In the eyes of the beholder

Phillipe & Jorge are getting a bit disconcerted while looking at the eyes of leading GOP politicos when they appear on TV or in news photos. If eyes are indeed "the window to the soul," we have been getting very worried for good reason.

The God-fearing Dubya Bush, with his close-set, cross-eyed chimp-like look, always seems to have vacant eyes, suggesting he hasn’t a clue about whatever he is saying or hearing. Rummy Rumsfeld squints so much because, doubtless, he does not want anyone to see the legions of Hieronymus Bosch ghouls that inhabit his soul. They force him to make utterly absurd comments and explanations about a foreign policy that is killing our most courageous men and women for falsified reasons. It has also increased hatred in the rest of the world for America because of the indifference Rummy has for anyone besides himself, and his condoning of torture and illegal imprisonment.

But the two who really bother us are Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist and GOP gollum and House Majority Leader Tom "Cockroach Boy" DeLay, who look downright scary. Frist has this ungodly thousand-yard stare when he is caught on camera, as though he is listening to the demons in his head at all times. Actually, with his semi-walleyed look, he really resembles E.T. wearing a ridiculous toupee. And the grand dragon of the Republican Party, DeLay, has these black, beady pellets that contain no emotion. It is our guess, based upon his recent behavior, and frothing about activist judges and a conspiratorial liberal media, that a couple of roaches crawled into his ears during his exterminator days, and have been devouring his brain little by little, leading to his increasingly bizarre pronouncements.

We only have eyes for you, boys.

HOE, HOE, HOE

One of P&J’s sharp-eyed legal eagles sends along a nice footnote from a US Court of Appeals case. In the text of the decision, the following appears in regard to a footnoted item:

"On the evening of May 29, 2003, Hayden was smoking crack with three other folks at a trailer park home on Chain of Rocks Road in Granite City, Illinois. Murphy, Sr., who had sold drugs to Hayden several years earlier, showed up later that night. He was friendly at first, but he soon called Hayden a ‘snitch bitch hoe’ [FN1] (our emphasis) and hit her in the head with the back of his hand . . . "

Footnote 1 at the end then reads: "FN1. The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch ‘hoe.’ A ‘hoe,’ of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden’s response. We have taken the liberty of changing ‘hoe’ to ‘ho,’ a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps, ‘You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies.’ "

Yo, the judges just makin’ it real, bee-otches. And those robes are def, ch’all. Describing this as "Ludacris" would be about right.

‘LAUGH-AT-ME’ WATCH

Unless you believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, or the tooth fairy, you know that the "Draft Laffey for US Senate" movement is getting its marching orders straight from Cranston City Hall. There was much laughter at Casa Diablo about this last week. We just love it when Stevie boy ("I am honored") acts coy.

P&J have encouraged the mayor of Cranston to challenge Linc Chafee in a Republican primary, because we’d so like to see him get his ass kicked, but, as we’ve said before, we don’t expect this to happen. We think Laffey will wait to see which candidate for general treasurer the Democratic establishment seems to be supporting. This is the office that Laffey will run for.

Why, you ask? For one thing, this is an office where Mr. Moneyboy can claim some expertise when one considers his experience in the private sector. More importantly, the chances are high that the Democrats will push for a hack to run for the office. Considering the number of graspers in the party, there will be pressure to have them represented on the statewide slate. P&J, at least, have not forgotten the famous words of the legendary Republican senator from Nebraska, Roman Hruska. In defending President Richard Nixon’s (unsuccessful) choice in 1970 of G. Harrold Carswell for the US Supreme Court, Hruska said, "Even if he is mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren’t they, and a little chance? We can’t have all Brandeises and Cardozos and Frankfurters and stuff like that there."

While "Laugh at Me" has made only two runs for public office, his first seems instructive. He ran for mayor against John O’Leary when O’Leary was all but a municipal disgrace. Easy pickings. There’ll be no such easy pickings in the running for lieutenant governor. Democrat Liz Roberts (a P&J favorite) is such a top-quality candidate that a scorched earth campaign by Laffey would only blow up in his face. So take it from P&J: Laffey runs for general treasurer, and wins, unless the Democrats can pry themselves away from the possibility of supporting a hack.

