Foreign affairs

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Last week, we heard from "Clueless Foreigner," who found American women puzzling and unreceptive to his romantic advances. One of our readers responds to his dilemma:

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I found Clueless Foreigner's letter interesting and maybe my own experience with European men can help him. Perhaps he should realize that Europeans in general refer to Americans as rude people. Therefore, there is a social barrier, whereas I know a lot of individuals who refer to Europeans as Euro-trash. The Europeans I know talk about how great their home country is and how miserable they are here, due to the fact that Americans are social bottom feeders. This is rather insulting and hurtful, as I consider my country very close to my heart. I am not proud of everything our government does, but I do love the principles it was founded on.

When I meet European men who take the tone of the above-mentioned statements, I ask them, "If it's so great there, why are you living here?" They usually tell me it's a financial decision. This is where I believe the term "Euro-trash" gets applied to these poor homesick boys -- it's kind of like they're here as squatters in the land of opportunity, but aren't happy with their opportunities. So when this European dude starts to sell this homesick package, I, as an American woman, feel disrespected, culturally inept, not sophisticated and elegant in this suitor's eyes, and worst of all, a second choice. All women need to feel that they rank first and are very special. I do not think this is very different in other countries. I could be wrong as I have traveled internationally, but not for an extended period of time.

My advise is for Clueless to look very closely at the way he is communicating. Perhaps he needs to simply wait. His soulmate may be around the corner with stars in her eyes. By the way, Dr. Lovemonkey's hygiene remarks are not totally unfounded, and Americans are intensely clean people. I do not like overly perfumed men with a dense smell of body odor just beneath the surface. I tend to take that as a sign that someone hasn't taken a shower in a day or so. I also know I don't want such a person to take his clothes off since he will probably be even stinkier. Sex is nicer when both people have made an effort to please the other by being clean and smelling nice.

I apologize if this hurts anyone's feelings, but I thought my own experience with European men could help Clueless.

-- Faery Girl

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a few years out of college and moved back home recently. My plan is to save money so I can buy my own place next summer. The problem is my dating life has come to a near-halt since my move. I try to avoid the "living at home" stigma if it comes up in conversation, and it's nearly impossible to invite company over when I do meet someone. Any suggestions?

-- Home Alonely

Dear Home Alonely,
Since more and more young people are doing it, living at home after college to save money would not seem like such a stigma. Sharing the information with prospective dates that you're planning to purchase a home of your own may actually enhance your appeal. It should be apparent to potential partners that you are intelligent, thrifty and inclined to plan for the future. These are certainly attractive features in a prospective partner.

Obviously, since you have decided to go the delayed gratification route in attempting to save enough money to buy, rather than rent, part of the delayed gratification may also mean not having as rich and varied a dating life as you might desire at this moment.

On the other hand, if Dr. Lovemonkey may be permitted to read between the lines, it seems that your real complaint is that you currently don't have a suitable place to get laid. Careful budgeting of your entertainment allowance might leave you enough cash to occasionally rent a cheap motel room for your assignations. In many ways this could be preferable to having your own apartment, as most recent college graduates can not afford satellite porno movies and vibrating beds in their ramshackle rented digs. You can frequently find such accouterments at (I cannot in good conscience use the adjective "finer") low-budget motels on the outskirts of town.

Dr. Lovemonkey has also found that friends in your hormone-raging age group are frequently willing to slip you an extra key and vacate the premises for good portion of the evening. The Doctor himself once accommodated a friend in such a way, but could not refrain from plastering Playboy centerfolds on the wall, surrounding the bed with kitchen chairs with pencils and "rating pads," and a handy roll of toilet tissue at the pillow of the bed. While you might want to avoid asking prankster friends for such a favor, this borrowed apartment tactic can sometimes work in a pinch.

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