Bad trip

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A few weeks ago I went on vacation to a big European city. Through a kooky set of circumstances, a very old friend of mine (of the opposite sex) was there at the same time. This was someone who I've known for about 10 years but have rarely ever lived with in the same state, and who I've always had a thing for. Our trips wound up intersecting for about 24 hours, and it was agreed that we would share a hotel room in the aforementioned fabulous European city to cut costs (his suggestion). Now this situation certainly got me thinking "hmmmm!" but after the hormone-induced haze waned, I figured that even if nothing happened, we'd surely still have a lot of fun together. So I reckoned I'd just go along and see what happened.

What wound up happening, however, was totally unexpected. Within a relatively short period of time his presence started to irritate me for a couple of reasons, particularly his interest in telling me about beautiful (unfortunately, married) women he'd met recently and how he really needed to start dating some younger women -- hopefully some hot 18 year olds (he's 34; I'm 32). For the record, although I adore him, this guy is no looker -- balding, and mostly poor (a grad student), so I'm not sure how he'd attract these 18 year olds.

Although I found his comments generally objectionable, the thing that really affected me was how they made me think less of him. Instead of seeing him as sort of sweet, intellectual, and clever, I now perceived him as sort of childish, pathetic, immature, and, worse; that he saw women as numbers to be acquired, rather than people to relate with. This behavior wasn't previously visible in our quarterly phone calls, but it did help me better understand why he's dumped all the time.

At any rate, now we are back and I can admit that he was a bit panicked by the sleeping arrangements. (There was lengthy nervous chatter from him before bed, but after hearing about all those "beautiful women," I didn't feel like going out on a limb.) Maybe this led to his bizarre behavior. He's now sending me chipper e-notes -- "how was the rest of your trip?" and, honestly, I don't know how to respond. Maybe I'm just torn between who I thought he was and who he really is. I really used to care about him, but I feel odd confronting him with, "the things you said made me think you're really pathetic and we can't be friends any more." And I'm not sure what kind of response he could give that would satisfy me anyway. I wish I could salvage the friendship, but I'm not sure how I could, and I'm not sure who I'd be doing it with. Help!

-- Spellbound

Dear Spellbound,
It isn't necessary to confront this guy about the immature and sexist patter he revealed on your European holiday. If you would still like to remain friends, you can continue to correspond with him. Obviously, since you see him in a different light now, it would be a mistake to encourage any sort of intimacy. You will find many people in your life that, although there are many things you might like about them, there are certain boundaries that will exist. In this case, someone you once admired greatly has shown himself to be not so admirable. As long as there are other things you like about him, you can keep the relationship within that, more limited, context.

Of course, if he starts spouting off again about his lust for 18-year-old flesh, you might want to mention that you find his attitude immature and disappointing. There are subtle ways to let him know you're not interested in pursuing a romantic course without getting into a big blowup.

More thoughts for "Clueless Foreigner" from another one of our readers:

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
One additional thought for the "Clueless Foreigner," this one on the commitment factor of dating and relationships. He should ask himself if he knows what he's looking for. Is he looking to get laid? Laid and befriended, or laid, befriended and then hitched?

Usually a woman will decide "this isn't going anywhere" after a month to three months and start to give mixed signals or just end things. She decides this on her own; it rarely matters what the guy has to say about his own worth or commitment feasibility. All my woman friends agree on this. We love dating, but not when it becomes wasted time. And, we either date to get married or we date to learn about ourselves while having fun -- no more, no less. If CF isn't overtly showing that he's looking for a committed, monogamous relationship, then he's not going to get more than bliss for a few dates, followed by confusion. Also, he's a foreigner, which means he'll eventually leave. That doesn't help. Any woman who dates him will either be telling herself, "he'll leave, so this is just for fun," or "if we get married, I get to live in . . . Europe," or wherever, most likely the former. I think he should stop trying to read signs and hidden languages and just say what's on his mind about what he wants. If his date or girlfriend can't do the same, then it's her loss. The problem, though, is his. It's gender-related, not cultural.

-- Amy E.

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