Going cuckoo

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

---

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm an 18-year-old male and the girl I'm concerned with is 16. About six months ago, my best friend met a girl and started going out with her. I became friends with her, and then good friends, before he broke up with her. At the time I quite liked her and I was worried that I would never see her again, as my best friend would not want me hanging around his ex-girlfriend. But I decided to still go to her house and let her come to mine. I never totally denied to my best friend that I still saw her, but I kept it to a minimum the amount of times that I told him I saw her, and still do.

She and I are great friends now, and although I would like to start going out with her, I don't want to ruin the relationship with my male friend. She has also said that she doesn't want to ruin the friendship, although she has not actually said that she likes me and I have not told her I like her.

She now has a boyfriend from her college who, she said, was exactly like me in personality, which gives me hope. He is in the Navy, so he has gone away for about six months. This makes me happy because I hate it when she talks about him, as I am really jealous. She has said that she does not want to two-time her boyfriend this time (as she has done it to almost all her previous ones). We often cuddle and hug each other, and occasionally kiss on the cheek, but nothing serious. I have slept with her (only slept, no sex) in the same bed twice, and we cuddled and slept with our arms around each other, but I never really thought that it meant anything. But if I was her boyfriend, I know that I would most certainly not want her doing this with another male friend!

I slept with her for the second time two nights ago. We kissed a few times and I accidentally felt her breast, so I said, "I didn't mean to do that." In response, she said, "Oh, damn," so I started feeling her breasts. Now as much as I want it to happen, I still don't want to ruin the friendship and I also don't know if she likes me. The sleeping with her part does look like she likes me from the outside, but I don't want to build my hopes up and I don't want to get the wrong impression. Plus, she said she doesn't want to two-time her boyfriend, so that discourages me.

Also as embarrassing as it may be to admit it, I am not the most experienced guy in the world (if you know what I mean). It has been about a year since I last kissed a girl, so I am not 100 percent sure if I am doing it correctly. So please help me. My life is totally cuckoo!

-- King

Dear King,
You've given the doctor a pretty complete story, and that's helpful for me to pass along a little advice. You are certainly aware that although this 16-year-old girl is involved in an intimate relationship with another guy, she is involved in behavior with you that she obviously is keeping from him. Although you have not engaged in sexual intercourse, her activity with you breaks the trust of the Navy guy. Here she is, voicing disappointment at you not being more sexually forward with her. This would indicate that she is more than willing to cheat on her current boyfriend.

Considering her track record, which you have mentioned, what makes you think that if you were in Navy guy's shoes, she would be faithful to you? All this points towards Dr. Lovemonkey's belief that her behavior toward you would be exactly like her past behavior. She does not sound like a girl who is either interested in or prepared for a monogamous, intimate relationship.

It is not a crime to want to "play the field" as it were, but an inability to be honest and upfront with others, particularly one with whom you are supposedly sharing a romantic relationship, is very dishonest behavior indeed. Why would you want to pursue a relationship with such a person? She shows every indication of being just as unfaithful to you as she has been to her other intimates.

Therefore, Dr. Lovemonkey would suggest that this is not a good potential girlfriend for you, or anyone else, for that matter. That is unless you like the idea of having a relationship with someone who you can't trust. Keep away from her. Look for someone who you can believe in and trust, and be someone who others can believe in and trust. It is unhealthy to become involved with women and men (or boys and girls) who engage in deceit. She has done this and is still doing this with you. There are issues here that touch on emotional maturity, sexual hygiene and spiritual well-being. You're setting yourself up for dysfunction and inevitable disaster. Stop seeing this girl.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archives

---