How to say 'no'

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm very close to my sister and drop by her place at least a couple of times a week just to sit around and gab. The problem is her next-door neighbor. He is interested in me, but I'm not interested in him at all. He hangs around my sister's place a lot and they are pretty friendly.

The last time I was over there, he asked me out (not in front of her). I told him I was busy that night, but I just know he's going to ask me out again. I told my sister about this and she takes a pretty hands-off attitude. She's not encouraging this, but at the same time (because they are good pals), she is not openly discouraging it either. I think she's probably doing the right thing, and I don't want to get her involved in this or harm her friendship, but what do I do? How can I let this guy know that I'm just not interested without causing a big scene?

-- Not Interested

Dear Not Interested,
You're very thoughtful to not involve your sister in all of this. My suggestion is to make up excuses for not going out with him -- the more contrived, the better. For instance, tell the guy you can't go out with him because you've got this big crush on one of the Backstreet Boys with whom you've been communicating through the mail. Even though you know you don't have a very good shot with him -- you only get form letters back -- the entire focus of your erotic life is on Larry the Backstreet Boy. I don't think there is a Backstreet Boy named Larry, but you'll seem even crazier if you're willing to make up such things.

Or tell the suitor that you don't have any time to go out because you have 18 cats and they take up all your energy. Keep making bogus excuses, and after a while, the guy will stop asking.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
One of my best buddies is getting married in about a month and, as the best man, I have been asked to make a few remarks for the toast at the reception. I'm not too good at public speaking and I'm pretty nervous about this whole thing. Any advice on what to do?

-- B.C.

Dear B.C.,
It would really be a great idea to come up with some long and rambling anecdotes about your buddy's past conquests and relationships that went south. If they involved alcohol or a brief stay in the county jail, all the better. Embarrassment and humiliation are a must at weddings, and you'll get boffo laughs if you can recall a few good reasons why your friend is making a giant mistake by getting married. Remember that this entire wedding hinges on your ability to be really, really funny at this key moment in the celebration.

And it's always good if you appear to be already soused at the time of the toast. If you can't actually bring yourself to hide a flask in your tuxedo (gin is especially good when looking to put yourself in a rapid-fire drunken state), just pour a little alcohol on your collar, rub some on your face and slur your speech a little. No one will know the difference.

Of course, Dr. Lovemonkey offers these tips in jest. Like all performances, it's best to keep your remarks brief and on point. Note what a wonderful friend your buddy is and how you are so pleased that he has found a partner to share his life with. It's not necessary to relate any stories about your friend. Just make a short statement about how happy everyone is on the wonderful day.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My husband and I lived together for three years before we got married and we always had a very satisfying sexual relationship. Since we married just a few months ago, our sex life has become somewhat humdrum and boring. Looking at this from every angle, I can only think that it's because we actually got married. What can we do about this?

-- Ms. Tedium

Dear Ms. Tedium,
If you're convinced that all this is a result of actually being properly married, I would suggest you get yourselves improperly married. Search out one of those Elvis impersonators who have dubious credentials from some phony divinity school and pay twenty bucks to have him perform the ceremony. Get witnesses off the street and dress up a couple of small poodles in evening clothes to be the best man and maid of honor. Make it as phony and demeaning as possible to the true spirit of marriage.

Make sure to invite all of the funnest people you know to the reception. Get yourself some bad food and a really lame GB (General Business) band to perform, and demand they do all the tunes that make them question why they're playing in a band at all ("Feelings," "the Macarena," "We've Only Just Begun," "Knock Three Times," "Achy Breaky Heart," etc.). Ask the guests to bring only fruitcakes as gifts.

This should remind you that although you've embarked on a life-long journey that requires attention and effort, fun must still be an essential part of your relationship.

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