The language of love

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Here is my secret sorrow. In the far-away country that I left long ago as an International Exchange Scholar, I always knew when my date, finally, wished to be real close to me. The eyes, the touch, the smile, and many other signs created the feeling of warmth between me and the girl, boosted my confidence, and welcomed me to go ahead. If any tension appeared, I just slowed down or stopped. I fancied myself a sensitive-type, perceiving the slightest changes in the girl's mood. I considered pleasing her as my delightful duty. I was a happy man back then.

Now I live in US, for many years already. No matter how many times I tried to date American girls, I failed shamefully. I date only the girls I really like. Finding a girl and beginning to date her are never a problem. Most candidates are filtered out at the first stage when they hear me talking about culture and politics, talking about things they never find in newspapers. Those who do not dislike my frankness, start to show a very personal interest in me.

However, when it comes to crossing the thin line between friendship and more than that, it's always a pure disaster. As if I'm again a brat of 18, I never can guess whether and when she wants the first kiss, the first touch. In some cases I manage to pass the initial barrier. Still, she is abrupt and tense, as if she obeys some internal program, as if I am not there.

Sometimes a girl moves too fast for me, so I feel like an inadequate child. Sometimes the same girl stops so suddenly that it makes me feel, after a very mutual joyful start, like a ravisher! I cannot guess if she actually means she likes me, or just pretends for reasons unknown. These sudden switches between frost and wantonness I have never encountered in the girls from Europe. It scares me and I lose it completely very fast. None of the girls act natural and relaxed, although I never press for anything.

There are completely ridiculous, puzzling occurrences. Two cases were very similar. In each case, I was emphatically invited by a girl to sleep overnight on the living room couch, although she knew that I lived nearby. Then she speedily retired to her room without a sign of interest in further activities. OK. But why insist that I sleep in her apartment? Was I expected to knock at her door? Or follow her to her room at my own risk? Or to the bathroom? (In my native country, it would be extremely rude to do any of these things.) Attempts to find out by verbal communication (the last resort) what on Earth a girl expected from me are never answered, of course. Sometimes I get, "I make her feel insecure."

Frankly, I am quite terrified of these experiences, and lost all my confidence. I am often attracted to an American girl, but am afraid even to start anything. One thought of it makes me sweat. (I had quite positive experiences with Europeans in US, but unattached attractive Europeans are scarce.) I heard that this behavior of American girls has to do with the Victorian period in the past, Puritanism and feminism.

I sympathize with all this, but it does not really help. In Victorian times, they used fans for communication. Is there any practical way to learn the Silent Language of Love in the US? Maybe, all the girls follow closely some well-known (to them) manuals. Could I read these to know what they expect from a man? Also, is there any book on comparative psychology of women in the US vs. those in other countries? What is that's different between the upbringing of women in America and elsewhere?

-- Clueless Foreigner

Dear Clueless Foreigner,
At the risk of sounding like the Ugly American, could traditional European notions about bathing have something to do with the situation here? Okay, that was a low blow, playing into the American stereotype of the cigarette smoking, armpit hair-loving, twice-a-week bathing perception that many gringos have of certain European cultures, but I thought I'd just throw that out to show what an insensitive cad I can be.

Dr. Lovemonkey does not recognize this "from frost to wantonness" tradition among most American women. It seems that you have been barking up some wrong trees. One thing that jumped out at me was your sense that verbal communication was a "last resort." Maybe it should be a first resort.

Certainly, the changes in courting that have occurred since the advent of modern day feminism have made many people, both men and women, somewhat unsure of how the game is played. Things may be more straightforward in your native land, but that doesn't mean that the world of romance is so hopelessly confusing here in the US.

The "sleeping on the couch" scenarios that you described are not necessarily the norm. Dr. Lovemonkey recalls sleeping on a couch at a desirable woman's crib back in 1973, but the issue there turned out to be that she was just coming out and embracing her identity as a lesbian, so it was perfectly understandable. Could it be that you have been pursuing lesbians?

I wish I could unlock the key to "how to make it with the American woman" for you, but perhaps American men are more hardwired to the reality of how to negotiate romance. Beyond that, though, there is plentiful anecdotal evidence (without dredging up ancient glory day tales of the conquests of Porfirio Rubirosa) to suggest that European men have frequently done quite well with American women. I would suggest that this is a personality thing rather than a cultural thing. Keep looking for a better match.

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