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Best place to get a dinosaur bone

There are a lot of great antique stores on Wickenden Street in Providence, that funky thoroughfare favored by local hipsters, artists and students, but the most unique shop on the street is the new Ancient Objects, housed in the old Daily Bread building on the corner of Hope Street. The name "Ancient Objects" is absolutely accurate as proprietor Jeff Shore has stocked the space with an eclectic and amazing variety of truly unique objets d'art featuring everything from ancient African warrior clothing to centuries old Chinese bells. And, yes, he does have an actual giant dinosaur bone on display. Even the casual browser will feel like they've taken an introductory course in archeology after entering the portals of this fabulous and colorful little shop. 395 Wickenden Street, Providence, 455-3538.

Best place to avoid Providence Place

Nauseated by the commercialism of the mall, but still need a birthday present? Head for CenterCity Artisans, a cooperative store displaying the work of 200 Rhode Island artists. The store offers a buffet of handmade items not sold at Nordstrom's, including a glass tiger lily ($30), hand-made ceramic Christmas tree ornaments ($12), and zany light switch covers ($6). Jewelry, note cards, scarves, rugs, pottery, cabinet hardware and women's hats are all for sale. Many items are under $20, but also available is a fire engine red Mr. Potatohead-like vase for $350 or a cast copper bowl for $600. All merchandise must pass a juried examination by the store's board of directors, says gallery director Lauren Curtis. 2nd Floor, the Arcade, Weybosset Street, Providence.

Best place to recite Burns at the cash register

Rough stuff, scotch. Particularly in this age of Lite brews that treat flavor like a carcinogen, of tasteless vodkas flooding the American market, brands boasting of their similarity to pure water. Even most gins have lost their juniper tang, only Gibley's left advertising the distinction with pride. There have even been recent attempts to market crystal clear "whiskeys." But no one with a straight face could suggest selling a scotch that could be confused with rainwater. Certainly not the folks at Wakefield Liquors, who stock more than 100 varieties and who know that people drink scotch for the very impact of peaty intensity that fades on the tongue like the crump of distant howitzers, that drives the cowardly off to whimper in their Zimas. Ah, the nutty overtones of Cragganmore, the hints of new-mown hay in Bowmore, the big smoky finish of Laphroaig . . . Wakefield Liquors has them all, and many, many more. 667 Kingstown Road, Wakefield, 783-4555.

Best place to have your Erik Estrada framed

Ever since you saw Ponch's tight buns on a motorcycle patrolling the California Highway system, you've had to have him. Unfortunately the closest thing you've come to wedded bliss is an autographed head-shot from the World of Wheels car show your washed-up idol appeared at in 1987. It's been your most prized possession for over a decade. And closeted. Now, Y2K approaching, it's the perfect time to finally reveal your obsession to the world. Don't worry about societal approval, instead fret about the preservation of your lifetime achievement. The folks at Picture This can help. With their expert guidance, they will assist you in choosing a mat color to accent your deity's gleaming pearly whites and a frame to bring out his cocoa buttery skin. Best of all, you'll receive service with a smile, not with a snicker. 158 Wickenden Street, Providence, 273-7263; 552 Kingstown Road, Wakefield, 789-6200.

Best place to outfit yourself like Mia Hamm

Friends don't let friends got to the Soccer Post. It's a dangerous place, with all of the glorious Premiere League, Bundesliga, Seria A, et al team jerseys there: fans of the beautiful game find it difficult to keep their wallets in pocket. See, before owner Vernon Howard setup shop in the Summer of '97, the Phoenix footy contingent had to drive to major mets like NYC or Boston in search of our beloved Newcastle United Football Club gear. Now it's just a hop over the East Prov.-Seekonk line for the best selection we've seen stateside. The most popular item: Mia Hamm replica jerseys ($44.99-$69.99). Says Howard, "I wish Nike had more of them. I can't keep them in stock." The Soccer Post also carries the area's largest assortment of soccer shoes ($17.99-$160), shin pads ($5.99-$34.99), and custom designed uniforms, as well as gobs of the super-hip Kappa line of warm-ups seen on your favorite club kids ($25.99-$89.00). Now if they only had a spending limit to help us get outta debt. 1201 Fall River Avenue, Seekonk, MA, (508) 336-3311.

