You'll know it when you see it

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Yeah, this is "Nokio" and I'm in grade 10. I came across your "love page," and I was wondering if you could give me some help. Actually, it's an emergency. I have this debate on Wednesday for school. It's for Romeo & Juliet. Anyway, my debate objective is to defend that "love at first sight" is generous and rich. How the hell am I supposed to defend that? I need enough info for about a 10-minute speech. It sucks. All I have right now are surveys, like 84 percent of newlywed men say they fell in love at first sight. I just need some strong points to defend this statement. Please help me. I don't really know what to believe because I've never been in love -- just liked a few girls. I'd appreciate it a lot if you'd answer me. It's pretty much our last assignment for the semester, so I need to do well on this. Thanks a lot, if you could help.

-- Nokio

Dear Nokio,
Unfortunately, there is no simple argument that I can offer to defend the validity of love at first sight (LAFS). What you need to do is access information by talking to a number of people who have been married for some time. When you do that, you will discover that there are quite a number of people out there who have experienced this phenomenon and they can tell you their stories.

Actually, the phrase "love at first sight" is a bit misleading, because that initial and powerful feeling takes in far more of the senses than just sight. It has to do with having well-honed instincts and then having the faith to believe in and follow your best instincts.

Dr. Lovemonkey would argue that LAFS is "generous and rich," because when it actually occurs, it tends to happen when your heart is fully open and you are susceptible to the wonder and beauty of that other person. Of course, it takes effort and work to sustain that love, and one of the key elements in all of that is to continue to keep your heart open and vulnerable to that other person. I know that this has happened, does happen and will continue to happen for many people and there is much mystery and magic in it all. These things are hard to explain in some logical manner, because the spiritual dimension to love looms large -- larger than the more limited sphere of logic.

One of the things that Dr. Lovemonkey has done in his lifetime is write songs, and I (and almost any other songwriter you talk to) can tell you that the best songs come almost instantly as if you were "channeling" them. For a more extensive discussion of this (in the realm of songwriting, that is), I highly recommend the book Written In My Soul by Bill Flanagan.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Although one would think that given three decades of practice, a woman would learn a thing or two about making new friends, I find that this isn't necessarily true. In the past year, three of my closest friends have moved hundreds of miles away. We keep in touch, of course, but e-mails and long-distance phone calls aren't exactly the same thing as girl talk over lunch, watching Jenny Jones with the sound off to provide our own dialogue, and dressing up in vintage cocktail dresses for a trip to the grocery (Milano cookies, anyone?).

In trying to make new friends, I've discovered just how frustratingly similar it is to dating -- without all the free meals and flattery. One woman I've been lunching with seems like great friendship material. She's funny, smart and kind without being saccharine-sweet. Plus, our high school music collections were strikingly similar.

The problem? Her longtime boyfriend is the embodiment of almost everything that I find distasteful. He's rude, egocentric (his license plate says "Playah"), and he treats her accordingly. She has only a couple of friends who are not his friends' girlfriends, and none of them live in town. I sense that he disapproves of her developing friendships that are apart from him. A compassionate person might say this woman is in need of a good friend, but I'm not sure I'm willing to take on a full-time job as confidante.

As you seem to be a savvy student of human nature, my question is this: how likely is it that a friendship with this person would be a healthy bond that enriches us both? Or is it more likely that, if I get any closer to this person, I will spend my precious leisure time listening to a litany about the emotional abuses and controlling maneuvers delivered by her boyfriend?

-- Dating Was Easier

Dear Dating Was Easier,
Certainly, your new acquaintance needs a friend just like you. Of course, "Playah" will probably become disapproving of your friendship, as you don't fit into the controlling and abusive model that he represents. It won't be easy, but at least you may be able to provide this woman with a different way of looking at things, and maybe even get her to rethink her bad relationship. If that's the way it plays out, then you will have done a great service for this person and become a true friend indeed.

I can't tell if she will be able to grow out of the bad scene that she is now involved in, but your continued friendship would at least be a positive element in her life. Just maybe, you could help in giving her the strength to break loose from something that is obviously a negative aspect. The question that you have to answer is, just what level of strength do you have to provide that sort of assistance? This is something you'll have to gauge for yourself.

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