Letting go

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
This guy and I were dating for about six months. It was the best relationship that either of us has ever had. We love each other. We broke up about a month ago, because he wants a wife and a kid and I can't give him that. In the month that we've been broken up, we still speak every day, we still go on "dates." He told me that he loves me and I don't doubt that. My question is, since he broke up with me because he wanted to have a wife and kid, should I still be doing this or should I just totally end it? Yay or nay?

-- Joey P.

Dear Joey P.,
I'm going to make the assumption that because a) your name is Joey and b) you've declared that you can't be a wife and have a child with this man, that you are male. Of course, you could be a female named Joey who is unable to conceive, but I'm going to go with the odds on this one.

It could be that the love of your life is bisexual, and it could also be that he is gay, but wants a wife and child so badly that he is willing to "go straight" in order to fulfill this desire. It could be that he'll regret his attempt to play hetero and revert to his true nature. This is not an unknown occurrence. Regardless of what he's trying to do, you've been relegated to the role of the lover on the side.

If he does hook up with a female, marries and starts a family, you will be pushed even farther into the background and will undoubtedly be part of a deception perpetrated on his new family. I doubt if you want to be in that position. I would suggest that you distance yourself from him. He seems to be unsure of who he is and what he really wants, and you are now caught in the middle. Possibly he will come around to the realization that you are the true love of his life. There are some places where stable gay couples can adopt and this might be an option. But, right now, your position -- being the other man -- is not a good or healthy one. You should exit from this situation, pronto.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a girl for three weeks now and I'm wondering how I can get some from her at the movies. I am 14 years old and this is the first girl I've ever gone out with.

-- Greg

Dear Greg,
It's not that Dr. Lovemonkey is unfamiliar with the coursing hormones of 14-year-old boys, but I'm not really big on advising young (or old) boys as to the best methods for copping a feel or grabbing the body parts of others. My advice is to take a cold shower now and then, and as your relationship with your girlfriend develops, have things develop naturally. If you desire intimacy and wish to have a real and healthy relationship, I can give you some pointers. However, if you are just interested in playing slap and tickle with a (possibly) unwilling female, I won't be of help. Basically, what you are asking me to do is to alert you to any shortcuts in treating a female badly.

For this, you might do better to scan the Internet and find the Web site for a "Dr. Get Some at the Movies" or "Dr. Teenage Sexual Harasser." I have little doubt that such a character exists in the ever-wonderful cyber world.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with this guy for three years now. During the first couple of years, he treated me badly and I know that he slept with at least two other women. I must admit that I slept with someone else during that time as well. The past year, however, things have been going much better. He has recently asked me to marry him, and I'm torn by the whole thing.

Although I think that things are on the right track now, I still am having a hard time fully trusting him. What should I do?

-- Unsure

Dear Unsure,
Have you discussed with him your distrust and why you feel that way? Assuming he has owned up to his unfaithfulness, have you also owned up to yours? If your seriously talking about marriage, now is the time for full disclosure on both your parts and an intimate discussion on why neither of you believe this will happen again. By full disclosure, I don't mean names or the gory details, but the fact that you were both deceitful and unfaithful in the past.

Certainly, if you're still feeling a certain amount of anger or uncertainty, you shouldn't jump to a decision right now. It would also seem that you would be excellent candidates for couples counseling with a legitimate relationships counselor, so you can get any of these nagging issues out on the table. People do change and mature. Part of that maturity in your case would be to acknowledge the hurt you may have caused each other and to have some serious discussions on how and why you have both changed.

You have to ask yourself before you proceed if you sense a real change in his commitment to you (and you in your commitment to him). It's not enough to have just stopped for a year in carrying on with other people. There has to be a real change in the seriousness of one's attitude before marriage becomes a real consideration. Dr. Lovemonkey is a believer in the old-fashioned notion that marriage is for life and it takes work and commitment. Do you both feel that you have changed enough? Move slowly and seriously consider the counseling option.

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