Best place to get that needle for your arm

Think of it as what you really would like to find in Grandma's attic: a bunch of your buddies hanging out in a 2500-square-foot space crammed with 100000 albums, CDs, tapes, and all the accoutrements to play them on. Decades ago, Luke Renchan was just another kid with a couple thousand records and a couple dozen friends hanging out. Ma and Pa Renchan laid down the law, however, so Luke got a bigger box for his collection and Luke's Record Exchange was born. "I specialize in classic rock -- Hendrix, Joplin, Stones," Renchan says. His most requested band? The Beatles. "I'm getting kids in here who want to play their parents' albums," he laughs, so he now carries a growing collection of needles and vintage turntables. From the guru of music, advice to collectors: "If I don't have it here, you don't need it." 393 Broadway, Pawtucket, 725-7156.

Best place to rub one out

Neither allowing your featherweight girlfriend to stomp your aching, knot-riddled vertebrae barefoot while you lay facedown on the carpet moaning nor asking your man for a spine-crackling, pro wrestling bearhug qualifies as legit medical attention. For over a dozen years Massage Therapy Associates has offered the best in the art of massage (by appointment only). And, with an average of ten years experience behind owner Ray Moriyasu's staff (five women and two men), rest assured that the $25 for a half-hour session, $45 for an hour, or $70 for 90 minutes of nirvana is money well spent. Perhaps the best part of getting a massage from a professional: you'll never hear the whiny words "Okay, it's your turn, my hands are tired." Home and office visits available. 289 Wickenden Street, Providence, info 831-7190; appointment, 831-1238.

Best place to be catcalled by a parrot

Birdwatcher's Nature View has 200 kinds of bird feeders. They have bird posts, baths, houses, books, videos, and CDs. Baffles to keep squirrels from bird feeders. A squirrel-sized chair-and-table feeder for dried corncobs (keeps them from the birdseed). And, best of all, while you're in this amazingly comprehensive store (the wall of binoculars and spotting scopes alone is worth the trip), you might be muttered at or catcalled by Friday, the African gray parrot who has grown up in the shop and carries on lengthy conversations with herself. To observe other birds, sign on for one of Birdwatcher's tours in southeastern New England, bring your pre-schoolers to the monthly Audubon story hours at the store or call Birdwatcher's for migratory patterns in your neighborhood. 730 Kingstown Road, Wakefield, (800) 270-8020. http://www.birdersnatureview.com.

Best place to hear "Hey, that prick hurts!"

When you look good, your artist gets props in the form of a respecting nod and inquiry, "Hey, where'd you get the work done?" And although everyone seems to know someone who is "the best in the friggin' state," Electric Ink has some of the most experienced and talented tattoo artists in Rhode Island -- owner Chris Borge has been tattooing for 12+ years. Scour the waiting room for that perfect piece, or come up with an original ($150/hr for custom work). They can also cover up those heinous ink blotches you politely declined in the joint. Electric Ink has friendly staff (people skills usually elude the typical tattoo parlor) who take their work seriously (no body piercing or temporary tattoo nonsense). 153 Waterman Avenue, East Providence, 435-3393; 23 Austin Road, North Kingston, 886-7448.

Best place to learn how to hang ten

You don't get to be the joint for surfers without offering lessons. That's why the Watershed's proprietor and surfing champ Peter "Pan" Panagiotis began giving free lessons every Wednesday at noon during the summer months on Narragansett Beach. That's also why he rents surfboards ($15 for a half-day, $20 for a full day), has his staff give private lessons and stocks his store with several sizes of Hobies and Bics. The Watershed has also become the place to grab trucks, wheels and grip-tape to feed the skateboard habit. It was one of the first 50 dealers in the country to carry Burton snowboards and offers every imaginable accessory to these sports. They display 24 surf, skateboard and snowboard magazines. And you can't beat that rack of 11 gumball machines next to the door. 396 Main Street, Wakefield, 789-3399; Surf Report, 789-1954.

