Tough time for Cheney The Veep is being punished for his misdeeds

If the national media give attention to the totally demented ravings of the Christian Coalition’s ludicrous God-botherer Pat Robertson — most recently about Ariel Sharon — the Associated Press should pick up this following news.

The hand of Allah and other non-Christian gods have doubtless wrought the recent heart and foot problems of Dick "Big Time" Cheney, because of his advocacy of war and torture, and total disregard for the Constitution. Not to mention Big Time’s serial lying about the Dubya administration’s nefarious misdeeds. After speaking with our large collection of Mississippi mud voodoo dolls (merci, Reverend Zombie’s House of Voodoo in New Orleans), the higher gris-gris powers inform us that the next time Dick trots out his usual bullshit on Meet the Press, his already black, shriveled heart will seize up like a shark’s jaw, and he’ll be tipping his hat to Old Nick shortly afterwards. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, Big Time.

THERE, THERE

It’s time for a handful of Valiums, hot tea with Crown Royal and lemon, and a bit of a lie-down for those members of RI’s Italian community who have their Armani knickers in a twist over the supposed Italian-bashing of Samuel Alito. Many Italo-Americans took out a full-page ad in the Urinal this week to ask Senators Linc Chafee and Jack Reed to help stop the supposed attacks on those with roots in Italia. The catalyst seems to be an Oliphant cartoon, run by the BeloJo, which appeared to some to portray Alito and the loathsome Antonin Scalia as mobsters.

Yes, it is overreaction time on Federal Hill. P&J offer this word of wisdom: Basta! There is no state with more pride in its wonderful Italian heritage. OK, the Vo Dilun motto is "Mobsters and Lobsters," but in the heyday of Raymond L.S. Patriarca’s Mafia — oops, sorry, John Cicilline, we know there’s no Mafia — the East Side elites took kind of a perverse pleasure in knowing we were home to such illicit dealings. Just don’t do it over here, thank you very much. The Italian-American community could point in turn to the local intellectual cachet of Brown and RISD, where many of their sons and daughters were sent with pride. (Step up, the Herb DeSimones, to give just one example.)

P&J love how we have such a strongly transplanted culture from Italy, and greatly admire and respect the contributions of immigrants. So calm down, respect yourselves for all you have given, and relax. And stop talking with your hands.

DAY-O, DUBYA!

Quite a surprise at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, no doubt, when UNICEF goodwill ambassador Harry Belafonte called Dubya Bush the "greatest tyrant" and "greatest terrorist in the world" during a visit with Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez. Dubya will never see this or hear about it, of course, since the Boy in the Bubble’s handlers don’t allow such nasty remarks to intrude on his delusional worldview. Daylight come and we wan go home.

OUR FAVORITE CANDIDATE

P&J certainly expect fireworks in the Chafee/Laffey Republican primary contest for US Senate, and chances are that the Whitehouse/Brown race on the Democratic side is heading in the same direction. But, while those races will be getting much of the attention, true aficionados of entertainment politics will be glued to the multiple campaigns of Christopher Young, candidate for everything, winner of none.

Some will recall Young’s Providence mayoral run back in 2002, when, in mid-tirade, he upset a table on the lip of the stage during a candidates’ forum at the auditorium at URI’s Shepard Building, and nearly injured a few nearby members of the audience.

Although a new state law bars individuals from running for more than one seat at a time, Young is challenging the law, having declared his candidacy for US Senate, lieutenant governor, and mayor of Providence. Since Young legally resides in Narragansett, the race for mayor of Providence seems particularly interesting. Perhaps he should announce for governor of Nebraska, too. It can’t hurt with this sort of campaign strategy.

In a recent interview given to the Cranston Herald, Young shed a bit of light onto his unique perspective on the state of the state. He said Rhode Island has problems running fair elections, and that running for three seats will make it more difficult for the Mafia to rig the results. He told the Herald that the new law to bar multiple election candidacies "obviously has to be specifically targeted against me because it is harder for the Mafia to fix two elections than it is to fix one."

One of Young’s main campaign pledges (in his Senate run) is demanding that the government investigate the "video evidence" of how one of the planes that flew into the World Trade Towers on 9/11 had a missile in its fuselage. When Young invited the Herald to reprint images of the plane that are available on his Web site, the Herald declined because the photos were copyrighted by CNN. Young suggested that the Herald would probably refuse to print the images because it is part of the "media conspiracy to undermine his campaign." He later acknowledged that he understood the copyright issue, but offered further proof of the media conspiracy against him, noting that the local television stations neglected to put him on the air when he recently appeared at a PUC demonstration.

Conspiracy fans, rejoice! Christopher Young is running for something.

A FEW QUESTIONS

The many friends of Bailey O. Leonard Fritzmeier were shocked and heartbroken when the greatly loved young woman was struck by a car on Atwells Avenue and killed after leaving Lili Marlene’s in the early hours of December 26. Although P&J were not acquainted with Ms. Fritzmeier, we do know many of her friends, and we have heard many stories about her kindness and generosity.

Since the accident, P&J have heard from two people who offer a different story from what has been has been reported so far. We hope that the state police investigation will answer the related questions, including whether there were eyewitnesses and whether it was raining or foggy at the time of the accident.

SOLUTIONS, ANYONE?

The AS220 StinkTank (Umberto Crenca, J Hogue, Matt Obert, Kate Maxwell, Rachel Pleasants, Tom Sgouros) and the House of Unrepresentatives (this could be you!) are presenting a unique series of discussions on "What You Won’t Hear From Elected Officials, but Should" one Wednesday a month at 5:30 pm at AS220, 115 Empire Street, Providence.

Spurred by the critical affordable housing shortage, among other woes, the idea of the forums is to discuss policy proposals that ought to be in the legislature, but aren’t, with a panel of citizens who ought to be in the Legislature, but aren’t.

On January 18, education spending will be taken up, along with the question of adequacy, and the responsibilities of the state, cities, and unions. On February 15, the discussion will center on tax reform/property taxes. In March, the topic will be universal health-care. In classic AS220 fashion, these discussions promise to be creative and freewheeling. These forums are for those who wonder why the "powers that be" never touch on the real nerve centers of our problems. Check these out.

Send the Singularity and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.