Asexual revolution

How can I tell if I’m asexual? Is it a legitimate orientation or am I just a seething ball of neuroses?

Sex does nothing for me. I can’t orgasm (even when I attempt masturbation), so my husband doesn’t go there. That’s fine by me. I HATE my people-parts; I find them utterly icky. At any rate, I apparently perform good fellatio, so the no-intercourse thing isn’t such an issue. My marriage seems fine; we laugh and share the same lefty values and cuddle on the couch. When he has needs he fondles my breasts and nuzzles me; this indicates "go down on me now, please." So I do. However, I feel nothing.

Is that normal? I’m well-adjusted otherwise, a productive member of society and all that. I am cheerful, good-humored, and pretty, too. Are some people simply not wired to be into sex? I’m certainly into love. I feel very passionate about my husband and my friends, but it’s completely cerebral. If it’s of any use, I’m 31 and I dislike pooping, too.

Basically: Am I fucked up? Is it okay to not be sexual? Should my sorry butt be in therapy?

Insert Name Here

After the results of a study on asexuality were published in the Journal of Sex Research in August 2004, a new sexual minority group began taking its turn up on the wicked stage. Everyone from the BBC to Salon to the New Scientist weighed in on the one percent of the population that, according to UK researchers, "had never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all."

Reading your letter, INH, I didn’t sense indifference, just disgust — with people-parts, with pooping, with blow jobs. There’s asexuality and then there’s being repulsed by sex, also known as "sexual aversion disorder." So, yeah, I would describe you as fucked-up and order you to get your sorry butt into therapy.

The go-to guy for quotes and insights into asexuality is David Jay, a 23-year-old asexual from St. Louis, Missouri, and the founder of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (http://www.asexuality.org/).

"Show me anyone, sexual or asexual, who isn’t in some way fucked-up and I’ll gag," says Jay. "The question she should be asking herself is not, ‘Am I fucked up?’ but, ‘Do I need sex to be happy?’ "

If you conclude that sex just isn’t for you, Jay would advise you to take stock of your situation from a nonsexual standpoint. "Instead of focusing your energy on worrying about sex (which up to now has been nothing but boring), focus on further exploring the things that you actually find pleasurable."

And your husband’s needs?

"I wouldn’t be that worried about your husband," Jay says. "If he had some overwhelming need to have more sex, he probably would have mentioned it by now."

Hmm, I respectfully dissent. While it’s possible that your husband is content with the odd perfunctory blow job, it’s more likely that he doesn’t press the matter because he loves you. But he probably misses women’s people-parts, INH, and one day the opportunity to fuck the shit out of another woman’s people-parts is going to present itself and he’ll seize it. And this, I think, will be the ultimate test of your asexual cred. If you don’t think sex is important, then it shouldn’t matter to you if your husband does this hugely unimportant thing with someone else every once in a while.

Kudos to you for your love of the Dresden Dolls. But check them out live if you get the chance! There’s nothing more enjoyable than hearing the lyrics in "Coin-Operated Boy" change from "I can even take him in the bath" to "I can even fuck him in the ass" during the live show. Brilliant!

Corey

Thanks for the heads-up, Corey, but I discovered that the Dresden Dolls change "I can even take him in the bath" to "I can even fuck him in the ass" during their live shows all on my own. I love them so much I bought their live CD, which I took home and listened to while my seven-year-old son was in the room. This resulted in me having to explain to him what "fuck him in the ass" meant 18 years earlier than I had planned. (Where’s Tipper Gore when you need her?)

Dan Savage’s new book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family, goes on sale September 22.