Best way to get windburn indoors

The high-bandwidth Internet access via Cox@Home is to normal surfing what downhill skiing is to Kabuki theater. It's fifty times faster than what your 56.6kbs modem could do if that rate were for real. As you click on links, it's like every Web page in the world is in cache on your hard drive. Graphics-intensive sites load like you're scrolling through a word processor document. The real trip is with finger-snap downloads. That makes movie trailers -- and even full-length indie features -- run without the jerky lack of lip-synch that can make RealVideo on the Web the visual equivalent of a crystal receiver back at the dawn of radio. Without cable, it's $40 per month, plus cable modem purchase or rental. http://www.cox.com.

Best oenophile pick-up spot

It's 25 years and counting for Campus Fine Wines (check the creaking wooden floors and aroma of grandpa's garage), noted for their experienced, service-oriented staff, providing a professional atmosphere for connoisseurs of vintage vino. From three-digit Sauvignons to $3 Beaujolais, they've got it, and they can tell you exactly why it is you don't taste the oak-cherry-pepper-copper finish. Stop by Campus and pick up a specialty millenium champagne for $2000, and check out the thorough selection of ports (some over $300), Bordeaux, and the multitude of California vineyards represented. Campus also stocks over 125 single malts, along with super-premium vodkas and specialty tequilas at fair prices. As the name implies, Campus Fine Wines caters to both the college contingent and the wine-sniffing nouveau riche. 127 Brook St., Providence, 621-9650.

Best place to get your head shot

During the 1920s and '30s, the pages of magazines were filled with glamorous, stylized photographs, black and white, brilliantly lit; the subjects inevitably looked beautiful, glamorous, flawless. The subject of dreams? Make it a reality at the studio of Berge Ara Zobian. Nestled in the top floor of a three-story house near da Hill, chez Berge is very Soho, with 20-foot cathedral ceilings and stark white walls. The former AP shooter specializes in portraits of performers, politicians or wannabes. Berge charges $150 for a two- to three-hour shoot. Bring your own tunes if you like, then consult with the maestro so you can choose a head-shot to make your Mama proud. "I don't believe in tricks," says Berge. "I spend time with someone before I even touch the camera. I like to work through the optics of the lens, through my eye into the person's eye." 17 Amherst Street, Providence, 751-1970.

Best Hollywood view of Providence

Gee. Our view of Providence, especially now that the mall blocks the view of the State House from I-95, is never quite as picturesque as it is from the air under that TV show's credits. And not just because in Hollywood's view it's eternally autumn here, with foliage as dazzling as October on an L.L. Bean calendar: every camera shot, in even the briefest jump cut, has been composed like an Edward Hopper painting. Well, don't continue disappointing your relatives around the country with your pedestrian snapshots that -- admit it, now -- hardly show the capital at its best. You've been making the mistake of photographing at street level, from a mere human point of view, silly. Call Horizon Aviation and arrange for a flight to take aerial shots of the city. One-hundred-eighteen bucks an hour to prove you really do live in a TV-town. 736-5115. www.horizonaviation.com.

Best bookstore for buried "treasure"

You've all seen the sections in used bookstores: cookbooks, literature, mysteries, etc. But at Mom & Pop's Bookstore, the breakdowns become more detailed: cars, cycles, railroads, diving, deserts and, yes, "Treasure," "Trouble," and "Problems." You can peruse books on Typhoid Mary, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes and plane crashes found under "Trouble," books on addictions or mental health dug out of "Problems," and antique books undusted from "Treasure." You can also find Mario Puzo in Danish, Isak Dinesen in Norwegian and a Canadian-published volume called Outhouses of the East. With an amazingly broad spectrum of reading material on two floors, Mom & Pop's still manages to tuck in boxes of LPs, especially classical music, a rack of sheet music, a shelf of cassettes, CDs and videos. Don't miss their offerings in African-American and Rhode Island authors and Rhode Island history. 239 Robinson Street, Wakefield, 782-2553.

Best dingy bargain basement

What once was the Wampanoag `Mall' is now a haven for the low-budget consumer. And leading a frugal frenzy that includes Marshall's, Payless, and RX Place is Savers, the self-proclaimed "thrift department store." This place is a pigsty, but you're not paying for ambience. Where else can you score original, previously punished old-skool Nintendo systems for $5.99 (who doesn't have Nintendo cartridges buried in their closet?), women's stylish fur coats (think Chrissy Snow circa 1977) for $14.99, and men's jeans as cheap as five bucks. Plenty of pre-owned terrycloth bathrobes ($2.49!) and undergarments (ewww), even a microwave for $4.99 (outlets are provided for the electrical equipment, and no, the microwave didn't work). The thrifty college contingent can score big with "Dollar Day Mondays." Stop by and donate some stuff. 1925 Pawtucket Avenue, East Providence, 438-1955.

