Alt.Medicine 101

Aromatherapy

What it is: Aromatic oils from plants are burned, sniffed, bathed in, eaten, or rubbed on the skin.

Where it comes from: France

Underlying theory: The oils of plants and flowers have a spiritual dimension, essentially the plant's soul, that can balance the harmony of the body necessary for mental and physical health.

Uses: Stress reduction, immune system enhancement, mood alteration and overall health and appearance improvement.

Product tie-in: Body Shop Bergamot Essential Oil, .25 oz., $4.

Cool part: You can smell like Earl Grey for weeks on end.

Not so cool part: You might also attract bees during family picnics.

Ayurvedic medicine

What it is: Traditional Hindu medicine encompassing forms of acupuncture, Qi therapy, and diet, in which practitioners adjust their treatment according to body type and season. A common element is the panchakarma, a purification therapy in five steps: (1) emesis, or vomiting; (2) purgation, or the emptying of the bowels with a laxative; (3) errhine therapy, in which one applies medicated oils, powdered herbs, and a cow- or buffalo-butter fat to the inside of the nose; (4) two enemas, one of oil, one of water; and (5) raktamosha, or bloodletting.

Where it comes from: India

Underlying theory: Patients belong to one of three body types that determine what their diet and remedial applications should be to establish balanced cosmic energy and center of consciousness.

Uses: Obesity, acne, hives, herpes, hypertension, hair loss, and liver disorders.

Product tie-in: A one day panchakarma session at The Ayurvedic Institute (New Mexico) runs $275.

Cool part: Absolutely nothing.

Not so cool part: See panchakarma, elements one through five.

Crystal Healing

What it is: Crystals or gemstones are worn around the neck or wrist, waved over the body, or placed in home or work environments.

Where it comes from: Egypt, India, ancient Greece, ancient Rome.

Underlying theory: Crystals shift the light and color of one's aura into a healthier part of the aura spectrum.

Uses: Cancer, blindness, Parkinson's disease, rheumatism, and depression.

Product tie-in: Emerald necklace, $750.

Cool part: Medicine you can wear to a dinner party . . .

Not so cool part: . . . if you want to look like Betty Rubble.

Chiropractic

What it is: Invented in 1895 by Dr. Robert Palmer, chiropractic involves the direct manipulation and realignment of the spinal chord.

Where it comes from: Davenport, Iowa

Underlying theory: 95 percent of illnesses come from subluxations -- small misalignments -- of the spinal chord. The other 5 percent come from joint problems.

Uses: Immune disorders, cancer, diabetes, back pain, and tension headaches.

Product tie-in: Doctors of Chiropractic:Part of Your Health Care Team!: A Consumer Guide Featuring San Francisco Giants' Barry Bond:Free.

Cool part: Undo the damage you did to your back shoveling snow last winter.

Not so cool part: Some chiropractors are known for seeing more than 60 patients an hour, at $30 or more insurance-covered bucks per session.

Homeopathy

What it is: The practice of treating "like with like," homeopathic remedies consist of giving a patient perhaps immeasurable doses of substances that generate the symptoms of the illness being fought.

Where it comes from: Germany.

Underlying theory: Our own immune system has all of the equipment it needs to treat ailments, but the system sometimes needs a homeopathic kick to get it rolling.

Uses: Acne, incontinence, flu, stomach ailments, seizure control, and allergies.

Product tie-in: Body Electric Homeopathic "Weight Management Pak," $161.95 each.

Cool part: Treats illness with non-toxic elements.

Not so cool part: Treats illness with non-existent elements.

Color Therapy

What it is: A range of treatments including colored light mind-body healing, colorpuncture, and hydrochromopathy, that involve the application of color through lights or liquid on a patient's body. (For example, hydrochromopathy involves placing water in a colored glass bottle, placing the bottle in the sun for a time, and then drinking the color-charged water.)

Where it comes from: England

Underlying theory: Colors directly affect health and have the potential, through clothing, light, food, and water, to affect a wide range of illnesses through modification of color imbalances, which are direct causes of disease.

Uses: Fever, depression, tiredness, attention deficit disorder, hyperthyroid, circulatory problems, and stomach disorders.

Product tie-in: Complete set of seven color therapy lenses (i.e., sunglasses) from The Mineral Connection: $103.90.

Cool part: Great excuse to wear sunglasses at night.

Not so cool part: But you will still be mercilessly teased by even your dearest loved-ones.

Magnet Therapy

What it is: Application of magnets to the energy points and meridians of a patient's body.

Where it comes from: Asia, Europe.

Underlying theory: The magnets reestablish regularity in the human energy system, pulling Qi back into alignment.

Uses: Chronic and general pain relief, including achy joints, arthritis, and lower-back pain.

Product tie-in: Tectonicreg. Magnetic Back Support: $96.

Cool part: Stick family photos and Junior's finger-paintings to your body parts.

Not so cool part: Look forward to a strip search at every single airport customs office.

Osteopathy

What it is: Similar to chiropractic, except that classical osteopaths manipulate the bones, particularly those of the cranium, instead of the spinal chord. Modern osteopaths also use surgery and drugs.

Where it comes from: Kirksville, Missouri

Underlying theory: Physical traumas, like birth or broken limbs, inhibit proper flow of the circulatory and nervous systems, which then directly affect the immune system and physical health, often for years. Osteopaths realign the cranium and skeletal system, allowing proper flow.

