WMDs found! US forces’ white phosphorous qualifies as a weapon

Hey, let’s lay off Dubya and his lying minions for a bit, because we have finally found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

The only problem — small point — is that they belong to us.

Yes, it appears that US intelligence (pardon the oxymoron) has classified the white phosphorous we have been using in our invasion of Saddamland as a "chemical weapon," according to the Independent, a newspaper in the UK. (This, of course, while the US media continues to need a drink, courtesy of P&J, to get the taste of Dubya and Big Time Cheney’s dicks out of their mouths.)

According to a report on the US Department of Defense Web site, "In late February 1991, an intelligence source reported, during the Iraqi crackdown on the Kurdish uprising that followed the coalition victory against Iraq, ‘Iraqi forces loyal to President Saddam may have possibly used white phosphorous chemical weapons against Kurdish rebels and the populace in Erbil and Dohuk. The WP chemical was delivered by artillery rounds and helicopter gunships.’ " And now we are again using it against those pesky "collateral" damaged Iraqi civilians. Hey, torture, "black sites," chemical weapons, detention without rights, who’s keeping count?

This little twist is no more hypocritical than when the US supplied Iraq with the deadly gas used by Saddam against Kurdish rebels back in the 1980s, with the "return if not fully satisfied" warranty from our own government. That was back when Rummy Rumsfeld was patting Saddam on the ass, smiling and joking with him in public, because he was giving Iran hell at our request. Why aren’t those photos trotted out more often now that Rumsfeld’s ship is listing so badly? Oh, we forgot. Most of America’s media outlets have no guts or respect for the truth. Bring on Rockette Campbell Brown and walking hairdo Brian Williams to make sure we don’t see or hear about that. House fire and impending snow at 11!

Yes, boys and girls, thanks to Dubya and his zealous ass-kissers ("No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" — courtesy Monty Python), the US now qualifies as a rogue nation that observes a diminishing number of international treaties, from global warming to the Geneva Convention. Sleep tight this holiday season, knowing that Boy George’s neo-fascist administration has made us one of the most brutal of modern governments. And you voted for this gutless twerp, folks. Congratulations.

DEFENDING TORTURE

Well, let’s face it: there is no defending torture. But that hasn’t stopped the Bush administration from trying. Secretary of State Condi Rice made the latest effort earlier this week.

Of course, the wording has to be careful (and we suspect, misleading). Rice claimed, "Our people, wherever they are, are operating under US law and US international obligations," including the UN Convention Against Torture.

Is that why the US, under the Bush administration, legally changed its definition of torture? In the land of the free and home of the brave, torture now encompasses interrogation techniques that could lead to death or organ failure. Anything less is okay-dokey. So which are we adhering to: the new, spiffed-up US definition, or the UN definition? Considering the lack of respect and deference this administration shows for all things UN and international, we’re a bit suspicious.

Anyone the least bit wary of the Bushies (according to recent polls, this includes nearly half of American voters) also has to question the validity of Rice’s assertion that "renditions" of terror suspects have "helped protect European countries from attack, saving European lives." ("Renditions" is the term used for taking terrorist suspects surreptitiously to other countries for interrogation, quite possibly with extensive torture.)

We don’t expect any further explanation from Rice or anyone else in the administration. But there is no evidence showing torture to be effective in extracting truthful responses during interrogation, and the Bushies continue to withhold documents from Congress about the current interrogation protocols. This would not be for public consumption, merely for the intelligence committees of both houses.

Considering the evil nature of the terrorist threat (and make no mistake about it — it is evil), it would be difficult for the United States to come out as the bad guy in any way in this. But we do, thanks to Bushian incompetence and the president’s legendary and wildly misplaced "moral certainty."

THE BEST THAT MONEY CAN BUY

There was a very interesting article in the New York Times’ "Sunday Styles" section last month about famous rock stars whoring themselves out for the big bucks for all sorts of important parties, like some schmuck’s daughter’s bat mitzvah.

Hadn’t heard about it? No wonder. The likes of Elton John, Paul McCartney, and even those bad boys, the Rolling Stones, are now willing to make musical appearances on behalf of overstuffed corporate suits who want to show how much power they have. Just don’t make it public, right mate? Hey, Mick, get me another G&T, you withered old crone.

This phenomenon came to Aquidneck Island a year ago, according to P&J’s sources, when Elton secretly showed up for a big bash on Ocean Drive, replete with moving vans full of sets, no doubt to pay homage to some Botox-and-plastic surgery-scarred desperate housewife who resembled Joan Rivers after a bad night on the town.

The Biggest Little might conceivably endure the insult of GOP doyenne Eileen "Jurassic Spice" Slocum inviting "Big Time" Cheney to appear and bite the heads off of squirrels in the backyard of a Newport mansion. Still, might P&J suggest you round up local talent, such as Roomful of Blues, to deliver the showpiece? But then again, someone at the next party in Palm Beach might not know who they are.

And to the very appreciative fans who pay so much attention to the lyrics, such as President Al Z. (Ronny Rayguns) Heimer and po-faced, pedantic blustering bozo Al Gore, let’s all get up and boogie to that wonderful pro-American anthem, "Born in the USA." Git down with the Macarena!

Gag us with a feathered boa, Mick.

OH TANNENBAUM

Perhaps the stupidest "cause" of the year is the amazing "Christmas Under Siege" movement being spearheaded by a bevy of the usual suspects: Jerry Falwell; the American Family Association; Fox News phony Bill O’Reilly, etc. The idea is bullying retailers into mentioning "Christmas" in their advertising and store displays. If, for instance, store employees greet you with a "Happy Holidays," instead of "Merry Christmas," you should storm out and not shop there because they are, according to the unofficial US Ministers of Religion, "anti-Christmas."

One must hope that this wrongheaded movement will get what it deserves, namely a lot more people noticing that the so-called "Christian Right" is (as the bumper sticker says) neither Christian nor right. What in the world is wrong with "Happy Holidays" and "Season’s Greetings"? Oh, we get it. It’s all part of that evil and dreaded "inclusiveness" plot to acknowledge those who are not white Protestant evangelicals.

Your superior correspondents do not see Christianity or Christmas "under siege" anywhere in this country. There are quite a few countries where Christians are persecuted, but Falwell and his ilk have found that discussing that real and serious issue does not make for headlines. In the USA, businesses and individuals have used the phrases "Season’s Greetings" and "Happy Holidays" for years, perhaps because they believe that respect for religious diversity is a good thing in the land of the First Amendment.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS

At Casa Diablo this week, all prayers and thoughts go to the Carpilio family for the inestimable loss of Michael in a tragic automobile accident. We wish you strength at this terrible time.

Send Manny Ramirez and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.