Plugged in

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

---

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I think I'm being played for a fool. A few weeks ago, I called my girlfriend and a man answered the phone. He handed the phone to my girlfriend, and she told me that he was the cable repair guy. Then, a few days after that, I called up and heard a man's voice in the background, and she said it was an electrician. What gives? Although I've kept my mouth shut about this, I'm really not believing these explanations. What should I do about this?

-- Losing Trust

Dear Losing Trust,
Whether these men at your girlfriend's house were actually repair people or not, it's obvious that she's in constant need of servicing. Your choice is to either get another girlfriend or start attending classes at New England Technical School, so you can become an expert in all manners of servicing.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
There's this guy that I'd really like to go out with, but he already has a girlfriend. I don't think it's a very serious relationship -- it has only been going on for a few months. How can I get rid of the girlfriend?

-- Hot to Trot

Dear Hot to Trot,
Busting up other people's relationships is, of course, an art. It will be a challenge to your creativity and resourcefulness to come up with a solution to your problem without appearing to be an opportunistic home-wrecker (which I'm sure you're not, because such selfish and thoughtless harpies would never think to write to Dr. Lovemonkey).

Skills in undercover detective work come in quite handy in this situation. Almost all people have stylistic differences. One person likes Joni Mitchell, while the other is enamored of Nine Inch Nails. Your challenge is to find out what these differences are. Then, exploit them to the hilt by badmouthing the extremely poor taste of the woman who's standing in your way.

If she's a sucker for Julia Roberts movies and he's an aficionado of action/adventure films, show up at his house wearing battle fatigues (easily purchased and an Army-Navy store) and start raving about how Arnold Schwarzenegger is a misunderstood genius and Julia Roberts is a wimp. Mention that those breasts of hers, which play such a prominent part in her current starring role in that Erin Brock-o-what'shername movie, that are obviously the result of one of those push-up Wonder bras. Let it slip that you are currently taking martial arts lessons.

If she likes camping, boating and fishing, and he's more of a couch potato, show up at his house with a giant bag of chips and salsa and a TV Guide, so you can find all the times Sally Jesse, Montel and Jerry are being aired in your viewing area.

Of course, you could also just forget about it for a while and pursue other activities and relationships, but you just don't sound like that sort of person.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been reading your column on the Internet for months now and I just want to say that it's really excellent. I wonder if you're making a lot of money from it. If not, you should be. Also, I noticed that you live in Providence, Rhode Island. I've been watching the television show Providence on a regular basis. I know that they don't shoot the entire series there, but I understand that a lot of the locations are actually in Providence. It looks like a really romantic place.

I've been thinking about coming to visit Providence during the summer. Please tell me what you can about the city, so I can fully realize the "Providence experience."

-- A.H.

Dear A.H.,
Sad to say, Dr. Lovemonkey is not making money hand over fist from his fabulous column. He is, however, able to supplement his meager income by making house calls in which he repairs various household appliances (see letter from "Losing trust").

Lovely as the NBC night-time soap opera Providence is, just watching the show is only a tiny part of the entire "Providence experience." To really get into that, I encourage you to visit here on your vacation. Let me suggest a few true Providence moments that will probably not crop up in the TV series.

First, head for City Hall, which is in the middle of downtown. Hang around during the day and watch the FBI haul cabinets and reams of documents out of the building as they pursue the investigation of municipal "business as usual."

When night falls, you can amble on over to our city's premier nightclub, Lupo's Heartbreak Hotel, just a few blocks away. To truly participate in the traditional Luponian experience, it behooves you to imbibe heavily and then blow lunch in one of the bathrooms (or, if you're particularly bold, right there on the sidewalk out front) as many city residents have done before you.

Next, it's a short walk to Saki's Pizza, where you can get into a fistfight without much effort. Among the more charming features of downtown Providence are the many narrow alleyways, perfectly designed for urinating al fresco. If you haven't yet been arrested, you can register in one of the many downtown hotels that are within easy crawling distance.

As you can see, this doesn't come up too often on the TV show. But that's because those characters are fictional and represent virtually no one we know.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archives

---