BY CLIF GARBODEN

THURSDAY 24

9:00 am [10, 12] THANKSGIVING DAY PARADES | Taking it to the streets. Plus the lamest commentary on earth. | Until noon.

12:30 [64] FOOTBALL | The Atlanta Falcons versus the Detroit Lions.

4:00 [12] FOOTBALL | The Denver Broncos versus the Dallas Cowboys.

5:00 [44] ANDRÉ RIEU: THE CHRISTMAS I LOVE | Another hateful thing. Let’s talk about the causes of holiday suicides. To be repeated, but don’t worry about it. | Until 7 p.m.

FRIDAY 25

Noon [6] FOOTBALL | Texas versus Texas A&M.

2:30 [12] FOOTBALL | Arkansas versus LSU.

3:30 [6] FOOTBALL | Nebraska versus Colorado.

8:00 [64] STAR WARS EPISODE 2: ATTACK OF THE CLONES | movie | Romance and a secret clone army. That’s all you need to know and about all you’ll remember from this 2002 George Lucas effort. With Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Christopher Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, and the voice of Frank "Yoda" Oz. | Until 11 pm

SATURDAY 26

1:00 [12] FOOTBALL | Army versus Navy.

3:30 [12] FOOTBALL | Florida State versus Florida.

3:30 [6] FOOTBALL | Georgia versus Georgia Tech? Miami versus Virginia? Syracuse versus Louisville?

4:00 [2] HAPPY HOLIDAYS: THE BEST OF THE ANDY WILLIAMS CHRISTMAS SHOW | Andy Williams was the thinking man’s crooner. He had the Muppets on his variety show before the world was ready to understand them. He showcased some lame people like the Osmonds, but he also hung with Jonathan Winters and Irwin Corey. Anyway, throughout the 1960s he did sentimental Christmas shows, and here’s an anthology of highlights. Yes, the Osmonds will be involved. Singing "Silver Bells," no less. | Until 5:30 pm

5:00 [44] ONCE UPON A SLEIGH RIDE | Dick Cavett narrates a very nice bio-doc about mainstream/oddball light-concert composer Leroy Anderson, who gave us "Sleigh Ride," "The Syncopated Clock," and "The Typewriter Song" and was also director of the Harvard University marching band. Nice guy; nice show. Merry Christmas. To be repeated on Monday at 7:30 pm. | Until 8 pm

5:30 [2] THE BRIAN SETZER ORCHESTRA CHRISTMAS EXTRAVAGANZA | Here’s one we didn’t see coming. Stray Cat Setzer does selections from The Nutcracker! Yes, really. Plus "Boogie-Woogie Santa Claus" and "Dig That Crazy Santa Claus." And more, but isn’t that enough? To be repeated on Wednesday at 7:30 on Channel 44. | Until 7 pm

7:00 [2] JIM BRICKMAN AT THE MAGIC KINGDOM: THE DISNEY SONGBOOK | Hype for Disney’s Magic Kingdom in Orlando, where this concert was taped. Pianist Brickman plays hits from Walt’s films with help from Michael Bolton, Linda Eder, Lila McCann, Anne Cochran, and Tracy Silverman. We know, to our misfortune, who Michael Bolton is. The others are new to us. So we Googled them. We still don’t know who they are. Further proof that there’s a musical world out there that can’t be seen from our planet. | Until 8:30 pm

8:00 [6] FOOTBALL | Notre Dame versus Stanford.

SUNDAY 27

1:00 [12] FOOTBALL | The Pats versus the Kansas City Chiefs.

1:00 [64] FOOTBALL | The Carolina Panthers versus the Buffalo Bills.

4:00 [64] FOOTBALL | The Green Bay Packers versus the Philadelphia Eagles.

