Sex appeals

My wife and I were married straight out of college. At the time I knew she suffered from a potentially debilitating mental disorder, so I came into the relationship with my eyes fully open. Since then, nine years and two children have followed. About two years ago her disorder began to get worse. Suicidal ideation, hallucinations, delusions, and the like. Her psychiatrist put her on a new medication that for the most part has eliminated her symptoms. She has gotten her life under control and is doing much better. But here’s my problem, and I feel extremely selfish for this: One of the side effects of the medication is a complete loss of interest in sex. She is still loving and affectionate, but her libido is nonexistent. We have discussed this many times, and argued about it. Over the past six months we have reached a tacit agreement: I don’t ask, and she doesn’t pretend. I am 32 years old and married to my best friend who wants nothing to do with me sexually.

Divorce is not an option. My children are my life. In addition, my wife needs me — and I take the "for better or worse" part seriously. More importantly, I love her. In short, I am looking at forgoing sex for the rest of my life. I am successful, intelligent, ambitious, kind, and better than average in the looks department. I am flirted with frequently in my daily life, and I find myself increasingly desperate for even a small taste of sexual intimacy. What am I to do?

_Desperately Seeking Anything

You’re to fuck other people, DSA.

You write that you take the "for better or worse" part seriously, and that’s admirable. I fully support your decision to remain in your marriage, stand by your wife, and be there for your kids. They all need you, and they all need you at home. But that "for better or worse" stuff? It doesn’t just apply to you, DSA, it also applies to your wife.

So, yeah, it sucks to be married to someone who, as the result of a necessary medical intervention, is completely uninterested in sex. That definitely falls into the "worse" column. Likewise, it sucks to be married to a man who, to preserve his own sanity, occasionally has sex with other women. That falls into the "worse" column, too. But you have needs that have to be met, DSA, and meeting them isn’t just about satisfying your need for sexual intimacy. You’re feeling "increasingly desperate" about the prospect of "forgoing sex for the rest of [your] life." If you don’t find a nice woman you can be sexual with — perhaps someone in a similar circumstance? — your desperation will eventually reach an emotional crescendo and you will sabotage your marriage. So do the right thing and fuck other people.

Yeah, yeah: adultery is wrong. But when you consider the damage that divorce would do to your wife and kids, a little adultery is the lesser evil. So don’t ask and don’t tell and don’t get caught, DSA — although you might want to say something to your wife now, something you can remind her of if you do get caught, something along the lines of, "I’m not going to pressure you about sex anymore, but you have to know that if and when opportunity presents itself, I don’t think I’ll be able to help myself." You’ve resigned yourself to living with this "worse"; it is not too much to ask your wife to resign herself to the probability that you will, at some point, fuck someone else.

About a year ago I moved abroad to be with my boyfriend. Now we don’t have sex anymore! I confronted my partner about this and he admitted he is having impotency issues. He is 35 and drinks and smokes a lot and has a stressful job, and I think these are the reasons for our lackluster love life. How serious is this? I don’t think I can survive without sex. He is eight years older than me and claims that sex is no longer important to him. Does he not love me anymore?

_Between a Rock and an Unhard Place

How serious is this problem? Deadly serious, I should think, since you say you "can’t survive" without sex and he’s apparently not willing to make any effort or changes (drinking and smoking "a lot" can impede a man’s ability to get it up), just excuses. Does he not love you anymore? Dunno, BARAAUP, but he clearly doesn’t love you enough to take your unhappiness at the current state of your love life seriously. DTMFA.

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