Don’t blink

How about those crack policemen and detectives on the Providence police force. They are the modern day Little Rhody versions of Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot, n’est-ce pas?

La Prov’s police union officials disgraced and embarrassed themselves by overreacting to the discovery of what they called a "listening device" under a clerk’s desk in the patrol bureau, running around wildly flapping their wings like Chicken Little, loudly clucking to the media that they had been bugged. Unfortunately for the union geniuses, a state police investigation, which went so far as to involve the FBI, revealed the device was nothing of the sort. It was merely a piece of costume jewelry called a "blinky light." You can’t make this kind of stuff up, can you boys and girls?

In related stories involving the Butterfly McQueen division of Providence’s finest, a Providence patrolman had to be shot with a tranquilizer dart after he bolted from his police car, screaming and running down the street while waving his hands over his head. When he recovered, he told P&J, "My partner turned on the lights and suddenly I was surrounding by these flashing lights of red and blue, going on and off, on and off! I couldn’t take it, and I must have snapped. They were sooooo bright, I just got spooked."

In another incident, an officer from the division rushed to the emergency room at Rhode Island Hospital after he thought he had a heart attack. He informed your superior correspondents, "I was just pulling out after a guy who went speeding by when my partner turned on the siren. I nearly jumped out of my seat! Do you know how loud that thing is? My gosh, it scared the living daylights out of me! I started gulping for air and could barely breathe. I thought I was takin’ a hot, so I pulled into the hospital. The doctor said it was just an anxiety attack. Boy, the next car I get, I’m going to turn down the volume on that thing."

No problem here, officer.

GUILTY PLEA

Your superior correspondents noted a February 12 story from the LA Times (the headline and lead to follow) that seemed to beg a very important question: Whither the Valerie Plame investigation?

CIA Operation in Iran Failed When Spies Were Exposed

WASHINGTON — Dozens of CIA informants in Iran were executed or imprisoned in the late 1980s or early 1990s after their secret communications with the agency were uncovered by the government, according to former CIA officials who discussed the episode after aspects of it were disclosed during a recent congressional hearing.

Yes, it’s a pretty grim fate for someone to have his or her CIA cover blown. Yet to date, we still don’t know who from the Bush administration exposed CIA operative Plame’s cover, in retribution for her husband going public in the New York Times, rapping the Bushies’ claim of Saddam having bought yellow cake uranium in Africa. In response, courts have trampled freedom of the press, threatening journalists with jail for withholding their sources on this case. Meanwhile, liver-lipped columnist Robert Novak, who outed Plame with help from his friendly sources in the corridors of power, walks around free. Those same political gollums appear to have gotten away with possibly putting Plame in a position where her safety might have been jeopardized. As Richard Pryor used to say about blacks, "Justice? That’s who is in prison. Just us."

Sleep tight, Jim Taricani.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Phillipe & Jorge had the paper dragon out and over our heads as we went racing through the house last week while celebrating the Chinese New Year. As you may know, this is the year of the rooster. Except, of course, at Dubya’s White House, where it is the year of the capon.

JUST THINKING

Two very nice observations in the media last week, one from the gray lady, the New York Times, the country’s organ of record, and the other from our own BeloJo.

In the Times, columnist Bob Herbert offered an insight on the deep thinking of recently deceased playwright Arthur Miller. He pointed out how that contrasts with the anti-intellectual Bushie society of today, where anyone who actually ponders an issue seriously and expresses an opinion is viewed as suspect, if not dangerous. (Of course, the reactionary Neanderthals on the House Un-American Activities Committee considered Miller to be dangerous.)

"If you can’t say it in 30 seconds, you have to move on," Herbert wrote. "God made man and the godless evolutionists are on the run. Donald Trump (‘You’re fired!’) and Paris Hilton (‘That’s hot!’) are cultural icons. Ignorance is in. The nation is at war and its appetite for torture may be undermining the very essence of the American character, but the public at large seems much more interested in what Martha will do when she gets out of prison and what Jacko will do if he has to go in."

Too little coverage has been devoted not just to the prisoner abuses at Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib, but also to our hideous and obscene practice of "rendition," in which we spirit prisoners off to countries that use even worse torture than that carried out by septuagenarian war enthusiast Secretary of Interrogation Donald Rumsfeld’s American ghouls.

While it might be widely overlooked here, you can bet the rest of the world is paying attention. We are gradually eroding our worldwide stature and integrity with these abominable practices.

