Alone again

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I was with my ex-boyfriend for a year, and then I found out that he cheated on me. So when I lost all my electricity to him, I started dating someone else. What made me decide to do that is, that when I found out that my ex was cheating, he was really nice for two days and then went back to his old mean self. So one night I went out with my friends and met this guy who was a friend of my friends. At first, things were great, but then he went back to his ex-girlfriend. One week later, he left her. I really liked him. But he just acts like someone other then the guy I met. Right now, and I know it is wrong, I am using my ex for attention. I still care for him, but I don't want to be with him. I am not even talking to the other guy, but I still like him. I even told my ex when I started dating the other guy. So I guess I just don't know what to do.

-- Daysha095

Dear Daysha,
There could be some criminal activity involved here (i.e. "I lost all my electricity to him"). I'm not exactly sure how one steals another person's electricity, but I suspect it has something to do with illegally rewiring meters. You should look into this.

Now to address the problem at hand. If your ex "went back to his mean old self," why were you going out with him in the first place? It is not written that everyone must have a romantic relationship at all times. It is okay (and sometimes quite healthy) to be alone for stretches of time, especially when the people you've been getting involved with are treating you poorly or acting thoughtlessly.

You say that your ex-boyfriend is usually mean to you. He also betrayed your trust by cheating on you. He does not sound like a good prospect for a healthy, happy relationship. The new guy you just met turns out to be someone who can't make up his mind about his last relationship. It seems that he latched on to you because he didn't have anything else happening, and, when his former girlfriend showed signs of interest, he went right back to her. This does not sound promising either.

Of course, you are right that it is wrong to be using your ex-boyfriend to garner attention. This is deceitful and implies that you are desperate to be involved with somebody . . . anybody. In general, nothing good comes out of desperation in these matters.

My advice is to forget about both the old and new boyfriends. They don't sound like they are ready to be involved with anyone else in a positive way. I would also suggest that you take your time and be more selective and careful in choosing who you might want to start an intimate relationship with. Now might be a good time to spend some time without a boyfriend and, instead, think about what you really want in a relationship. People are in the best position to start a good and healthy romance when they're happy and satisfied without being involved in a relationship.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have a friend at work who is constantly teasing me and just about everyone else. She sees this teasing as humorous, but I'm of the opinion that a lot of her comments are actually hurtful and touch on intimate details of peoples' lives that are private. When I don't laugh at her insensitive comments, she accuses me of not having a sense of humor. Is there anything you can do about someone like this?

-- Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,
Most people come across someone like this in their lives -- someone who, while not necessarily possessing a mean streak, is thoroughly insensitive to other people's feelings. This tendency is probably pretty well-established in this person and not likely to change.

I would suggest that you just tell her that you don't share her sense of humor. Don't try to laugh and smooth it over, because it will only encourage her to continue. Chances are that if you continue to greet her little jibes with a stone face, she will get bored and, maybe, leave you alone. I suspect that confronting her with the casual cruelty of her remarks will only backfire, and she will become even nastier in her comments.

She sounds like a thoughtless jerk who has no understanding or empathy for the feelings of others. This sort of derogatory humor is not humor at all, but springs from some deep-seated feelings of insecurity. You will want to remain upbeat if forced to be around her, and never engage in any type of badmouthing to play into her negative tendencies. Avoid her as best you can.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
On Valentine's Day, my live-in boyfriend bought me a mop and a new toaster oven. He's basically a good guy, but apparently has no sense of romance. Is there some way that I can instill in him a little bit of romance?

-- L.M.

Dear L.M.,
He got you a mop! If this was not a joke (and I fervently hope it was), this guy is completely out of touch with romance. Buy him a hammer and suggest that he use it on his own head to whack some sense into his skull. Maybe you should split up for a while, so that he can move into a cave or some other place where he would be more at home. As for the toaster oven, it's unnecessary. He's already toasted.

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