partners are on divergent paths. But from what you're telling me, it doesn't sound like that is the case here.

Yes, you probably should make a clean break now and not look back. It is a painful thing to do, especially when this guy seems to be so wrapped up in the future that he's planning for the two of you. But you seem to want new experiences and to investigate different options in life, while he has all but settled into a prescribed and planned-out life. Best to move on, knowing that many other people like certainty and a stolid stability in a mate, and he'll hopefully meet someone more on his wavelength.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been married for seven years and, in the past six months, I've been seeing another woman. I love my wife very much, but I also care deeply for this other woman. She makes me feel young and vital in a way that my wife can't. I'm afraid that my wife will eventually find out about this and don't know what to do. What's your advice?

-- J.R.

Dear J.R.,
First, stop seeing the other woman immediately. Of course your wife will find out if she doesn't already know or suspect something. Marriage is a serious commitment and you are being thoughtless, irresponsible and unfaithful to the person you've committed yourself to. If you want to feel young and vital again, take up tennis or swimming.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a man who is incarcerated. We've been having this ongoing relationship for almost two years. He'll be getting out soon and I'm a bit concerned because, although he's not a violent person, he does have a very bad temper. He's never been physically abusive, but he is verbally abusive when he's upset. He also has very little tolerance for frustration and tends to blame everyone else for his troubles.

The guy really loves me, and most of the time he is so charming and loving toward me, in ways that no one else ever has been. Is there some way that I can maximize all the good in him, and get him to be more thoughtful and lose the temper?

-- Hoping For the Best

Dear Hoping For the Best,
No, there isn't. It sounds like you have had some bad experiences with men and are continuing to bark up the wrong trees. People who are verbally abusive and given to angry outbursts are not likely to change unless they are willing to admit they have a big problem and submit to long-term therapy to deal with it. It doesn't appear that this guy is one who would be willing to do this. It sounds like a bad situation, and I would get out of it as soon as possible.

The other thing you might want to look into is why you choose the men you do. It would be worthwhile for you to seek some counseling for why you are attracted to charming men who are thoughtless and abusive. It is a fairly common syndrome, especially among women. Please, do yourself a favor and sign up for counseling, so you can get some insight into why you are attracted to men like this. There is help available.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archives

---