It's his move?

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been dating someone for a short time (a month and a half), but we have both made it clear that we are really into each other. I know for sure that I am beginning to get emotionally attached to this guy. He is finishing his studies at one of the local universities in June, and finishing up an internship as well. I am planning on staying in the Boston area until I finish my own studies, probably in about two years. He would like to stay and work at the organization where he is interning in a full-time position, but he has not found out whether he will get a job with them, and won't find out until June. He has not applied for other jobs in the area, and has told me that he will be leaving in June to find a job closer to friends and family if he does not get the job he's applied for at his current organization.

When he first mentioned this at the very beginning of our relationship, I made note of it, but I brushed it off when he made it sound like he would get the job and stay in the area. Then he brought it up again a few days ago, but this time he sounded pessimistic about his chances and depressed about leaving. This change in his attitude has gotten me worried. I am trying to be optimistic, and tell myself that he could end up staying in the area, but it is just not working. I am really upset by the possibility of his leaving, and I feel really stupid, because I don't think I should not feel attached to someone I have known for a short time.

I have had painful experiences with this in the past, and this situation doesn't seem to feel any better. I would like to share my feelings with him, but we do not have any kind of acknowledged responsibility to each other, and my revealing emotional attachment in a verbal way would probably cause him to run away screaming. Anyway, I guess my question is, should I cut the relationship off now before I become more attached to him, or should I just try to live day by day, and make my decision when he knows where he will be after June?

-- Unlucky in Love

Dear Unlucky in Love,
Yes, it is possible that revealing your feelings for your new boyfriend will cause him to run away screaming. On the other hand, you indicate that he seems to be depressed about leaving. At this point, he has to make a decision about continuing to pursue his relationship with you or returning to be closer to friends and family. Yes, he may choose friends and family at this stage of your relationship. That does not mean that you can't stay in contact via e-mail, telephone, etc.

I would suggest that you tell him how you feel. Then he will know how much the relationship means to you. He may still decide to move, but if he also cares about nurturing the relationship, he will at least think about staying in contact, maybe visiting when possible and, perhaps when the time is right, return to concentrate on the relationship. If you and he both believe that this can work, he'll start formulating a plan. He may surprise you and decide that your relationship is too important to leave right now.

If he decides to move closer to home, it means that he's not ready at the moment for a full-bore relationship. That doesn't mean that you can't work things out in the future. Separation is painful, but if he is truly interested, he'll figure it out.

Needless to say, if he runs away screaming, he wasn't the guy for you in the first place. Intimate relationships usually move at different paces for the two people involved, especially in the beginning. Since you presume that you are more committed than he is at this time, you are the one who will have to assess the depth of your feelings and whether it's worth your while to have patience and stick with it from long distance, if need be. But you should tell him how you feel.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Here's my story. My boyfriend and I were going together for a couple of years. We had some rough times, said a lot of hurtful things to each other and broke up a few months ago. I have not been doing too well since then and I recently got back in touch with him. We decided to meet for coffee and, well, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed. We have done this twice now.

The problem is that, after he broke up with me, he started seeing someone else. He's still going out with her, but he tells me how much he cares about me and what a mistake it was for us to break up. I'm feeling pretty uneasy about this whole thing, but I really care about him. What should I do?

-- Confused in Warwick

Dear Confused in Warwick,
My suspicion is that he's confused as well. Tell him to break it off with the other woman. He should have done this before getting involved with you again, but some guys are notoriously slow in growing backbones. If you really think that you can work it out, he has to stop seeing his current girlfriend immediately. If he won't break up or drags his feet, forget about it and move on. If he's convinced that it was a big mistake to break up, he will agree to break it off with her and start working on his relationship with you. If he shows any hesitation, he's a spineless wimp.

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