An age-old question

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 217-year-old single mother who has met a lot of really nice guys and had a pretty extensive record with relationships. The problem is that I can't really stick with anyone for very long because I really like wild and impromptu sex with a variety of men. Any time I do find a really nice guy, I can't resist the temptation to get involved with someone else. I don't really want to be 50 years old and all alone. Got any suggestions?

-- Impulsive Babe

Dear Impulsive Babe,
I'm assuming that the "217" is a typo as, if you were actually 217-years-old, I would a) expect you to have had a pretty extensive record, b) congratulate you on having the energy to be conducting such an active sex life, and c) want a photograph of you for the Dr. Lovemonkey archives. However, using my powers of deduction (and also noticing that you mention turning 50 some time in the future), I'm going to assume that you are either 21 or 27.

What you are talking about here isn't relationships but sexual exploits. Sounds to me like you're not really ready, nor are you interested in settling down to a meaningful relationship. I do hope that you are being careful (safe sex, etc.) for health's sake but I would be concerned about what kind of impact your sexual exploits are having on your child.

Taking a shot at a little two-bit analysis here, I also suspect that you may be dealing with some self esteem issues. If you really would like to settle down but are finding yourself compulsively drawn to this type of sexual adventurism, I suspect it's because you might subconsciously feel that you are not good enough to engage in a stable relationship with any of these nice guys you're meeting. If you are truly bothered by your impulsive sexual behavior, it would be a good idea to get some professional counseling. It is certain that, at this time, you're not prepared to get involved in a committed relationship.

You have to decide what's more important to you. If you decide that having a real relationship is something that you desire, you have some work to do. If a wild and swinging sex life with multiple partners is more important, you seem to know what to do. You can't really have both.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've got a lot of friends who frequently try to fix me up with guys. While I'm not opposed to this method of dating, I've found that about 50 percent of the time, the guys I get fixed up with are kind of boring. Generally they're nice guys but I know pretty quickly that nothing much is going to be happening between me and this guy.

Here's the problem: how do you let them know that this is not working out without appearing to be cold and/or a real jerk? This has cropped up frequently and I always feel like I've been a little cold when I leave them after a boring evening.

-- Bored to Tears

Dear Bored to Tears,
My sense from reading your letter is that you're a pretty thoughtful and sensitive person and that you've not been a jerk when dispatching prospective suitors after a single date. As long as you've been courteous and kind, everything is okay. You should remember that if a date is not really working out, the other party probably senses it as well and may be just as concerned as you are about how to end things in a decent and friendly way.

I hope that you are giving some feedback to your friends who are fixing you up. Fifty percent for fix-up dates is probably not a bad average, but if you'd like to improve the score, you might want to get back to the friends who fixed you up on a particularly inappropriate date and tell them (and you can do this without dissing the date) why this particular guy and you did not match up so well. Maybe they'll be more discerning in finding someone who matches up better with you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
If I go to see the new John Travolta movie, Battlefield Earth, will I end up becoming a Scientologist? A friend of mine told me that the movie is based on a book by the founder of Scientology and that he suspects there'll be a whole lot of propaganda in it. I don't think that I'm a big enough dupe that a movie could change my life, although I must admit I did get into the torn T-shirt look after Flashdance.

-- E.N.

Dear E.N.,
Your friend is right about the fact that the book that the film Battlefield Earth is based on was written by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology. And, yes, John Travolta (and Tom Cruise, Isaac Hayes and a number of other Hollywood luminaries) are involved in Scientology. But I seriously doubt that the film will have a life-altering effect on you. I suspect that Battlefield Earth will inspire about as many converts to Scientology as The Ten Commandments inspired conversions to Judaism. That is because Battlefield Earth is about as foolish and ridiculous film as the aforementioned Biblical epic from the '50s.

This is not to say that the new Travolta vehicle is not a powerful movie. According to Roger Ebert, the film is "like taking a long bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad -- it's unpleasant in a hostile way." Dr. Lovemonkey says, go see it for the yuks and fear not subtle brainwashing effects.

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