Best shop for guys who hate to ask

Admit it, guys, they're right. But it's not so much that you refuse to ask for directions as that the challenge of getting there on your own is such a, well, trip. The Map Center is here to help. According to proprietor Andrew Nosal world maps sell the best, but as far as the popularity of particular locations goes, "It can be anything. Sooner or later, it's everything." Going trekking in Nepal, or off-track in Upstate New York? Along with your choice of Paris street maps, you can chart the by-ways of Istanbul. Planning a hike? Geological survey quadrant maps of the Biggest Little go for just six bucks. Planning a trip? Drop in and stock up. 671 North Main Street, Providence, 421-2184. www.mapcenter.com.

Best (and only) hoop kicks on Thayer Street

The trendy hipsters of indie Americana, the East Side college circuit, can now sport more than second-hand Docs and Chuck Taylor's, thanks to the second coming of Savon Shoes. Whether you need new hoop kicks for that intramural league or comfy walking shoes for the 12-hour waitress shift, Savon Shoes will hook up those barking dogs without paying full boat. Personable Thayer Street manager Scott Berube guarantees the same "everyday discount prices" as their original locale, making the prices more than a bit anomalous for Thayer shopping. Whether it's performance (802 New Balance trail runner, $75), or old-skool style (retro Adidas, Reebok Classics and Nike Cortez from $49), Savon has it, and more importantly, at the right price. Step up to the multi-flavored line of Saucony Jazz ($40-50), the hottest retro-shoe this year. And don't forget the extensive line of Giorgio Brutini, Kenneth Cole, and chunky, roughneck GBX and Timbos. 219 Thayer Street, Providence, 453-NIKE.

Best non-judgmental used bookstore

Its proprietors don't seem very impressed with themselves, or their stock. This is a modesty we think it's high time to explode. An eclectic mix of old rarities and new releases, high art and low culture, Cellar Stories boasts a huge selection that's . . . we hate to use the word quirky but in this case it fits -- it's the rare used bookstore that boasts an extensive true crime section just a couple aisles over from the feminist theory texts. At Cellar Stories, you can treat yourself to a good self-help or science fiction read along with that obscure French film theory you couldn't find anywhere else. The place is big on books and low on attitude. Next time you've got a long bus trip on your agenda, go to Cellar Stories and ask for cheap travel guides and audiobook best sellers. The staff may be busy shelving fat literary biographies, but they won't regard you as a Cretin for asking. 111 Mathewson Street, Providence, 521-2665.

Best place to get lit

Remember those lamps shaped like hula dancers that your grandma had? Ever wondered what happened to them? They're probably lurking at the back of Water Street Antiques, a shop in Warren owned by John Devine, whose obsession with lamps is outta control. Walk through his shop and you will spot 1970s chrome saucers, a pair of 1950s lamps shaped like Middle Eastern figures (complete with teal harem pants), or an Oriental pagoda lamp whose price tag brags, "Try to find another one like it." You'll also find furnishings in amoebae, boomerang and cubist shapes, along with lime green or animal upholstery. Devine loves stuff made after the start of the atomic era when, "Bang! It was all rockets, George Jetson for real." By the way, if you see one lamp that looks like a tall, lanky guy with reddish hair and black shades, it's not for sale. That's John. 149 Water Street, Warren.

Best retro furniture

Acme Antiques set up shop a year-and-a-half ago to rave reviews from both regional dealers and local customers looking to buck tradition on the stereotypical antique shop inventory of bland, tree-based dead people's furniture. So what sets Acme apart from the plethora of antique shops on Wickenden Street? Owners Albert Hughes and Kevin Regan have provided a great selection of eclectic décor, particularly modern industrial furnishings, the bare metal and steel style usually seen in ultra-hip lofts in Manhattan and Los Angeles. This isn't your grandmother's antique shop -- Acme Antiques does not collect mahogany, oak or cedar pieces, which might discourage the purist, but garners plenty of attention from New York dealers and collectors (thus the quick turnover). Acme Antiques also offers chic fixtures from the 1920s and swinging Hollywood '40s. 460 Wickenden Street, Providence, 751-6085.

