A virtual big deal

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a woman for a little more than a year now. I was of the opinion that things were going pretty good between us, but I have just discovered something that I find disturbing. She has been carrying on an Internet relationship with another guy for a couple of months now. This person lives in another part of the country, and I know that they haven't actually gotten together or seen each other in person, but I am bothered anyway, and here's why.

I felt that we pretty much shared everything, but she never told me about this guy, and when I found out by accidentally seeing her e-mail, she told me that it was "no big deal." However, they seem to have been talking about some rather intimate things and she acknowledges that they communicate almost every day.

Am I overreacting? I fear that this is more of a "big deal" than she is letting on. I've heard lots of stories about romances that begin over the Internet, and my fear is that this is what is going on here. Should I be concerned or should I write this off as "no big deal"?

-- Worried

Dear Worried,
You do have reason to be concerned. There are a number of red flags here. One is that she kept this correspondence hidden from you, despite your belief that you were sharing information on all your activities. The fact that they are communicating so frequently is another signal.

While people don't always act on these on-line relationships, this would not be occurring unless your girlfriend felt there was something missing in her relationship with you. When you are in a monogamous, intimate relationship that is going well, there shouldn't be the desire to start some intense correspondence with a person who has not been at least a long-time acquaintance or friend.

Despite her reluctance to address this ongoing on-line flirtation, you should push the issue a bit and tell her how uneasy you feel about it. Ask if she feels that there is something missing in your relationship. Despite the fact that she and her on-line friend have not actually met or shared "face time," there is a definite alienation of affections happening here, and that is always disconcerting. When a romantic and intimate relationship is functioning the way it should, there is no great inclination to seek intimacy with somebody new, even in the form of e-mail. And this is what she is doing that is disturbing -- seeking out solace and intimacy with another person.

Perhaps there is something that you are not providing for her, and so, you need to communicate more openly and passionately. Talk about this with her, and don't buy the "no big deal" explanation.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My boyfriend has suddenly taken to wearing a whole new style of clothing. Previously, Peter was a flannel shirt-and-jeans kind of casual guy. In recent months, he's been wearing a beret, tight leather pants and silk shirts. How long before he starts affecting a cape? Is he trying to tell me something? Do you think this radical change in styles is any indication of a new discontent with me? I pretty much go the T-shirt, jeans and flannel route myself.

-- J.H.

Dear J.H.,
With Halloween months away, we cannot write this off as a temporary aberration. Perhaps Peter has gotten into a new phase of life, where appearing in costume is a fun way of approaching the world. My advice is to go along with it and look into the possibility of wearing a different style of costume yourself.

Of course, you realize that all clothing is a form of costume. The flannel shirt-and-jeans look that you've been affecting signals a certain nuts-and-berry-gathering, venison-eating, scampering-around-on-all-fours imagery that is quite acceptable and attractive to those who would live in teepees and use wood-heating appliances. The new continental look of Peter (at this point, he should probably change that to "Pierre," "Pierrot," or "Pedro") would be nicely complimented if you start wearing severe spike heels, Capri pants and frilly blouses of lavender or loud pastel colors. A special hat of your own would be a nice addition. The straw mini-sombrero is a nice touch, or maybe, for a truly unique look, the old Jackie Kennedy pillbox would be the ticket.

This could work even with a limited budget, as many of the fashion choices now open to you can be picked up inexpensively at the Salvation Army or St. Vincent retail outlets. Here's one I haven't seen since those lighthearted days of the early '70s -- some toddler pants worn on the head like a hat. This is stunning, original, and I'll bet you'll be the talk of any social gathering that you and Pedro attend.

These sort of fashion statements cry out for the perfect accessories. Some years ago, I had a friend who went about carrying a bicycle seat underneath his arm everywhere he went. While this may not have any functional value, it sure is eye-catching. Unfortunately, the bike seat never caught on, but I think it's time to give that deeply personal look another try. How about wearing a ping pong paddle tethered to your neck with some rough twine? Pretty neat, huh. Also, tell your beau that white BVD briefs worn over the pants in a three-piece suit is bound to catch on. He can be on the cutting edge! Remember -- fashion is a wide open place.

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