The art of flirting

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Recently I read in USA Today (the nation's newspaper, don'tcha know) that flirting is healthy and even good for you. While I usually do my best to follow any and all personal advice that the venerable Arlington, Virginia-based newspaper gives me, I'm having trouble with this one. I've tried, and most people just aren't clued in to the subtleties of my flirtation techniques.

How does a gal flirt successfully? How do you convey a mysterious sensual aura instead of conveying that you're a great big slut? How, for God's sake, do you stroke the ineffable electricity between yourself and another without seeming to offer a backseat blow job behind the nearest convenience store? Sheesh.

-- Bettie Bookish

Dear Bettie Bookish,
Flirtation is, of course, all about subtlety. On the other hand, USA Today, is not. It's more like an adult version of the old My Weekly Reader, an old grammar tome in use when Dr. Lovemonkey was a lad, to get the youth into the newspaper reading habit. Hence, Dr. Lovemonkey finds it rather incongruous that USA Today would be offering articles on flirtation. This reminds me that I recently saw an article about the positive attributes of jealousy. I'm still mulling that one over, but it's clear to me that, done correctly, flirting is an art form of sorts.

Being an art form, flirting has a great deal to do with personal style, so whatever techniques you use, they should be an extension of your personality. If you are feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious about your flirting, you're not doing it right.

However, it seems that what you're implying is that many of those who you've chosen to flirt with seem to not be picking up on your hints. Are you a bit too nuanced for your own good, or are these folks just too dull and self-involved to notice?

Be as brazen as you can comfortably be and try to read your subjects more closely. Flirtation also has a lot to do with humor. Those with a well-developed sense of playfulness should be able to read your flirting for what it is and be able to play along. My guess is that you've been barking up some wrong trees here. Successful flirting technique should never be mistaken for sluttish behavior. Innocuous flirting is quite similar to the famous quote from Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart about pornography, "I know it when I see it."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
This may seem like a really weird question, but I've been out with guys who have been circumcised and uncircumcised. I am wondering if there is any difference in their behavior based on this fact. Are the uncircumcised guys more likely to be players? The fact is that this has been my personal experience, but I'm wondering if this is just my imagination.

-- Curious

Dear Curious,
Dr. Lovemonkey is unfamiliar with any studies regarding sexual behavioral characteristics of uncut vs. cut men. Perhaps there is some treasure trove of empirical data somewhere that addresses this, but I'm unaware of it. I would be hard-pressed to come up with a reason why unfaithfulness would be greater in uncircumcised males. I can't think of a good reason why that would be the case.

Continue with your research. I urge anyone else out there who has had broad experience in this area to contact Dr. Lovemonkey and let us know if there is anything to Curious's experiences.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with my girlfriend now for about six months. Recently, I had to leave town for about a week and, when I came back, I heard through the grapevine that she had slept with her ex-boyfriend. When I confronted her with this, she swore that it wasn't true. While I really want to believe her, I just don't. What should I do?

-- Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,
I would suggest that you split up for a while but continue to talk to each other on a more platonic basis. Obviously, you are not trusting in her, and if there isn't the trust, the relationship is in jeopardy. By cooling things for a while, you will hopefully be able to ascertain what is going on here. If she is wanting to still have sex with others, it will most likely resurface again quickly. If she's really interested in having an intimate and monogamous relationship with you, she'll work to repair the damage.

I don't know any surefire way of telling whether she has been truthful with you or not. Explain to her that you don't want to have a relationship that is controlling or tainted by jealous feelings on your part, and right now, because you're not feeling very trusting, you think that it's best to slow down for a while. One way or another, things should be clearer after a few months.

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