Best place to blow your Microsoft stock options

You can't sleep unless you get that pair of $280 Salvatore Ferragamo alligator loafers you've been dreaming about. Or maybe you'll settle for a $168 burgundy ostrich boa. Perhaps contentment depends on a $90 diamond-block Robert Talbott silk tie or a $150 Ghurka wallet made from Italian leather soft as a bambino bottom. It doesn't matter that you developed such tastes in Seattle, the hometown of the Nordstrom chain of fashion retailers, because they've opened their 100^th shop here. In 1901 John W. Nordstrom started the joint as a simple shoe store. Since then its rep for service has led satisfied customers to give the chain sales of $384 per square-foot, twice that of many successful department stores. You can do the math on the 160,000-sq.-ft. newbie. Providence Place Mall. http://www.nordstrom.com/shop.

Best place to kiss a ferret without worrying onlookers

Time was, a white cockatoo on the shoulder was the height of chic for the boulevardier. Nowadays, a ferret poking its nose out of your sweat-suit hood is all kinds of au courant, not to mention a great way to strike up conversations on the street. Trouble is, ferrets are hell on wheels. So much so that the application form to adopt one through the Ferret Association of RI is thicker than a logorrheic's suicide note. It points out that the varmints dig in plant pots, get into everything and, oh yes, stink when startled. Try before you buy, at the annual Ferret Frolic in North Kingstown next spring. More than 100 will show up with their owners. See them dressed as brides and grooms, as Robin Hood, as Ferret Fawcett. Watch them race. Decide if you want a pet that will make your roommate's furniture-clawing cat seem like a feline Miss Manners. Ferret Association of RI, 294-6309.

Best place to get your kid plastered

Looking for a therapeutic way to unwind (without the danger of a hangover) and a rewarding experience with your child that doesn't entail an ass-whipping on the Playstation? Bring the clan to Plaster Palace where the pottery is unpainted and the kids are royalty. Choose your soon-to-be-masterpiece (ranging from $25.50-$50), pull up a bench and start painting, or throw a two-hour birthday party for up to 40 tots ($9.50-$12.25 per child, painting supplies and aprons included) who can choose from 200 plaster figurines or plaques. Plaster Palace also offers fund-raising and fine art classes for adults. Owner Kim Ellery, a Warwick native with an art degree from RIC, particularly loves "promoting self-esteem through art" with senior citizens and folks with special needs. Whether you fit that bill or not, it's sure as hell more rewarding than dumping quarters into video games. 289 Cowesett Avenue, West Warwick, 826-2200.

Best place to see their pearly teeth, dear

This is a tale, not one of woe,of the fair Juliet and her Romeo.
The boy, he went courting, she was such a dish,
he loved her completely, though she was a fish.
Their love has long lasted, now five years and more,
played out in the window of the Aqua-Life Aquarium store.
On Wickenden Street two sharks swim in their tank,
built for them by George Goulart, not . . . Frank.
When he was a baby, George wanted a shark
and built a clear, 1000-gallon shark park.
There he placed baby Romeo, and young Juliet
and gave them an eel so they would have a pet.
George sets up aquariums the natural way
so fish he sells customers go home to stay.
As for Romeo and Juliet, he can't put in words
just how thrilled he is that they are such love birds.
389 Wickenden Street, Providence, 331-5376.

Best authentic Rhode Island product to ship to relatives

The waters of the North Atlantic produce some of the world's tastiest clams, or so we Rhode Islanders would like to believe. Rhode Island Quahog has gathered them into a tasty 15-ounce can called Newport Clam Chowder, mixed up a one-pound box of Rhode Island Clam Cake Mix and, along with a can of chopped clams for the cakes, put together a great gift basket for ex-Rhode Islanders or curious family members ($18 includes shipping). There is a larger "Gourmet Gift Box" with two cans of chowder, two cans of Rhode Island Red Clam Sauce, a box of clam cake mix and a box of Rhode Island Seafood batter mix ($40). What better way to send classic clam cakes and chowdah beyond our borders? They also have logo-ed hats, Tees, bags, aprons and kid's clothes. 3913 Main Road, Tiverton, 625-1316. http://www.riquahog.com.

