Strange bedfellows

How to avoid your
worst college roommate nightmares

by Dawn Keable

Okay, so I didn't have a lot of experience with roommates. In fact, before college, the only experience that came close was when my room doubled as a nursery after my brother was born. But at four years old, I don't think I was all that territorial about my personal space. Besides, it was only temporary -- we moved into a bigger house, complete with my own room.

That all changed in the fall of 1989, when, armed with a small slip of paper with my dorm assignment (Heathman D-308) and the names of my computer-selected roommates (Cirese and Iris) on it, I headed to the University of Rhode Island in Kingston. It was a crash course in cohabitation, and after a year, I was an expert.

It's your turn now. And to help with the transition, I've accumulated advice and experiences from others who have survived roommate boot camp. So after you put your new extra-long twin sheets on your bed and decide who gets the top bunk, maybe you should gather the troops and read this article together.

"No, I haven't tipped any cows" and other first impressions

My hometown is Pascoag, Rhode Island, a village in Burrillville. Sound like a small town? Well it is, and unfortunately, that's the only information my roommates had about me prior to our first meeting on move-in day. I found out years later that the two of them, who knew each other from high school, initially had been plotting to kick me out of the room, assuming I was a dairy maid with small-town views.

Gerry Gagne, a graduate of the University of Rochester in Rochester, New York, had the reverse experience with his freshman roommate, Jeffrey. Gerry immediately perceived Jeff as someone he wouldn't normally hang out with, especially after he realized that everything Jeff brought with him to school, including his jacket, had been labeled with white tape with his name on it. But a later argument between Jeff's parents over where Jeff's study lamp should go clued Gerry to the fact that maybe Jeff was a product of his domineering parents, and deserved a chance.

So, that's what Gerry gave him. Sure, they suffered through other trials of roommate living, such as the night before Gerry's first set of finals. (Jeff locked the door to their room and left the dorm -- with Gerry down the hall in the bathroom wearing only boxers and a T-shirt.) But by the end of the year, they were the only ones on their floor who were still friends.

The moral here: get to know someone before making a judgment based on their names, hometowns, or even their looks. College is a time to meet a wide variety of people -- start with those in your own room.

We are now officially in violation of the fire code.

I was about a month into my freshman experience when my fourth roommate arrived -- Iris's boyfriend, Tom. He was in our room so frequently, I began to wonder if he sublet his own for extra income. Tom became our nightly guest for the rest of the school year, both semesters. And while I don't recall his exhibiting any strange bedtime behavior, I know I was incredibly annoyed when he decided to call our room his "home away from home."

Maybe this was an epidemic at URI, because Lynne Kibbe had a comparable story from her freshman year. Lynne also lived in a triple, and her roommate, Leigh, had a boyfriend from home (somewhere in Rhode Island) who often drove to visit her. On one particular visit, his car broke down. But rather than having someone pick him up, or having Leigh drive him home herself (she had a car), the boyfriend lived in their room for a week. Every time Lynne came back from class, he was there alone in the room, sprawled out on Leigh's bed. I hope he at least cleaned the bathroom while he basked in their hospitality.

In another boyfriend incident, Torrey Schobel, who attended Gettysburg College in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, got kicked out of her room so much by her roommate, she decided to get even. One night, when she was actually allowed to sleep in her own bed, Torrey recorded the loud and obnoxious snoring of her roommate's overnight guest. The roommate was horrified when Torry played the tape back -- almost as horrified as Torrey was when she saw that the guy was wearing RED, tight underwear.

The lesson: make reservations for overnight guests -- and make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Sure the room is half (or a third, or a quarter) yours, but remember, that's only partial ownership.

Reading minds is not one of my hidden talents.

At URI, I remember walking back from class praying that no one would be home -- and the exhilaration of then unlocking the door and finding out that I actually did have a few blissful minutes alone! Privacy and quiet time were not easy to come by in a triple.

For Kevin Torres, who lived in a legitimate quadruple at the University of Notre Dame in Notre Dame, Indiana, one of the hardest adjustments he had to make (outside of dealing with a drunk top-bunk roommate who was sick in the middle of the night) was coping with the lack of privacy that came with college life. He went from his own room at home to living with three roommates who never left their room.

Lauren Kalien faced a similar situation at Regis College in Weston, Massachusetts. As a freshman, she was extremely concerned about keeping up her grades, so she stayed in the room a lot to study. Her roommate, Sue, often came back to their room grumpy, and Lauren had no idea why. She found out on the last day of school, via a letter that Sue had written about everything that drove her crazy about Lauren. The first thing? Lauren never left the room and never gave Sue any privacy.

The golden rule of cohabitation is communication. Let your roommate know where you're coming from and what you need. Make rules if necessary, but whatever you do, don't stop talking!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T that Aretha Franklin would be proud of

One day, my roommate Cirese's cousin came to visit. Since this was during the week, while the three of us had classes, she often stayed alone in the room -- apparently to do a little shopping. Well, this cousin and I must have had the same taste in clothing, because with her went a complete outfit of mine from the Gap. And she also must have needed some accessories to compliment my ensemble, because Iris was missing several pieces from her jewelry box.

Still, this incident seems minor compared to what happened to Ted MacGovern at Bridgewater State University in Bridgewater, Massachusetts. He had his life threatened by the football team for studying on a Saturday night, and the entire event had been instigated by his roommate, Marcus.

Marcus had been partying down the hall and had come back to their room to get something. A few minutes later, he returned again with a couple of his football buddies. They made some cracks about Ted studying on a Saturday night. Although they eventually left, they were replaced a few minutes later with a group of five more football players, which grew to ten once word of Ted's horrifying activity traveled to the party down the hall. Ted was harassed -- his books thrown to the floor -- until a football player from one of his classes showed up and convinced the rest of the group to back off.

Richard Raube, a graduate of Illinois State University in Normal, Illinois, guiltily admits to having caused unnecessary grief in the life of his roommate, Charlie. If Charlie was asleep when Richard or his buddies came back from a late night on the town, they woke him up, without even a second thought. Poor Charlie was sleep-deprived throughout his college career because of Richard.

The advice: be respectful of your roommate, their space, and their possessions. A little courtesy goes a long way.

If you're not a "ponytail kind of girl," don't try to be.

In her dorm at Providence College, Charlene Blanchette lived with what she refers to as "magazine girls," women whose interests didn't go far beyond makeup, hair, and nails. One afternoon, a member of this clique hit her with what the group considered the ultimate insult. "You're not a ponytail kind of girl," she told Charlene.

Don't worry, it couldn't have hurt Charlene too much, because she's still not sure what it means. Still, she is sure of the importance of not doubting or second-guessing yourself, especially when you are faced with people whose values are different from yours.

Andrea Savignac learned the same lesson at Wheelock College in Boston. During her freshman year, she lived with two roommates -- a Quaker and someone who desperately wanted to learn how to become one. Andrea, as the odd man out, realized the importance of being her own person -- of doing what she wanted to do, not what others thought she should do.

The parting words of wisdom: above all else, be yourself. You don't have to be friends for life with your roommates -- you just need to survive the year. But with a little tolerance and patience, you might even surprise yourself. I certainly did. I was even the maid of honor at my roommate Iris's wedding. And she must have learned a lot from our year of lessons as well -- she didn't marry Tom.