On a lighter note locally, there was a great piece in the Urinal on February 13 by M. Chuckie Bakst, about Supremes Chief Justice Frank Williams’s new self-serving, self-adoring Web site. M. Chuckie stuck in the stiletto and gave it a gentle twist when he wrote, "Incidentally, am I the only person who finds it odd that Williams, who calls himself a gourmet chef, offers a lemon cake recipe that includes Duncan Hines cake mix and a box of Jell-O instant pudding?"

Here’s the can opener for the baked beans, Frank, courtesy of Mr. Bakst.

SALESMAN

R.I.P., Arthur Miller. Hearing of the death of the famed playwright and short-term hubby of Marilyn Monroe. P&J immediately headed to the Providence Marriott’s cocktail lounge. Years ago, we dubbed it the Willy Loman Room for its distinctive clientele, and it continues to live up to its billing. Perhaps a Miller shrine behind the bar, guys? Or crucible-shaped ashtrays?

SPOTLIGHT ON BIG MEN

Wasn’t it wonderful to see the rough, tough creampuff sons of the desert in Saudi Arabia forbidding their women yet again from voting in their unctuous country? Hey, at least it isn’t as bad as the oil moguls who continue to own slaves. No wonder they are best of buddies with Dubya Bush and his family. Any president whose father turned his back on the rebels in Tiananmen Square, in favor of the reigning old Chinese repressors, couldn’t ask for better friends.

UP WITH AQUIDNECK ISLAND

A story featuring local celebrity types is sometimes so bizarre, so reeking of cultural cachet, that it just throws you for a loop. In the past, it seemed that Bruce Sundlun had a monopoly on creating this sort of excitement, with his raccoon gun, plastic forks, and mystery children. In recent years, "Naked Dick" Hatch has tried to steal the old Sundlun thunder.

Now, out of the past come two genuine Biggest Little legends to team up for one weird story. Barry Cowsill, a member of the famous ’60s/’70s family musical group ("Hair," "Indian Lake," "The Rain, the Park and Other Things"), is being charged with making obscene phone calls to (hold on to your hats!) Freddie St Germain, the ’60s/’70s/’80s political legend and former congressman, his greatest national hit being "The Savings and Loan Failures."

According to the Other Paper, the charges stem from a complaint made by "Rouged and Ready" Freddy that Cowsill had been calling his home late at night, leaving "rambling phone messages," and that although none were threatening, they were annoying. It was also revealed that Barry Cowsill had been dating Freddy’s 41-year-old daughter for about a year before they broke up last fall.

Your superior correspondents hope there is more weirdness than this to savor in the case. Perhaps Cowsill and St Germain were feuding over who had the largest makeup kit. Maybe Cowsill was making the alleged harassing phone calls from Clarendon Court. But that would be too much to ask for.

One thing puzzling P&J is why all these really weird stories always seem to come from Aquidneck Island. The trite explanation — maybe it’s something in the water there — might actually have some validity. If you’ve ever accidentally tasted the tap water in Newport, you know it is virtually undrinkable. Maybe all these people who manage to get mixed up in the surreal life — Sundlun, Hatch, Cowsill, St Germain — have been surreptitiously sipping from the tap on Aquidneck Isle.

DISENFRANCHISED

Recently released findings from the Rhode Island Family Life Center show that a greater percentage of African-Americans in Rhode Island are barred from voting due to felony convictions than in many Southern states. (The center is a nonprofit organization founded to assist in the reintegration of people returning from prison while strengthening their families and communities through case management, research, and community education.) Stating that Rhode Island has the most restrictive felony disfranchisement laws in New England (a situation noted in a number of news articles in recent months), the study says more than 12 percent of the state’s African-Americans can’t vote because of past felony convictions.

In particular, African-American men ages 18 to 34 have had their voting rights taken away by the state’s retrograde voting laws. This impacts 20 percent statewide. On the South Side of Providence, the study found that 40 percent of African-American men ages 18 to 34 are unable to vote.

While the Rhode Island law impacts a wide, diverse group (anyone who’s ever been convicted of a felony), a disproportionate number are people of color. P&J believe that if someone has committed a serious crime, served their time, and is now out of prison and wanting to function effectively, it would behoove us to help that person succeed rather than stacking obstacles in their path. One of these things is communicating how this person has a stake in participating in society, and one of the ways of doing this is allowing him, indeed, encouraging him, to vote. We really need to change our laws — and an effort will be made this legislative session to do just that.

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