Off the deep end

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am very much in love with this guy who I have been with for the past six years. The problem is he knocked up this girl half his age and is now married to her. They have been married now for two-and-a-half years. I still talk to him, and we are together every once and a while. He started cheating on her with me in their third month of marriage. There is so much chemistry between us that I can't let go. I know I have to, but I can't. I had my tubes tied for him (so I thought), because he said he didn't want any more kids, and I had them reversed 18 months ago so that I could have another baby; so far, it has not worked. I am so alone and don't know what to do. I want to hang on to him because I know he is truly or deeply in love with me -- otherwise why would he still see me? I also know that I do need to let go of him, but my heart won't let go. I do see another guy (but they're all after one thing) and it is nice, but I don't love him and probably never will. Please help me thank you.

-- Hopelessly In Love

Dear Hopelessly In Love,
Do not mistake your feelings for "love." Love is a two-way dynamic, and obviously the guy you have been involved with for the past six years does not share the same feelings for you. As for him cheating on his wife with you (or anyone else, for that matter -- and I wouldn't discount that possibility), this is a huge red flag for the guy's dependability and character. If you were a store owner and someone you knew stole from another store, but not yours, would you think that this was okay?

You need to sever your relationship with this guy and get yourself together. That may mean not delving into any more intimate relationships for a while, but if you desire a good and trusting relationship with someone, you have to get some distance from this ongoing unhealthy situation. Any man who would encourage his mistress to have her tubes tied, so he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of an inconvenient pregnancy, is a thoughtless cad. Nothing but continued heartache will come of this for you, and even worse for him and the family he demeans with his behavior. If you continue to find it too difficult to leave him on your own, I would encourage counseling.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 29-year-old white female who moved to Rhode Island last year. Previously, I lived in Florida for five years. I am writing to you because, when I lived in Florida, we always conducted "male contests" or male beauty pageants. Good-looking men would parade around with Speedo bathing suits or, even better, sexy thong bathing suits! In Florida, they were a big hit. The women loved the contests.

I am curious to know if Rhode Island has these type of contests and, if so, where they advertise Last summer, my friend and I went to the beach several times and checked out many hunks in their Speedos, so I know many guys would be willing to participate. Please give me some information, if possible.

-- Speedo Lover Krissy

Dear Speedo Lover Krissy,
I don't know that your Caucasian heritage has anything to do with this massive lapse in taste. I also don't know if Rhode Island has any male Speedo contests, but judging from the range of wet T-shirt contests and topless bars in the Biggest Little, there is probably some place that's sponsoring such a competition.

By the way, I agree with you -- the aesthetic sensibility that would lead some to wear a Speedo bathing suit in public would also indicate a willingness to engage in the type of exhibition you suggest. If you do find out where one of these events is taking place, please let Dr. Lovemonkey know, so that he may avoid them in the same way he avoids other body parts events.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been with my girlfriend for one and a half years. We've lived together for eight months. I love her like crazy and she loves me like crazy. She tells me so, all the time. Our problem is lack of sex. It was great and frequent for a year, but slowed down to once a week. That was all right. She seemed to love sex, mostly on the weekends. Then we went a period of three weeks with none because she was sick and I hurt my back. Now it seems very hard to get back "in the groove." The more I discuss it, the more depressed and upset she gets which, of course, makes it harder to have sex. It's like a Catch-22. The few times we have had sex in the last month, it has been sub-standard. We want to remain together, but I don't like the idea of no more sex at age 30. Help!

-- Eager to Solve This Problem

Dear Eager to Solve This Problem,
I suspect that there is something here other than a hangover from illness and a bad back. Your girlfriend is, for some reason, pulling away, and you have to talk about it to get to the root of her depressed feelings and waning interest. While this may mean continued "sub-standard sex" for a while, the only way to get back on track is to find out what it is that is truly bothering her.

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