Seeking social graces

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I always find myself feeling rather uncomfortable at cocktail parties. It seems to me that it is always awkward trying to circulate about, talking to a variety of people without being rude or abrupt in ending conversations. Are there any rules of thumb or good techniques to avoid such awkwardness or embarrassment?

-- At a Loss

Dear At a Loss,
Cocktail parties, by their very nature, are not set up for the type of sustained and thoughtful conversations that we humans find meaningful and most edifying. They are designed for hit-and-run "quickies" of verbal intercourse. As such, it would be understandable that any gracious person would feel a bit ill at ease. It could be argued that cocktail parties are a virtual exercise in rudeness. Exercising the classical sort of good manner at these occasions becomes damn near impossible.

Most folks end up doing the best they can in drifting from conversation to conversation, sometimes using the (admittedly) lame line of excusing themselves to "freshen their drink" to escape a brief conversation with someone they hardly know. A great line to remember is, "It was wonderful talking to you," or "Nice to meet you," just before dashing away to another area of the room.

Cocktail parties tend to represent the essence of fabricated and shallow communication. Dr. Lovemonkey suggests that you just hang around the bar and "put on the face" as rapidly as possible. Not only with this alleviate the awkward situation that you have found yourself in, but will probably ensure that you never get invited to another cocktail party by this particular social set ever again.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I read your advice column every week. While I admire your efforts to be accepting of all the diverse sexual orientations without moral censure (a rare trait in these canting times ), my brother has sent me the following news item that I thought might be of some use to your more "adventuresome" readers.

SAN DIEGO (wire service report) -- An unlicensed doctor was sentenced to 15 years to life in prison Friday for amputating the leg of an elderly man to satisfy the man's sexual fetish. John Ronald Brown, 77, was convicted of second-degree murder in October for the 1998 death of Philip Bondy. The 79-year-old New York man paid Brown $10,000 to amputate his healthy leg to satisfy his apotemnophilia, a fetish involving sexual gratification from the removal of a limb. Bondy died at a San Diego hotel two days later of gangrene poisoning. The operation was performed in Mexico. Prior to his trial, Brown pleaded guilty to practicing medicine without a license relating to seven shoddy sex-change operations or related treatments. Brown lost his medical license in 1977 because of his crude sex-change operations.

New York psychologist Gregg Furth testified during the two-week trial that he and Bondy contacted Brown as a last resort to fulfill lifelong desires to amputate their legs. Furth paid Brown to amputate one of his legs last year but changed his mind, in part, because he saw a Mexican doctor who was to assist in the surgery walk into the clinic carrying a butcher knife.

He said Bondy was determined to go through with his surgery and went to San Diego two weeks later. He used the $5,000 Furth had given Brown as a down payment on the surgery. Prosecutor Stacy Running said Brown "just chopped off" Bondy's leg below the knee and then left him at a hotel to recuperate alone while he buried the leg in the desert to hide the evidence from Mexican clinic inspectors.

-- Joey Kraft-Ebbing

Dear Joey Kraft-Ebbing,
Thank you so much for this lovely holiday story. While you speak of my being "accepting of all the diverse sexual orientations without moral censure," I certainly would not include mutilation or self-mutilation (and, in this case, assisted self-mutilation) in that realm. Those involved with this little adventure got what they deserved, with the exception of the unfortunate Mr. Bondy. Regardless of Mr. Bondy's desires, what he needed was counseling and therapy. I find it hard to believe that Mr. Furth, allegedly a psychologist, would have anything to do with helping to assist in such a thing.

There are a number of other sexual predilections that Dr. Lovemonkey also finds harmful and/or dangerous. Among them are pederasty and beastiality. There are very good and logical reasons for this and they have to do with levels of consent. Animals do not enjoy the same level of consent as humans. For a human to engage in sexual activities with a different species means that the human is exploiting the animal in a morally repugnant manner.

Dr. Lovemonkey is of the opinion that we humans have a very special and spiritually important role in the realm of nature, and this is to be stewards of the Earth and the other beings who inhabit the planet with us. This is one reason why Dr. Lovemonkey no longer eats veal, as he believes that the subjugation of calves in the creation of this food is cruel and unusual. Many people believe that the utilization of almost all animal products is equally unacceptable.

In terms of sex between adult and children, the same rule pertains. The assumption is that, until a certain level of maturity is reached, children are not capable of reasoned consent. For an adult to initiate them into sexual activity before that maturity is exploitative and a dereliction of adult responsibility. Dr. Lovemonkey does not see homosexuality, bisexuality or transgender situations in this same light. These are true and understandable orientations.

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