ELIZABETHTOWN BY PETER KEOUGH

123 MINUTES | APPLE VALLEY + ENTERTAINMENT + FLAGSHIP + HARBOUR MALL + HOLIDAY + PROVIDENCE PLACE 16 + SHOWCASE

Drew (Orlando Bloom) has designed a shoe that has lost nearly a billion dollars for a Nike-like corporation. Cameron Crowe’s new film isn’t as big a stinker as that, but it does take your breath away. Applying a workable premise that his idol Billy Wilder (whose Roman Holiday peeks out from a TV screen) might have crafted into a romantic-comedy gem, Crowe instead spews forth a self-indulgent farrago.

Compounding Drew’s grief is the sudden death of his father. He must travel to the bohunk Kentucky town of the title to claim the body from Dad’s bumpkin family. Along the way, he meets Claire (Kirsten Dunst), an inescapably cheerful airline stewardess who you know in the end will make everything right. Until then, Crowe offers up the world’s longest romantic-bliss montage via cell phone, the long version of "Free Bird" (he’s making fun of it, but he also kind of likes it), and a cross-country tour backed with an inspiring soundtrack. Long before he reaches Oklahoma, you can hear the other shoe drop on Crowe’s career.