It's never too late

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 40-year-old virgin and have had only had a few blind dates in my entire life. After two years of Paxil, I finally feel the veil of depression that surrounded my life has lifted and I can begin to get my life back on course. As you can well imagine, I'm having a huge problem trying to psyche myself up for the dating world. I know that even if I'm able to get a woman to go out with me, I cannot imagine her wanting to be with a man who has no relationship background with the opposite sex. Is it too late for me? Thank you.

-- Thikka

Dear Thikka,
It's never too late. It's also not true that having had no relationship experiences at age 40 has to be a handicap. You'd be surprised at how many women would like to meet someone with a clean slate like yours. Despite your feelings of insecurity about a lack of experience, the fact that you would not be carrying any baggage or bitterness into a relationship could be considered a real plus.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I was watching an old John Wayne movie on television the other evening. The story took place in Ireland, and I was astounded to see that, in one scene, Wayne appeared to be roughing up his attractive red-haired co-star and love interest. Am I wrong in seeing this as domestic abuse?

-- Terri

Dear Terri,
Ah, yes, Dr. Lovemonkey sure does like those old movies. The film of which you speak would be John Ford's The Quiet Man (1952) and the actress is Maureen O'Hara. Whether or not this would actually qualify as domestic abuse is somewhat hazy, as Maureen seems to give as good as she gets in the climactic "rasslin' " scene. There is no doubt, however, that many old movies contain elements that were presented as "romantic" at the time but which smack of abusiveness -- or even rape -- to our modern eyes.

You'll recall Vivien Leigh being hauled off to the rack by Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind. This little scene seems to the good doctor like nothing less than rape. But of course, after Clark (or, I should say, Rhett) has his way with the fair damsel, she's visibly thrilled. This becomes a great romantic moment and contributes to the confusion about mixed messages -- where "no" doesn't always mean no. I have no doubt that movie scenes like this informed a lot of young men that this type of persistence actually pays off and is acceptable; Hence, a lot of date-rape. The fact that too many of us obtain most of our romantic notions from movies and television has caused untold confusion.

Race is another area in which the movies validated a lot of wrongheaded and stereotypical notions. But while looking at the way African-Americans were portrayed for many years is pretty embarrassing, it can also be used as historical lesson for those who wish to understand the continuing racial divide in this country.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been with my girlfriend now for almost two years. I love her dearly, but she recently told me that she wants to spend a bit more time alone and is not so sure of the current status of our relationship. I want her in my life forever, even though we have not made any plans. I'm rather scared about this new development. I sense her pulling away from me and don't really know what to do about it. I believe that it is appropriate to give her the space she has requested, but I'm afraid that it will widen the gulf between us. What should I do?

-- Confused and Scared

Dear Confused and Scared,
Have you told her how strongly you feel about her and that you want her in your life forever? If you haven't, then you should. Perhaps she is wondering about your commitment to her or maybe she is evaluating how she feels about you and is looking at the pluses and minuses of the relationship.

If she is requesting space, then my suggestion would be to keep in close contact with her through letters or e-mail. Tell her how you feel about her in writing and do this regularly. It is one way to let her know that she is constantly in your thoughts. It also gives you the opportunity to articulate more precisely and thoughtfully how you feel about her.

She may also respond to you in writing, and this would be a very good thing. There's no way of telling why she feels that she needs some space right now, but if you don't go with the flow of her feelings, she may feel even more pressured and pull back further. Give her the space and write. Time will tell and, if you are indeed serious about this being a permanent relationship, you must communicate this to her and let her know of your intentions. In due time, you'll start getting a sense of whether or not she is as serious about the relationship as you are. Good luck, and do let her know on paper about the strength of your feelings.

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