2000

A look back at the year ahead

by Chris Wright

Those who do not remember the past, said George Santayana, are condemned to repeat it.

At the same time, however, those who do not repeat the past are condemned to forget it. Those who repeat the past and forget it are simply smoking too much pot.

Who will remember the past year? Those who made a killing on the Internet, perhaps; those who fell out of hot-air balloons or had sex with Cameron Diaz. For the great majority of us, though, 1999 will go down in history as an elaborate preamble, an opening act for Y2K. And so, at the dawn of the new year, we face a historical catch-22: having quickly forgotten 1999, we will be condemned to repeat it, and having repeated it, we will be condemned to remember it. Or something. In any case, we predict that 2000 will be as utterly forgettable and repeatable as the year that preceded it. Unless, that is, Cameron Diaz comes calling. But fire and brimstone? Technological meltdown? A Spice Girls reunion?

Forget it.

January

1: The apocalypse gets off to a bad start when only two of the Four Horsemen show up, the other two insisting that the millennium doesn't start until 2001.

Hordes of disappointed pilgrims wreck the Israeli nightclub Le Mont after the top-billed act, the Second Coming, turns out to be a Christian punk band from Texas.

Here in Providence, First Night celebrations turn ugly when police move in to rouse napping revelers.

2: More millennial scares in New York, where the howling demon prophesied in the Book of Revelation is spotted in Times Square. The apparition is later identified as Celine Dion hailing a cab.

7: An unexpected Y2K glitch hits the food industry after the 99 restaurant renames itself the 00. Widespread chaos ensues as several tons of steak tips are misdelivered across southeastern New England.

8: Retro dance clubs across the country are dealt a similar blow when most CD players prove unable to play Nena's "99 Luftballons."

9: Fears of a terrorist attack on DC mount when thousands of pod-like objects are discovered hidden around the city. Panic abates when the pods are revealed to be time capsules.

18: A woman sues the City of New York after her car hits a time capsule.

27: George W. Bush's political fortunes founder when a keen-eyed reporter notices a copy of Serving as Commander-in-Chief for Dummies in his briefcase.

February

3: Anticipating further anti-WTO demonstrations, Banana Republic launches a line called Anarchy-Wear, featuring black balaclavas, Teflon vests, and merino-wool gas masks.

8: NASA sends a probe to search for its missing Mars Polar Lander. The vehicle is discovered a few miles from downtown Miami propped up on blocks, its radio gone. Red-faced officials vow to equip future expeditions with LoJack.

13: The last-ever installment of Charles M. Schulz's comic strip Peanuts hits the newsstands. In it, Charlie Brown cracks, shoots at his fellow characters with a semi-automatic, misses.

16: Frank McCourt publishes his latest memoir, Angela's Cash-In. The New York Times praises the book for its "stunningly realistic portrayal of a rich old fart living on the Upper West Side."

19: As sales of his latest album flag, Ricky Martin changes his name to the Artist Formerly Known as Ricky Martin.

March

3: An 11-year-old boy in Backwash, Michigan, is expelled from high school for writing "I hate broccoli" in his notebook. "Hate," says principal Kevin Kleg-Harpton, "is bad."

9: Spurred by Volkswagen's success in reviving the Beetle, Ford launches the New Pinto. The cute little exploding car is immediately dubbed the Y2K Bug.

10: Tina Brown attempts to boost sales of her struggling magazine Talk by offering free Pokémon cards with every issue.

15: John McCain, reacting badly to being called unstable during a press conference, kicks a reporter in the groin, bites an aide, and calls America "a country of f*#@$%g incompetents!"

16: John McCain's lead in the polls leaps to 26 points.

19: Al Gore tries to jump on the bad-temper bandwagon, calling Bill Bradley "a ninny." Bradley hits back with, "Says him."

26: Warren Beatty monopolizes the Academy Awards ceremony with a two-and-a-quarter-hour speech in which he vows that, if elected president, he will treat his first lady as an equal partner. And also his second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth ladies.

April

1: Donald Trump announces his decision to run for president. His campaign gets off to a sluggish start when most voters assume the announcement is an April Fools' joke.

5: A miffed Donald Trump re-announces his intention to run for president. Pundits dismiss the announcement as a revival of the Lithuanian tradition "Ha Ha, Donkey! Fooled You on the Fifth of the April!"

6: Following a poor showing in the primaries, Bill Bradley drops out of the presidential race. "Oh, pooh," he rages.

8: The world's first live online hemorrhoid removal goes horribly wrong. Sales of Heinie-Cams plummet.

25: Genetically altered foodstuffs come under fire yet again after a potato crushes an Idaho man, dog.

29: In business news, Amazon.com announces a merger with the Catholic Church, adopts the motto "Losing Money, Saving Souls."