Best place to pay your utilities, play Keno, get your Prozac prescription, and pick up a 30-pack all in one shot

For more than 42 years Rhode Islanders have enjoyed the multi-faceted convenience of Phred's Drug. The bustling Oaklawn Avenue location (1/2 mile from Warwick Mall) is a conveniently located hot spot to grab your weekly PowerBall fix, pay the utilities and play some Keno(!) while waiting for the prescribed narcotics. But the best reason to forget CVS and shop Phred's? They sell booze! And lots of it! Phred's carries everything from St. Ides to Sam Adams, plenty of wine and an entire aisle devoted to the hard stuff, saving you another trip on the ride home from work. Even better than the selection (surprisingly) are the prices. And no, Phred's won't sell on Sundays, no matter how much you beg and bribe. 1288 Oaklawn Avenue, Warwick, 463-6300; 1025 Cranston Street, Cranston, 275-2100.

Best new chain

With two other well-established shops in Newport and Wakefield, three's a charm for Ethnic Concepts, the coolest new store on Wickenden Street (enough with the antique shops!). Owner Dave Vendettuoli attributes the not-quite-year-old store's growing customer base to "mad selection. We represent over 40 different [glass] blowers, both local and national. And, if we don't have what you need here, we can get it from one of our other locations." Don't let the cozy confines fool you -- take your pick from over 800 hand-blown glass pieces alone, not to mention the hundreds of pipes and tubes available in every size, shape and style imaginable. As with any respectable head shop, to browse and to purchase is to have 18-plus ID in hand. 335 Wickenden Street, Providence, 454-7473.

Best way to get stuffed

Enchanted by lobster ravioli at a restaurant but feel you can't afford such a treat more than once a year? Think again. You can pick up your own dozen-pack of lobster ravioli for just $7.25 at the deli that made their name with homemade pastas: Venda Ravioli. Going strong in their 80th year, Venda has upped the standard for ravioli with the wonderful fillings they offer: eggplant, porcini mushrooms, asparagus, butternut squash, basil, vegetable, and chicken walnut. Other variations come and go, such as shrimp or spinach with gorgonzola, but those listed above, plus tortellini and gnocchi (the red is deliciously beet-y) fill the freezer case at Venda. Another refrigerator case holds grated cheeses and sauces, including alfredo, pink vodka and marinara. Pick up olives at the deli counter and bread near the door, and you're good to go at Venda. 277 Atwells Avenue, Providence, 421-9105.

Best place to back up your bragging in style

Who was that general who got caught last year sporting Vietnam War combat decorations he didn't earn? Well, we're not talking about going that far, but if you've ever wanted one of those towering, recipient-dwarfing wedding-cake trophies that competitors get for winning at Le Mans, World Trophies can help you out. From certificates and brass and walnut recognition plaques, through engraved acrylic trophies and "Lucite embedments" (think paperweight), to those engraved gold watches that retired corporate drones are always resenting so much, they're there for you. Have a crown engraved that declares you "Miss Congeniality." Have a medal made touting your significant other as "The Best Darn Helpmate Since Mrs. Einstein Came Up With the MC² Part." 275 Silver Spring Street, Providence, 272-5846. http://www.worldtrophies.com.

Best place to get those sold-out $650 Streisand tickets

Jeff "Swany" Stone, owner of Big Event Tickets, is a "ticket guy" who doesn't fill the stereotypical scumbag-scalper profile. "People pay big money to get down close, in the middle of the action. We are providing a service to people willing to pay for something they really want. You can do your own laundry, or you can take it to the cleaners and pay someone to do it for you," he says. From Buffett to the Baby B's to WWF wrestling, Stone can get you your ringside seat for the sold-out show. Upcoming big events? Ticket brokers are eagerly awaiting the rumored Ricky Martin tour this winter, sure to draw big money. Stone deals "mostly with the Boston area" but can find almost anything -- for a price. Call Big Event, without getting taken to the cleaners. 474-6556.

