Hole-y Night

Lest I be accused of waging a war on Christmas by the pro-Christmas lobby — oh, whatever would I do if the all-powerful puckerbutts at the American Family Association called for a boycott of Savage Love? — I’m presenting a heartwarming selection of how-I-lost-my-virginity horror stories submitted by my readers.

What do these stories have to do with Christmas? Well, wasn’t Jesus Christ responsible for the most traumatic how-I-lost-my-virginity horror story ever told? Not his deflowering, I mean his mother’s. As everyone knows, Mary was a virgin when she conceived and a virgin when she gave birth. This means, of course, that Jesus busted his own mom’s hymen, kicking it down like a door on his way into the world. And you thought your first time was traumatic!

I got my cherry popped when I was 15 years old, by a 22-year-old man. We were making out on a reclining plastic pool chair. When I told him I wanted to do it, he hopped right in. The initial pain gave way to a feeling of pressure "down there." I naively thought that maybe if I let my body release this pressure, I would get my big "O." I let go of the pressure … and immediately started peeing. It flowed through the chair’s slats and hit the concrete beneath us in a steady stream. Try stopping your flow of urine while you are being pumped. You can’t. I died a million deaths while he finished. When it was over, I asked him how he felt about being my first. "Well, sleeping with a virgin is kind of a pain in the ass," he said, quickly followed by, "Did you pee?"

_Pool Party Girl

Four years ago I lost it in a boy-girl-boy three-way on a cruise ship. The girl was 16, the other boy was 17, and I was 15, gay and closeted. In the girl’s parents’ cabin, the other boy fucked the girl first. When it was my turn the girl noticed that I was staring at the other guy while I was fucking her. "Are you gay?" she suddenly asked. I was so shocked that I couldn’t say anything. Then she started screaming, "Oh my God, you are! You gave me AIDS!" She pushed me off, the other boy jumped up, pulled on his shorts, and then punched me in the face for looking at him. Then he made me wash my dick, which had his come on it, because he didn’t want me "tasting his sperm" after they threw me out. The best part? This happened on the first night and I was trapped on the ship with them for another week. Oh, and I had to make up a story for my parents about how I fell and broke my nose on the Fiesta Deck.

_My Crooked Nose Looks Sexy

My boyfriend and I decided to consummate our relationship. Everything started okay, until I was hit with a blinding pain. I crawled to the bathroom where the pain caused me to start puking. He asked what was wrong, and I told him to get the fuck out of my house. I called my mom at work. She explained that the first time hurts and thanked me for sharing. In between hurling, I said that this couldn’t be normal. She told me to get to a hospital. My boyfriend came back and carried me to the car. After having every resident in the ER stick his hand up me and having two orderlies hold my knees apart so they could stick what looked like a dildo in me for an ultrasound, they determined that the sex had caused a cyst on my ovary to rupture. The doctors thanked me for making them part of my first time. I was too doped up to say go fuck yourselves. Do I win?

_First Time Not All That

No, FTNAT, you don’t win. Mary Mother of God wins — but I’d say you come in a damn-close second, with MCNLS a close third.

Readers who want more virginity horror stories can find them at http://www.thestranger.com/savage/vhs. Readers who want to know more about the war on Christmas can read all about it at http://www.fuckchristmas.org/. And, as many readers wrote in to point out, by the time last week’s column came out, Ford reversed itself. Like Kraft, the car company told the gay haters at the American Family Association where to stick their boycott, and announced that they would continue to advertise in gay publications and sponsor gay events. A very nice Christmas gift to us all.