Note: Despite Laugh at Me’s disingenuous claims that he has not settled on a campaign plan, more than one alert political junkie has noted that the reservation of the Web domain www.laffeyforsenate.com, registered by a Michael Deutsch of Guttenberg, New Jersey, with Laffey pal Jim Hackett listed as the "administrative contact." Guess that was just something to do while waiting for Stevie to powder his nose for another TV appearance.

P&J’S BOOKSHELF

Your superior correspondents would like to heartily endorse a few books with Vo Dilun connections that we’ve recently read. BeloJo reporter Mark Arsenault has a second mystery out from Poisoned Pen Press, Speak Ill of the Living. Mark’s first effort, Spiked, was a finalist for the Shamus Award for best first novel. We greatly enjoyed Spiked and find the new book to be even more of a page-turner. It has great pacing, a good story, and quite a few chuckles along the way.

The slender volume Roger Williams, from the Oxford University Press, is part of their "Lives and Legacies" series (the prior two volumes have been about Walt Whitman and Mark Twain). It’s written by noted Williams scholar, Edwin S. Gaustad, professor of history and religious studies emeritus at the University of California at Riverside, and should be required reading for all Ocean State high school students.

Actually, this concise little volume should be required reading for the likes of George W. Bush, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and the rest of the reactionary theocrats who seem to abound these days. In terms of understanding the importance of separation of church and state from a truly spiritual perspective, Roger Williams was light years ahead of everyone. And considering the rise of the so-called Christian right and the ignorant attacks against evolution, he still is. This book is an easy to read story about a real hero, and we urge all Vo Dilunduhs to read it.

MORONS IN VEGAS

The Mensa master of the week award goes to Paul N. Iannuzzi of Glocester. As reported in the Other Paper and elsewhere, police allege that Mr. Iannuzzi took explicit photographs of a minor. He was arrested last month and remained free pending his arraignment, but as is the case with many suspects, he was not allowed to travel out of state.

Iannuzzi, apparently thinking that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, didn’t consider another truism — what happens on TV is seen by millions, some of whom might be RI state troopers. So, when Paulie Boy decided to fly out to Vegas to show the local colors for Peter Manfredo Jr., Rhode Island’s own Contender, he was seen by a few of our boys in gray. Thanks for the entertainment, Paul.

I LIKE IKE

Here’s a bit of 50-year-old wisdom for the dummies of today. We believe the word is "prescient." Thanks to our good friend and colleague KK for passing it along.

On November 8, 1954, Dwight Eisenhower said, "Should any political party attempt to abolish Social Security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are [a] few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."

Special to Dubya: Eisenhower was a Republican president who served from 1952-1960, a bit before your Poppy. You’re welcome.

A FOX IN THE WOODPILE

It’s nice to know that Vicente Fox, president of the slumbering giant in our basement, Mexico, has the same wonderful sense of race relations as the administration of the God-bothering Dubya the Dumb.

Speaking to a group of Texas businessmen meeting in Mexico, Fox had these words of wisdom while chastising Boy George for his US immigration policy (including, of course, the volunteer US border guard culos we have recently heard about): "There is no doubt that Mexicans, filled with dignity, willingness and ability to work, are doing jobs that not even blacks want to do there in the United States."

Naturally, this did not sit well with many African-Americans, and produced the usual search for the red lights of the TV cameras by the absurd and well past sell-by date Jesse Jackson, the race card-playing entrepreneur, and the preposterous Al Sharpton, who makes Reverend Ike look like a legitimate businessman. Fox said his remarks were misinterpreted (habla Espanol, gringos?) and added that he "regrets" the statements.

Actually, El Presidente, it’s not that blacks don’t want to do them, but that most American blacks live in the city, providing little chance to learn how to rake leaves, use trimmers, or drive huge power lawnmowers.

Sleep tight, Stepin Fetchit and Mantan Moreland.

WELCOME BACK

A special "Hola!" to our amigo Dr. Pablo Rodriguez, who made a surprise public appearance this past week. Good to see you out there, and Godspeed in your recovery, Doc. You make Little Rhody a better place just by being here.

Send relief pitching and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.