For mature audiences

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been with my girlfriend, Tanya, for three years (off and on). For about the past year or so, she has been eager for us to move in together. Within this past year, I broke up with her and dated someone else for about four months. At some point, while I was dating the other girl, Tanya and I became intimate again, despite the fact that I told her I was dating someone else. Eventually Tanya told me that she did not want to see me any longer (in any capacity), whether I continued to see other women or not. The thought of losing even just her friendship was unbearable to me.

As a result, I pleaded with her to take me back and shortly thereafter she did. Since then, we've been together for about seven months, and she has given me a very familiar ultimatum: we either move in together in six months or we are history. I have always been honest with her and I trust her implicitly, but now I have reason to feel guilty.I told her that we would move in together, but I'm still not sure if I want to make this commitment, primarily because she has an immature vision of life for a 26-year-old. Am I wrong to mislead her into thinking we will move in together in six months, or do you think it's acceptable for me to view this period as the final countdown to "should I stay or should I go"? I am hopeful that we will "mature" together in the next six months, but I feel terrible about this deception. Should I continue on like this, or risk losing her?

-- Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet,
You don't want to make the commitment to Tanya because you feel that she's too immature at present and you don't necessarily see that changing. If you really don't think that it's a good idea to move in with her, you have to eventually risk losing her friendship. By leading her to believe that you will move in with her, you are merely delaying the inevitable.

You're putting quite a bit of pressure on yourself and the pressure will only build as the weeks and months tick by. If you don't see a future, it's best to tell her that now. Neither of you seems to know what you really want, so I would suggest you break it off and get on with your life. Things might change in the future if the both of you decide to make a go of it. Moving in together in the next six months would be a mistake.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
"If we are to be bluntly honest here, I believe that we should acknowledge this new/old phenomenon in the more appropriate terminology of `Let's get laid with a whole lot of different people,' or `It's orgy time.' "It's obvious you haven't studied the phenomenon of polyamory at all, and spoke off the top of your head. I'm polyamorous and have had exactly one sexual partner, the same one, for the past eight years. I can't help falling in love with people, but that doesn't mean I choose to have sexual relationships with all of them. I term my relationship as polyamorous, because the entire time we've been trying to find another woman who would like to be part of our relationship. You're right -- it's not easy to find more than one person who's on the same wavelength. We're stubborn and picky, and have been looking for a very specific thing.

However, it's also true that very, very seldom do any two people happen to be on exactly the same wavelength. My sweetie and I work hard at finding agreements about behavior that we can live with, and even so, there's always work to do. Being polyamorous is a lot of work, and it's not for everyone.

-- Doe

Dear Doe,
I took a look at the Dr. Lovemonkey archives to try and find the circumstances in which I rendered the advice you're quoting, but I was unable to find the letter in question. That's unfortunate, because, in this advice racket, context is everything.

I would not say that I have "studied" polyamory, but I am familiar with the concept. I don't doubt that there are some people -- a very few -- who would earnestly pursue this particular course of multiple-relationships. An even smaller group may even be able to successfully pull it off.

My belief, however is that the vast majority of human cultures have found monogamy to be more workable and have pursued this course. In the many centuries since this has been the case, social conditioning has virtually hard-wired us to, at best, handle this type of social arrangement. It is hard work, but it's doable for many people. I agree with you that polyamory is not for everyone. The whole thing is problematic because, for it to work, all parties must be in some kind of general agreement. I'm not saying it's impossible, just highly unlikely.

Do you believe that most people who find the concept of polyamory attractive feel this way because they relish the work involved? If so, I would have to disagree. My contention is that those who would be suited for and capable of sustaining multiple relationships would be (like yourself) highly unlikely candidates for writing to Dr. Lovemonkey.

You are absolutely right that Dr. Lovemonkey spoke off the top of his head. This is a "top of my head" column of general advice for a general readership. Those who seek, and are prepared to pursue, a more highly evolved plane have little need for Dr. Lovemonkey.

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