A heavy burden

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a really great guy for about two months now. We met soon after I had a baby from a relationship that was long since over when I gave birth. He moved in soon after we met. The problem is that my boyfriend doesn't really contribute anything to the household. I pay the rent, the bills, buy the food, etc., and, although he works part-time he doesn't help any, money-wise.

Actually, I'm not as upset about this as my friends are who tell me he's a freeloader. But, he's very kind and thoughtful in many other ways. We really have a great sex life and relationship except for this one area. Am I wrong to let things go on like this?

-- Carrying the Load

Dear Carrying the Load,
You are indeed, carrying the load and "the load" is your boyfriend. I also suspect that it is not just you who is carrying the load but the tax-paying public as well. I am assuming that you are on some sort of government program at the moment to aid you in raising your child. Therefore, you are both being irresponsible.

Your friends are right, your boyfriend is a freeloader. To Dr. Lovemonkey, it is outrageous that this guy would move in with you and not help pay for household expenses. His alleged thoughtfulness and kindness seem to be a thin veneer of charm. Real thoughtfulness would entail taking on some responsibility and he is taking on none. You should immediately bring up the question of finances and, if he is unwilling to pay for living expenses, ask him to leave. You're already responsible for one child. Covering for an adult who is behaving like a child is a bad situation indeed. He should pay or get him out of the house.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm engaged to be married in a few months and my husband-to-be has requested that I compile a list of all of the men that I have slept with in my life. I have not asked him to do the same because I think that it's a stupid idea. Am I right in assuming that this is a stupid idea?

-- A.H.

Dear A.H.,
Yes, you are right that this is a stupid idea, possibly gleaned from Barry Levinson's film Diner, a fine movie but, nonetheless a movie and therefore not something that one should base one's life on. Just think about it for a minute. For what possible reason could your intended want you to compile a list of your past relationships? Future emotional blackmail is the only reason Dr. Lovemonkey can think of and that is not a very good reason nor is it one that seems in the spirit of a good and healthy marriage.

The past is the past. Everyone has one and while it is of value in the sense that both of you have hopefully learned from your pasts, it is of no value to dredge up whatever sexual experiences you both carry with you. You don't need to go there and he doesn't need to go there as it only brings trouble and the excuse to argue about something that is of no value to your marriage. Both you and your husband-to-be should be concentrating on the future and not trying to uncover baggage from the past.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend seems to have an unusual interest in Van Morrison. She collects all his albums and I sometimes think that she has a unhealthy fixation on him. Am I wrong to be concerned?

-- A Sting Fan

Dear A Sting Fan,
Yes, you are totally wrong to be concerned. Your girlfriend is showing much better taste than you are at the moment. Van Morrison is really great and Sting, post-Police, is a big pile of sappy pseudo-jazz. Yes, the Doctor admires Sting's concern for the Rainforest but I would be much more concerned if the shoe was on the other foot and she were the Sting fan and you were the Van Morrison aficionado.

Sting is far too reminiscent of topsider wearing, Izod-clad Yuppies hustling around the docks of Newport in the summertime. Also, he is cute in the eyes of many former prom queens (both male and female) and therefore far more threatening than the swarthy, yet far more soulful, Van. You should be encouraging your girlfriend's embrace of Van Morrison as he is not a threat to your precarious manhood. Also encourage her to embrace other grizzled rock icons such as Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, Tom Waits and any of the great veteran blues men and women still active.

Although he is also a non-sex symbol, I would not go so far to encourage her to take an active interest in Meat Loaf, unless of course it is the food which would be a mainstream American staple. The operatic pastiche style of the singer Meat Loaf is not to Dr. Lovemonkey's liking, although, as a personality, the Doctor finds him most amiable. For further discussions on the various musical tastes of Dr. Lovemonkey, keep reading this column as these questions of style come up with some regularity and I am only too happy to blather on about what I find acceptable and unacceptable. Some may find it shocking that the Doctor finds Glen Campbell to be acceptable, especially as he has aged into non-threatening status, sex symbol-wise. Elvis, on the other hand, can be problematic. Kiss your girlfriend for me and put on that Irish Heartbeat CD that Van made a few years back with the wonderfully aging and non-threatening Chieftains. You've got a great girlfriend there.

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