THE LONGEST YARD By Peter Keough

Robert Aldrich’s 1974 The Longest Yard depicted society as a Nixonian prison camp tyrannized by a ruthless warden and his sadistic guards; Aldrich’s hero, Paul Crewe (Burt Reynolds), was a former pro quarterback who resisted the oppressors with stoicism, integrity, and cool. Peter Segal’s 2005 version depicts society as a sit-com Abu Ghraib dominated by homosexual panic, terror of women, and profound racial anxiety. His Paul Crewe (Adam Sandler) resists through buffoonery, masochism, and catatonia.

Everything you need to know about this movie takes place in the first 10 minutes. Paul has been reduced to a boy toy for a top-heavy termagant, a fag hag who’s furious he won’t don a sailor suit and entertain the screaming queens partying downstairs. Paul locks her in a closet, steals her car, and ends up in a federal pen. (It seems he’s violated his "parole" after being indicted but not convicted for point shaving; the legal consultant for this movie must have been Alberto Gonzales.) There, the evil warden (accompanied by an obese, Tennessee Williams–like adviser) coerces him into putting together an all-con team to play the guards in a fixed game. If Segal & Sandler’s The Waterboy was too highbrow for you, this is your movie. The good news is that Chris Rock is on hand to put a black face on all the ugly racist humor. And Burt is back, too, recalling perhaps the good old days of Cannonball II if not The Longest Yard. (114 minutes) At the Apple Valley, Entertainment, Flagship, Harbour Mall, Opera House, Providence Place 16, Showcase, and Tri-Boro cinemas.