Milking the cow

I’m a married guy with a good job, a wonderful kid, and my wife’s a good lady. The problem? Sex. She rarely wants/needs it, and when I can get her in the mood it’s the same old, dull routine. Same position, I do all the work — she won’t even touch my dick! — and it’s over in 15 minutes.

I’ve tried to talk about it with her, even counseling, but she’s very defensive. She claims that I am treating her as an "object." She also claims she got adventure out of her system years ago. How nice for her. I never got enough. Never had a blowjob, never had intercourse in any position but missionary. I’m frustrated, angry, and desperate. I never wanted to cheat, but this has gone on for years and things just aren’t going to change.

Now — act surprised! — there’s an opportunity. This other woman is sexy, smart, and adventurous, and she has a very healthy libido. I want her, she wants me. The problem? She’s going to be leaving soon for a job in a new area. Part of me wants to go with her, but it would mean leaving my child. I should also mention that this temptress has gotten herself into trouble in the past. No arrests, but there’s a chance of past misdeeds or unstable old boyfriends coming back to haunt her.

I don’t want my child hating me forever, but I also want to be happy. What should I do?

_Wondering If Love/Lust Is Enough

I get letters every damn day from frustrated, desperate men and women who are married to people who are no longer — or were never — interested in sex. Sadly, most people in WILLIE’s shoes only write to me after they’ve spent years enduring, begging, pleading, and cajoling. They write in after they’re married, after they’ve had kids, after they’ve started affairs — in short, they write when it’s way too damn late.

In some instances there may be mitigating circumstances, i.e., there may be a very good reason why a particular husband or wife is no longer interested in sex. For all we know WILLIE doesn’t bathe or only speaks civilly to his wife when he wants sex. But it’s not always the fault of the cut-off spouse. It’s a well-known fact that there are people out there who simply aren’t interested in sex and, judging from the mail, a whole lot of them married people who are.

It needs to be said that depriving a spouse of sex — or subjecting them to absolutely joyless sex in the hope that they’ll stop asking for any at all — is an act of emotional violence. And this brand of emotional violence not only creates frustration, anger, and desperation, it inevitably leads to infidelity, which all too often leads to divorce, broken homes, and traumatized children.

And who gets the blame?

The spouse who cheated, of course! Didja hear? WILLIE — a man with a wife and a child at home! — ran off with another woman!

To all those folks out there who aren’t interested in sex: getting married — or civilly united or shacking up or whatever — is like buying a cow. You know going in that you’re going to have to milk the thing. But unlike an unmilked cow, a spouse — male or female — won’t just stand there in a field and suffer. A spouse is a cow with a credit card, a job, and a car. If you don’t milk the cow you married, your cow has the means to go out and find someone who will. If you’re fine with that, for God’s sake tell your cow. If you lose interest in sex but want to stay married for the kids, friendship, or financial security, apologize to your cow and tell ’em you’ll do them the courtesy of turning a blind eye if they’ll do you the courtesy of being milked discreetly elsewhere.

Okay, so what should you do?

WILLIE, if you’re going to leave your wife — and in your blowjob-less state, who could blame you (besides everyone) — the least you can do for your kid is stay in town. This other woman — the one with the potential legal problems and bad taste in ex-boyfriends — isn’t the only other woman on earth. Leave your wife, find someone local, get your dick sucked.

ASKING & TELLING: Advice poured in for In Love Yet Afraid, the gay soldier who wanted to know what to do about his crush on a fellow soldier. Read what soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines had to say to ILYA by going to http://www.thestranger.com/savage/youasked.