Scooterectomies all around Libby already lost the part of his brain that stores important information

Your superior correspondents have long assumed that individuals with law and medical degrees are anomalies. To have such expertise in two rigorous disciplines, after all, is pretty darned special. As we follow the CIA leak case (Plamegate, or whatever you want to call it), however, it seems that the defense for I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, indicted former aide to Vice President Dick "Big Time" Cheney, is also expert in both fields.

Libby’s line will reportedly be that though he did give false information, time after time, to the special prosecutor and the grand jury, he wasn’t lying — he just couldn’t remember. If this Steve Martin-style defense is successful, his representation will establish a medical/legal service to provide "Scooterectomies" to anyone with the requisite interest (and the cash).

As we understand it, the Scooterectomy is the surgical removal of that part of the brain where the memories of important conversations are stored. There is already a great deal of interest emanating from the halls of power in Washington, and particularly Wall Street, for this procedure. P&J will continue to look into this phenomenon and report back to you, unless, of course, we forget.

And finally, we must beg to differ with a number of wags on another issue. We don’t think there’s anything wrong with a grown man in a high-profile job being called "Scooter." We do suggest, though, that he might consider changing his name from "I. Lewis" to "Me, Henchman."

HYPOCRISY ON PARADE

Your superior correspondents are amused by all the hand wringing among elected "anti-gambling" advocates over reports that slot machine profits in the Biggest Little are well under projected figures. Of course, the state budget is based on the assumption that gambling revenues will increase at a rate of more than 15 percent each year. That gives you some idea of how "anti-gambling" most of our elected officials are.

Especially winning were comments by the state’s Lottery ramrod, Gerald Aubin, who "optimistically" predicts that scratch ticket sales will rebound since gasoline prices are dropping down. (Gas stations apparently sell a lot of scratch tickets.) Scratch tickets are, of course, an incredibly efficient way of squeezing money out of poor people. That the State of Rhode Island is in such a despicable business, actually depending on it and spending millions to relentlessly advertise it, really gives us the moral high ground, huh?

If the governor or the General Assembly leaders can explain how our state-run gambling enterprise is not hypocritical and not a moral disgrace, we’d be interested in their reasoning. But they can’t and they won’t, of course. Money uber alles.

BOO!

Phillipe & Jorge don’t normally print entire items from the mainstream press, but we make an exception on occasion. To wit, from the Associated Press:

Body hanging from tree mistaken for Halloween decoration

FREDERICA, Delaware (AP) — The apparent suicide of a woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said.

The 42-year-old woman used rope to hang herself across the street from some homes on a moderately busy road late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said. The body, suspended about 15 feet above the ground, could be easily seen from passing vehicles.

State police spokesman Cpl. Jeff Oldham and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday but dismissed it as a holiday prank. Authorities were called to the scene more than three hours later.

"They thought it was a Halloween decoration," Fay Glanden, wife of Mayor William Glanden, told the (Wilmington) News Journal.

"It looked like something somebody would have rigged up," she said.

Frederica, Delaware. Don’t get sick if you are in the vicinity.

SKIRTING THE ISSUE

Your superior correspondents normally flee as quickly as possible when a "reality show" comes on, but we may be persuaded to watch an upcoming episode of the ABC program Wife Swap. According to a report in the Urinal’s Wifebeat section, a Warwick housewife will trade places with a Virginia woman for two weeks, living with the other woman’s husband, and vice versa. Here’s where it really gets good.

The Virginia husband, Ash Kestrel (if that is indeed your real name, Major Batguano) has dreadlocks and likes to wear a skirt. Well, we suspect they should have arranged a swap with Michael Jackson, but Susan Heiss of Wark will no doubt have her hands full with the delightful Mr. Kestrel.

GETTING RADICAL

It’s time to go after Samuel Alito, Dubya’s newest radical right God-botherer. All you need to know is that Alito is referred to as "Scalito" and "Scalia Lite," references to the unspeakable and detestable Supreme Antonin Scalia, Big Time’s hunting partner.

And speaking of Big Time, P&J are holding a raffle to predict just how many days it will take to drive that chicken hawk liar out of office for his work in revealing the identity of undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame.

Sleep tight (and with anyone from the White House you can get into bed with you), Judith Miller.

TIRED TEEN MUSINGS GO HIGH-TECH

"Back in the P&J day" — which occurred somewhere between the Ice Age and the creation of the Magna Carta — teenaged boneheads like ourselves would keep little diaries or kvetch to our close friends up in the bedroom. Some of the more technologically advanced would use long strings with Dixie cups on each end to communicate. But all this has changed in our modern age.

On Monday, a story in USA Today reported on the growing trend of teens creating their own blogs. At least eight million young people are doing this, according to a Pew Internet & American Life Project report due out on Wednesday (conveniently after P&J’s deadline, but just before the Phoenix appears on the streets. Ain’t it always the case?).

When did it become mandatory that everyone’s life, no matter how tedious, should be presented for public consumption? And who, pray tell, outside of alarmed parents and a few million sexual predators of youth, are reading these blogs and "social Web sites"?

We anxiously await the further expansion of cable television channels, so that every teen will soon have their own reality show.

SIX FEET OF WATER IN THE STREETS OF EVANGELINE

Phillipe & Jorge chanced upon an old friend from New Orleans this past weekend. She has returned to her home in the Big Easy, having been brought up in Metairie, an N.O. suburb.

Unfortunately, for huge fans of everything about the Crescent City, the news is not good. Not only did our friend’s parents lose their house, the whole infrastructure has been shattered. A very cruel blow to a metropolis that is much more like a European municipality than an American one.

The only bright spot in the flooding that ravaged New Orleans was the goodwill expressed by people from Little Rhody to West Texas for those rendered homeless, perhaps forever changing their lives. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, and those people who have welcomed the N.O. evacuees into their lives and communities have risen to the occasion.

KUDOS AND CONGRATS . . .

. . . to Woonsocket Police Chief William J. Shea, who recently resigned rather than endure the pressure being put on him from a variety of angles due to the increasingly nasty mayoral contest between incumbent Susan Menard and state Representative Todd Brien. A wise move on his part, we think.

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