Best way to cut kid costs

Let your rich, childless friends buy the Baby Dior layettes and the handmade Swedish building blocks. Thank them profusely and don't tell them the truth: that little ones outgrow and destroy their stuff so fast, a hefty price tag usually isn't worth it. The answer to the age-old kid gear conundrum can be found at the aptly named Small Change, a second-hand shop for kids' clothing, toys, books, and accessories. The place is packed with the barely worn and the lightly used. The "change" evident in most of this merchandise is indeed so small you may never mall shop again. Ask about trade-ins; that Baby Dior layette may finally be worth something in credit. 727 Hope Street, Providence, 861-4966.

Best shop for those on the go

Just because you never knew most of the stuff in Warwick's iGear existed doesn't mean you don't need it. How about a compact portable smoke hood for $39.99, in case you get trapped in a hotel that's suffering a meltdown? Or a door alarm for $9.99? Tie caddies -- plastic gizmos in which to roll up your power ties wrinkle-free -- at two for $9.49? For when you're not worrying about death, invasion, or good grooming, there's a Samsonite eye-shade and ear-plug set for $7.50. Drive a lot? Set up a mobile computing desk ($149.99) to work on those spreadsheets when traffic snarls to a knot, and sip from your state-of-the-art stainless steel beverage travel mug ($9.99). And since iGear is an online shop, you can browse its electronic aisles and order while on the road. www.RoadWarriorGear.com.

Best shopping for book lovers on budgets

Twice a year, in April and October, the Rochambeau branch of the Providence Public Library holds its Bi-Annual Book Sale to benefit library programs. Here's how it works: friends of the library get an exclusive first look on the 20th. (You can become a friend of the library for a mere five bucks.) The general public starts shopping on the 21st. On the last day, remaining books are sold for a dollar (sometimes even less) per bag! Check it out. This isn't the kind of library sale where they try to unload books no one's checked out in years; the goods here are mostly donations from our very own and fabulously well-read community. 708 Hope Street, Providence, 455-8110.

Best blow jobs in Warwick

A head shop in Warwick, RI? Utterly appropriate. Hence, Wonderland Smoke Shop, a small gem just seconds from the malls. Owners Ernest Motta and David Souza offer the usual head shop fare and much more, from a well-stocked humidor to "Rave Energy" pills to a variety of those sketchy, "legally-kind" products (a fat chunk of "herbal hash" runs $20). They also stock a great selection of Graffix, Chills, and blown glass -- ergo the pun -- for $18-$450. Now imagine a late night session terminated by an inebriated buddy breaking that money glass pipe: not to worry, puff daddy, Wonderland's atypical hours (open daily at 9 a.m.) will have you ready for breakfast. Pull up a booth, grab a cup of joe from the new café and twist up a law-abiding fatty. But bring ID and respect house rules concerning vocab for those "tobacco use only" smoking devices. 666 East Avenue, Warwick, 823-3134.

Best cure for cabin fever

Sure, there's the zoo and the park and the Children's Museum but what, aside from the obvious joy of pleasing one's progeny, is in it for the folks? On one of those long winter nights when you need a field trip just as much as your kid, take a ride over to Warwick Mall. Stroll through the food court and behold -- the good old-fashioned Warwick Mall carousel complete with horses and bunnies to ride and flashing lights and festive music to get you in the mood. It's good, wholesome fun, not to mention a very effective bribe. Little kids dig it so much that they'll tag along on your shopping if they know there's a bunny ride at the end of it. Warwick Mall, Warwick, 739-7500.

Best place to procrastinate

It's a known fact that you can't get any important writing done, be it dissertation, great American novel, grocery list, or letter to mom, without the perfect writing implement. The choice of pen is as important as it is individual and Morrison's Office Supply understands this. Their range of writing tools is so broad, in fact, that it's easy to part with lots of time and money here. So be forewarned, and then enjoy. Sample 35-cent pencils and $140 fountain pens and everything in-between. Rediscover the joy of dipping into an inkwell. Ponder which thickness of mechanical pencil lead really speaks to you. And when you've answered these questions, there's still more self-definition-via-product-consumption yet to do. Agonize over to which year 2000 planner you'll commit. Browse through books of fancy personalized papers. Need keys duplicated? You can do that, too. 215 Thayer Street, Providence, 421-8260.

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