May

3: In more business news, Microsoft attempts to circumvent government anti-trust laws by becoming a republic. Its first official act is to declare war on Martha Stewart.

10: Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic gives a speech in which he threatens to invade a neighboring country. George W. Bush responds by demanding additional American troops be sent into Kuwait.

17: Following a National Enquirer story that claimed Warren Beatty once had sex with a shoe, the Hollywood lothario decides not to run for president, but says he will seek a role in Gore's cabinet as "vice-president, vice anything."

19: Rage Against the Machine break up after Rolling Stone reveals that lead singer Zack de la Rocha recently bought a cappuccino machine and a juicer from Williams-Sonoma. The band re-form shortly afterwards with the name Sort of Peevish About the Machine.

22: Al Gore singles out Robin Williams for individual criticism as he blames Hollywood for the plague of "senseless sentimentality" sweeping the nation. Vows to sponsor a law making it illegal for more than two people to hug at one time.

28: Edmund Morris publishes the sequel to Dutch, his semi-fictionalized biography of Ronald Reagan. The new book, Satchmo, argues that Reagan was, in fact, a black trumpet player in the 1930s.

June

6: Saying he was inspired by Jennifer Lopez's insuring her backside for $300,000, Larry King insures his forehead for $1 million.

12: Rumors circulate that George W. Bush, lagging well behind John McCain in the primaries despite an estimated $60 million in unused campaign funds, will withdraw from the Republican nomination and launch a third-party candidacy.

13: Bush calls a press conference and announces formation of a new political entity: the Fraternity Party, with George W. Bush as official presidential candidate and social chair. Paul Cellucci appears on the stage with a pot on his head; insists on being called "Bluto."

17: Interstate wrangling over the future location of the Patriots flares up again as Massachusetts governor Paul Cellucci tells his Connecticut counterpart, John Rowland, "You can have them," to which Rowland responds, "Not."

22: Osama bin Laden discovered hiding behind a stack of New England Patriots merchandise.

26: After yet another jetliner crashes into the ocean, National Transportation Safety Board officials detect dialogue on the black box where the Canadian pilot says, "I am going to crash this airplane into a fiery ball at the bottom of the ocean floor!!!" News reporters rush to implicate the pilot in the crash, but academics caution that "I am going to crash this airplane into a fiery ball at the bottom of the ocean floor!!!" is a Canadian phrase commonly used before meals, bedtime, and even household chores.

30: Panama's ownership of the Panama Canal comes to an abrupt halt after Six Flags purchases the waterway, promising to open the world's largest water flume within two years.

July

1: Computer meltdowns, power cuts, and pitched street battles ensue as the little-known Y2K.5 bug takes hold. A "shocked" President Clinton declares a state of emergency, bogeys on ninth hole.

4: Independence Day celebrations turn sour as rampaging French potato farmers -- incensed at the nickname "fries" -- hold the nation's capital hostage.

8: A 15-year-old boy is expelled from his Illinois high school for burping in the school cafeteria.

11: Another Mars probe disappears, is later found beneath a heap of FORBES FOR PRESIDENT T-shirts.

12: John McCain attempts to soften his public image by aggressively kissing babies on the campaign trail. The ploy, however, backfires when a two-year-old Floridian dies of fright.

16: A heat wave grips the nation, killing 307, causing blackouts over much of the Midwest, and forcing President Clinton to cancel his much-anticipated Vineyard cocktail party.

19: Carrot Top's career is named the eighth wonder of the world.

20: Al Gore tries to ride the wave of Latino-mania by naming Henry Cisneros as his running mate.

21: John McCain announces that, if he is elected, members of Menudo will form the core of his cabinet.

27: Paris erupts into chaos as 4000 disgruntled French potters clash with 2000 irate pastry chefs. Bloody mayhem ensues when hundreds of livid launderers join the fracas. French newspapers call the tragedy "same old, same old."

August

3: Al Gore's efforts to appeal to younger voters backfire when his eyebrow ring becomes infected and explodes at a nationally televised town-hall meeting. Many voters respond by calling Gore too "icky" to be elected.

7: Hurricane Mungo hits the coast of Florida. Visiting a ravaged Miami, George W. Bush invokes "the awful power of the Pacific."

9: Stock market crashes after Alan Greenspan suggests "gettin' out while the gettin' is good."

12: Al Gore announces his decision to moonlight as the new host of MTV's Total Request Live.

18: Yet another Mars probe goes missing. Chagrined NASA chief promises to address the problem as soon as he finds his glasses.

26: The day after photographs appear of a weeping John McCain hugging the Washington Monument, the presidential hopeful denies having mental problems, quipping with reporters and shouting, "Die, scumsuckers!"

