Swing time?

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 26-year-old male who is newly married (seven months). I am curious about threesomes, as well as swinging. I mentioned my curiosity to my wife and she was uncomfortable. I informed her that it could be straight or bisexual, and I agreed that I would experiment with the bisexual experience if she would, or we could try it straight. I don't want to make her uncomfortable; I just think it could be very interesting, as well as enjoyable, if we were to give it a try. How would I go about trying to make her more comfortable with her own sexuality, so that maybe trying the swinging scene will not be so uncomfortable a thought?

-- Curious

Dear Curious,
I find it interesting that you refer to the option of two women and a man as "straight," and two men and a woman as "bisexual." Dr. Lovemonkey suspects that this is a somewhat subtle indication of a certain orientation of your own, which I would describe as "self-absorbed."

Your wife's discomfort with your idea may have less to do with the gender of the other participant than with the fact that there is another participant. You were married seven months ago. The traditional marriage is that of two people who wish to share their lives in such a way that sexual and other intimacies are exclusive. It could be that this is what your wife had in mind when she married you. This would make sense since this is what marriage is assumed to be about.

Dr. Lovemonkey wonders why, if you would prefer to have a multiplicity of relationships and experiences, rather than share those things exclusively with one person, you would wish to marry in the first place. But since you are married, I would suggest that, rather than trying to sell the idea of group sex or partner-switching (swinging) to your wife, you should just allow her to either accept or reject the idea.

There is something objectionable to me (it goes along with my suspicion of self-absorption) about the way that you chose to word your difference with your wife. You refer to your wife as somehow not being "comfortable" enough with her sexuality to want to engage in the activities you suggest. This implies that anyone who is not interested in having multiple partners is not entirely comfortable with their sexuality. Dr. Lovemonkey isn't buying this. Maybe it's your sexual proclivities that she isn't comfortable with.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm getting married in a few weeks. My husband-to-be is a wonderful person, but there is just one little gnawing habit of his that I find irritating. Actually, it's not a habit, but a problem he has in dealing with his best friend and his best friend's wife.

He and his best friend have been pals since junior high school. We all spend a lot of time together, but his friend's wife has this irritating habit of putting her hands all over my husband-to-be, rubbing his shoulders, putting her arm around him . . . that sort of thing. The friend and the wife seem to think this is entirely reasonable behavior. When I indicate that I'm uncomfortable with it, they try to laugh it off and imply that I'm just acting "jealous" -- an obvious character flaw of mine.

My intended has told me in private that he is not entirely comfortable with her behavior, but he hasn't really done anything to stop it. I have to question his complaint that it makes him ill-at-ease when he hasn't said or done anything about it. Anyway, Dr. Lovemonkey, what's the deal with this?

-- Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Dear Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered,
The implication that you are being "jealous" is merely a convenient way for these people to maintain their insensitivity. Even if they thought that this was harmless fun and games, if it is making someone else uncomfortable, they should have the thoughtfulness and decency to cease and desist. If this behavior makes you feel uncomfortable (and you have every right to feel uncomfortable about such behavior) then it's appropriate to tell your husband-to-be to tell his friend's wife to stop it. He should be emphatic about this. I would also suspect that your husband-to-be is not entirely ill-at-ease with his friend's wife's behavior or he would be firmer in telling her that it's not something he liked.

Basically, your husband needs to grow a backbone and confront his friend about something that is making his fiancee uncomfortable. Your comfort should be an important issue and a priority for him. Perhaps he actually feels similarly to his friends -- that this is all quite innocuous and you are overreacting. This is insensitive and obnoxious behavior on the part of the other couple.

Be assured that your discomfort is not because you are "jealous," but that you have more distinct and defined boundaries than your husband-to-be and his slacker pals. Let him know once again how you feel and tell him that you expect him to do something more forceful about it. If he's any kind of husband for you, he'll do the right thing and put the hard word on his pal's wife, Miss Hands.

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