8:00 [2] ANDRÉ RIEU: LIVE IN TUSCANY | Okay, hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving, now let’s rant! What would television be without PBS? A lot of Law & Orders and a lot of CSIs, a lot of really lame sit-coms and two funny ones (My Name Is Earl and The OfÞce), a zillion loud and annoying ads for Japanese cars, and sports. (TV news no longer counts . . . for anything.) Now as much as we waste our own time with all the Bruckheimer productions and such, we usually don’t dwell on those in this column because we assume those shows can take care of themselves. What needs to be promoted are the BattleÞeld Britains and Globe Trekkers and Frontlines and the like that come to us via Channels 2 and 44. We like PBS. We bend over backward to forgive it for obnoxious fundraising tactics. But this year it’s gone too far. Once and for all, guys: André Rieu sucks. He’s a lightweight musical fraud. A silly showboat calculated to impress audiences who couldn’t distinguish the prelude to act three of Lohengrin from "Pop Goes the Weasel." He traffics in pretend classical concerts for people who like to think they appreciate serious music but can never remember any. He’s got no soul, dammit! No soul. And he’s forever on public television. Why? We ask you: why?! Are we fundraising again? Or have we just taken an early and extended Christmas vacation? There’s nothing on tonight. Or for the rest of the week, really. Want to know what’s on tonight? We’ll tell you what’s on tonight. On Channel 2 starting at 8 pm we have this André Rieu shit. Then at 10, it’s a repeat of the Brian Setzer Christmas concert. And then at 11:30 pm, it’s anybody’s guess because the program-schedule writers have fallen back on the catch-all say-nothing program notation "Viewer Favorites." Over on 44? Over there, André starts his Tuscan nonsense at 5 pm. Jim Brickman repeats his Disney promotional concert at 7 pm. And then it’s on to "Viewer Favorites" at 8:30 pm. If you want to stay up till 4 am, you can see one of the worst Masterpiece Theatre productions ever aired, Pollyanna. This is why we rant. Thank you for your patience. | Until they wise up.

9:00 [12] SILVER BELLS | movie | Tate Donovan stars as a Canadian Christmas-tree salesman who’s in New York to peddle firs and locate his missing son. Anne Heche stars as a New York widow who shares his holiday and most likely finds his son. Another heartwarmer. | Until 11 pm

MONDAY 28

7:30 [2] DR. WAYNE DYER: THE POWER OF INTENTION | Did we say we were done? According to the promo materials, this bottle of snake oil is based on Dr. Dyer’s "new definition of the concept of ‘intention’ and a new method to connect to one’s infinite potential." To this we say, "Leave us alone, asshole!" And take the rest of tonight’s programming with you. This crap fills WGBH’s prime time. Over on UHF sister WGBX, we have a repeat of the Leroy Anderson bio-doc Once Upon a Sleigh Ride at 7:30 pm. If you haven’t seen it, that’s not bad. But at 9 pm, Channel 44 offers us that idiot André Rieu in a concert called The Christmas I Love. André, have a nice Christmas. Laugh all the way to the bank and buy the missus something swell. But get out of our face with your goddamn messy hair and your abused fiddle. | Until sometime later.

9:00 [6] FOOTBALL | The Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Indianapolis Colts. This at least should be good.

TUESDAY 29

10:00 [6] BARBARA WALTERS: THE 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2005 | Rumor has it that Condo Rice, Tom Cruise, and Michael Jackson are on the list. We’re nodding off already.| Until 11 pm

WEDNESDAY 30

8:00 [2] ANDRÉ RIEU: THE FLYING DUTCHMAN | We think we’ve said enough about this already. | Until 10 pm

8:00 [10] CHRISTMAS IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER | The annual song fest from Manhattan. As of press time, NBC was being coy about revealing this year’s performers. | Until 9 pm

4:00 AM [2] GREAT PERFORMANCES: CREAM REUNION CONCERT | Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce, and Ginger Baker bring the sunshine of their love back to London’s Royal Albert Hall, the venue where Cream played their finale show in 1968 after only three years of heading the psychedelic-blues revolution. For those who need their sleep, this will be repeated on Thursday at 9 pm. | Until 5:30 am

THURSDAY 1

8:00 [6] HAVE NO FEAR: THE LIFE OF POPE JOHN PAUL II | movie | Thomas Kretschmann (Captain Englehorn in Peter Jackson’s King Kong) stars as Karol "Lolek" Wojtyla a/k/a Pope JP2 in this spiritual and historically pretty accurate bio-pic. | Until 10 pm

9:00 [2] GREAT PERFORMANCES: CREAM REUNION CONCERT | The best news we’ve had all week. See Wednesday at 4 am for details. The set where Clapton jams with André Rieu is unforgettable. | Until 11 pm