Uses: Acute muscle and skeletal problems, headaches, asthma, ear infections, tinnitus, gastro-intestinal system distress, attention deficit disorder, and sleep disorders.

Product tie-in: Osteopaths charge rates similar to that of a standard MD, and visits are often covered by insurers.

Cool part: The Fulford Percussion Vibrator -- handy device that tests how tight your muscles are and releases trauma-caused blockages. That's all it's for. We swear.

Not so cool part: To your osteopath: what, couldn't get into real medical school?

Qigong Therapy

What it is: Overarching name for therapies that manipulate Qi (vital body energy force) through direction of that force, including light touching, therapeutic touch, and the laying on of hands.

Where it comes from: China.

Underlying theory: The body's Qi needs to be balanced by breathing, posture, and positive channeling in order to remain mentally and physically fit. A healthy Qi is like a full-body shield.

Uses: A messed-up Qi is basically at the heart of whatever ails you, and is used for drug addiction, general wound and illness healing, immune problems, and prolonged life.

Product tie-in: Qigong video: Gift of the Tao: $29.95.

Cool part: Dayan Qigong, or Wild Goose therapy, involves 64 movements aping those of the wild goose.

Not so cool part: Cost, per hour, of expert Feng Shui housing designer: $250.

Reiki

What it is: The word Reiki (ray-key) comes from the Japanese words for "soul" (rei) and "life force" (Ki, with its clear relation to Qi). A practitioner channels positive Qi-force into a patient's body.

Where it comes from: Japan.

Underlying theory: The healer's energy flows out of their body and into the patient's solar plexus, where it is stored for later use in fighting illness and disease. Reiki's healing energies cures on emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual levels by rebalancing a patient's Qi.

Uses: Reiki healing is, supposedly, limitless in the diseases it can cure -- including cancer -- and an offshoot, Marathon Reiki, employs up to 15 Reiki healers going for 24 hours to fight the most serious of ailments.

Product tie-in: A Reiki practitioner charges about $50 - $75 for a one hour healing session.

Cool part: Reiki practitioners don't need to be in the same actual continent as the person they are healing.

Not so cool part: A Reiki practitioner runs the risk of catching the illness of the patient they are trying to heal, no matter the distance.

Rolfing

What it is: A copyrighted invention of organic chemist Ida P. Rolf, Rolfing is a form of deep-muscle massage that works directly on the soft, connective tissue called fascia. It is considered quite painful.

Where it comes from: Boulder, Colorado.

Underlying theory: The earth and its gravitational field are essential parts of a total-health picture, and one's body's energy field needs to be organized and aligned with it. Rolfing massage releases muscled memories of traumatic incidents that prevent this alignment. Both posture and detected energy imbalances are key signifiers of illness in a patient.

Uses: General muscle and bone pain and stress, and repetitive stress injuries, such as stress fractures and carpal tunnel syndrome.

Product tie-in: A typical 90-minute session with a certified Rolfer goes for around $125.

Cool part: SM-type pleasure, and absolutely no denying that an actual physical treatment has occurred.

Not so cool part: Standard treatment includes 10 sessions, plus one every three months.

Tantric Therapy

What it is: Everybody's favorite alternative medicine, Tantra involves healing through curative lovemaking, in which partners exchange energies and transformative touch through extended bouts of sex, holding, pulling, and squeezing.

Where it comes from: India.

Underlying theory: This pretty much ultimate type of the laying on of hands affects Qi through an intermingling of physical energies and "meridians," or the lines of force that flow through our bodies affecting physical and mental health and outlook.

Uses: Sexual energizer and stimulant, immune strength; Tantra also claims to work against general abuse of power, greed, destruction, war and violence.

Product tie-in: The Illustrated Kama Sutra, by George Pichard: $15.

Cool part: 13 hours of sex before orgasm.

Not so cool part: 13 hours of sex before orgasm.

Tonics

What it is: Perhaps the original "ancient Chinese secret," tonics include herbs, roots, and fungi that are eaten to illicit a physical response. Ginseng, St. John's Wort, and echinacea are examples of tonics used for therapy.

Where it comes from: China.

Underlying theory: Tonics imply that common problems can be positively affected by elementary medicines found in nature.

Uses: Depression, as a weapon against the aging process, high cholesterol, and cancer.

Product tie-in: Centrum Herbals Ginseng Capsules, 100mg, 36 for $13.95

Cool part: Ginseng has been used in China as a sexual energizer and stimulant for centuries.

Not so cool part: Another sexual stimulant, Cordyceps, is actually a mushroom that grows on, and is inseparable from, the living bodies of moth larvae. Mmmm.

Urine Therapy

What it is: A healing method involving application of a patient's own urine to their body by ingestion, enema, injection, as a shampoo, or through their skin.

Where it comes from: India, Egypt, and

China.

Underlying theory: Urine is an all-curing panacea given as a gift from God.

Uses: Weeping sores, lice, HIV, Chron's Disease, mononucleosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, and viral illnesses.

Product tie-in: Golden Fountain: The Complete Guide to Urine Therapy, by Coen Van Der Kroon, et al.: $18.95.

Cool part: Learn valuable survival techniques for the next time you're lost at sea.

Not so cool part: Duh.

-- D.A.S.

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