30: Michael Jackson performs at Madison Square Garden minus his nose. The King of Pop subsequently denies having had plastic surgery, chastising the media for "nbreading falfe nwumerth."

September

3: In New York, Rudolph Giuliani's campaign for the US Senate hits a rut when he suggests arresting the entire Lower East Side. Hillary Clinton fails to exploit her advantage, however, when she asks a reporter, "Where's the Lower East Slide?"

6: Nose removal replaces eyebrow piercing as the hot cosmetic trend among 16-to-24-year-olds. Michael Jackson flies to the top of the charts and wins a Grammy for his album Mwithunnursthood.

8: Inspired by Gary Coleman and Drew Barrymore's successes selling personal items online, Britney Spears puts a collection of used Q-tips on the block. Bids reach $15,000 in the first day.

11: Al Gore has his nose removed.

18: George W. Bush gives a press conference to explain his decision to have his nose removed. Reporters are stunned when the presidential hopeful shows up missing an ear.

20: Cell-phone manufacturers rethink their "small is better" policy after a Brown senior chokes to death on her Nokia at a local nightclub.

24: Edmund Morris publishes his biography of Bill Clinton, Clint, to withering reviews. "Are we really to believe that Clinton seduced his paunchy biographer in the West Wing?" asks the New York Times.

October

2: Bill Clinton calls his role in bringing peace to the Middle East and Northern Ireland his "lasting legacy"; denies having had anything to do with the PLO declaring war on the IRA.

5: The European Union is thrown into turmoil when a platoon of German troops is discovered sneaking through the Argonne. German officials insist the troops were simply "looking for mushrooms." France promptly surrenders.

6: In Paris, livid French mushroom farmers go on the rampage.

9: Ricky Martin files for Chapter 11 and releases the single "Livin' la Vida Broka."

16: The long-awaited sequel to The Blair Witch Project opens in New York. A week after its release, The John McCain Project is yanked from theaters for being "too scary."

18: Texas puts the Taco Bell Chihuahua to death after it nips George W. Bush on a campaign pit stop. Animal-rights observers attending the execution express disapproval at the use of an electric chair on a dog, horror at the resulting fire, and utter disgust at the lingering smell of chalupas in the execution chamber.

21: The Rhode Island State Lottery issues a new $20 scratch ticket, "Dumbass Suckas!" Though lottery officials admit the ticket has zero payout, the tickets sell out in the first day. "Hey, you never know," says Ted Clagg of East Providence.

24: The wave of celebrities insuring body parts reaches absurd new heights when Monica Lewinsky insures her throat for an unprecedented $3 million.

28: At a New York press conference, TLC's Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes lashes out at the media for calling her violent and unpredictable. Seventeen reporters are injured in the mêlée.

November

7: John McCain is elected president, beating out Democrat Al Gore by 43 votes. Billy Graham to conduct President McCain's combined swearing-in ceremony/ exorcism.

8: Bill Clinton decides to leave the White House and move to Hollywood. He forges a lifelong friendship with Kiefer Sutherland, develops a taste for decaf lattes, and begins work on his screenplay, Shag the Dog.

11: Rudolph Giuliani, recently elected US senator from New York, declares a crackdown on what he calls the state's "pat problem." Vows to make New York "cow free" within three years.

15: A defeated Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, announces her decision to run for mayor of El Campo, Texas. "I feel a real affinity with the Gold Star State," she tells reporters.

18: The world mourns when UN Secretary General Kofi Annan is struck and killed by a stray time capsule.

28: Susan Faludi publishes the follow-up to her male apologia Stiffed. Her new book, Shafted, argues that being contrary about controversial subjects is a great way to get book deals.

December

5: World's first postmodern ice show hits the Civic Center. Toy Story on Ice on Ice fails to capture the public's imagination, closes after first day.

11: John McCain returns from his first official overseas visit, insists that "great strides" are being made in US-Transylvania relations.

14: Christmas shoppers shrug off news of the impending end of the world. Retail outlets report a bumper year. Sales of Grim Reaper Beanie Babies hit the 10 million mark.

19: In a daring move, George W. Bush, after announcing his Fraternity Party candidacy for 2004, has his mouth removed.

2: Talk magazine runs an exclusive interview with the pope. Speaking from a bomb shelter at an undisclosed location in the South Pacific, the pope dismisses rumors about the impending apocalypse as "idle speculation," adding, "I'll bet my 10-year supply of canned tuna on it."

31: Flashes of lightning, peals of thunder, earthquakes, and heavy hail occur the world over. New England weather, meanwhile, remains unseasonably mild.

John McCain gives a press conference on the White House lawn. Reporters are shocked to note that the president-elect has "10 horns and seven heads." Rose Garden is rent asunder, spews brimstone. McCain's approval rating soars.

Chris Wright can be reached at cwright[a]phx.com.