Time for a cartoon blacklist

Your superior correspondents always knew that the extremist right-wingers who use Christianity as their cudgel are a deluded lot. It is our belief that the Pat Robertsons, Jerry Falwells, Bob Jones, and James Dobsons are distorted and a fringe element, but they do have their followers nonetheless.

Last week, Dobson joined Falwell in expressing his deep concern about the sexual attitudes and/or proclivities of cartoon characters. Dobson’s target was SpongeBob SquarePants, whom Dobson accused of starring in a video "promoting" homosexuality. (SpongeBob’s cohorts in this despicable video project included Jimmy Neutron, Winnie the Pooh, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, and Barney the purple dinosaur. Let’s face it: everyone already knew that Barney was gay, and Winnie the Pooh, being British, can assumed to be a bit light in the loafers as well. As for Kermit and Miss Piggy, no one should be surprised since they’re hooked up with the communist front group, Sesame Street (featuring the notorious superior behaviorists, Bert and Ernie).

Where was Tinky Winky in all this? Perhaps Falwell’s earlier attack on the purse-carrying Teletubby has pushed him underground.

The excessive concern of the fake Christians about the alleged sexual thoughts of sponges, puppets, and cartoon barnyard animals gives you some idea of how ignorant they are on matters of sexual orientation. They fear the cartoons because they actually believe that the behavior and attitudes of an animated sponge can influence a child’s sexual orientation.

And, of course, they’re just petrified of anything having to do with sexuality in general. If you don’t believe that, here’s a little excerpt from a consumer guide put out by another fringe Christian group, the ChildCare Action Project, warning of evil images in Disney’s The Little Mermaid: "a castle spire on the jacket art for the video resembles a phallus."

Stop the presses! Let’s dynamite all of this sexually explicit architecture before it perverts our youth! And, it would seem, the fake Christian provocateurs know their audience. After the alert in the guidebook about the castle spire, they add this explanatory note: "A phallus is a representation of the male member."

SHOWDOWN AT CASA D.

It may be handbags at 10 paces (or should that be purses?) at Casa Diablo on Super Bowl Sunday, as Phillipe’s beloved Philadelphia Iggles take on Jorge’s New England Patriots. It must be said, though, that P. may well be rooting for the Pats, as most of his adult life has been spent in lovely New England.

Despite all the absolute crap that will be force-fed into papers during the two-week lag zone prior to the traditional Soopah Bowl party at Casa Diablo, anything worth reading will likely be published in the Urinal. This is because sportswriter Tom Curran may well be the best pro football reporter writing for any newspaper in the country, a fact we have made clear to his editor, Art Martone, who seems to agree. (That’ll be 100 bucks and a steak dinner, Tom. You’re welcome.)

Here’s a wonderful example of Curran’s ability to be more than a jock-sniffer. He can actually understand the bigger picture of sports, as it appeared in his "Print Blog" column on January 25, about how it felt to be in a losing team’s locker room after a game (in which the Pats beat the Steelers for the AFC title and the trip to Soopah-land), and the state of mind of the players:

In the Steelers locker room Sunday night. Pro Bowl guard Alan Faneca was dressing quietly, staring into his locker. No media was near him, which sometimes signals that the local folks know not to approach him after a loss because he could either start sobbing uncontrollably, launch into an x-rated diatribe or fling reporters around the room like playing cards.

Softly, I asked, "Ryan, do you have a second for a question?"

"Yup," he said, not looking at me while pulling on his shirt.

"Did the improvement of the Patriots from the last time you played them surprise you?"

Faneca paused. Then he looked down, touched his collar and turned it outward. His eyes narrowed, and then he sighed.

"I put my shirt on backwards," he said."

Now, that is sportswriting, Sports Illustrated reporters and hyped-up ESPN hacks, et al.

THE MORON MAJORITY

Quote of the week comes from an unnamed source, reported in The Week, who managed to take down both an egocentric Hollywood actor, plus King Dubya:

"Palestinians were perplexed by a TV advertisement taken out by actor Richard Gere urging them to vote in their election. ‘I’m speaking for the entire world,’ [He said modestly — P&J] Gere said in the ad. ‘We’re with you during this election time. Get out and vote.’ Most Palestinians have never heard of the actor. ‘I don’t even know who the candidates are, other than Abu Mazen, let alone Gere,’ said one voter, Manar an-Najar. ‘We don’t need Americans intervention. We know who to elect. Not like them — they elected a moron.’ "

SAY GOODNIGHT, JOHNNY

Did anyone hear that Johnny Carson died?

Maybe P&J are from a gentler and kinder generation, but it would be tough to say anything bad about the boyish-looking TV star from Nebraska. One only need look at how everyone from Letterman to Conan has embraced his formula for late night success, from the opening monologue, the set-up behind a desk, coffee cup full of vodka, and a sidekick like the frequently tired and emotional, yee-hawing ex-Marine Ed McMahon. (And the obvious tip of the hat to Johnny’s predecessor Jack Paar.) No one understood or exercised the art of self-deprecation more than Johnny Carson, who could turn a blown joke into a highlight of the show. And his eternal sending up of McMahon, especially when it was evident to anyone watching that the sidekick had ingested a few too many jars of neck oil, was glorious. The man had a lasting impact on television. The fact that little he has done has ever been surpassed, and so frequently emulated, speaks volumes for his contribution. Hey-oh!

SLOWING DOWN A LIBRARY

Many of you may recall the imbroglio of the past few years at the Providence Athenaeum, a true local jewel and one of the oldest libraries in the USA. A small group of library members tried to hold up the sale of the Athenaeum’s John James Audubon portfolio collection at Christie’s in New York. The library has been facing financial difficulties, and to the majority of the board and membership, the auction seemed the most reasonable way to deal with the shortfall. Because of the dispute, however, the Athenaeum leadership was dragged into Superior Court. Judge Michael Silverstein found in favor of the Athenaeum board in a decision that can be fairly described as a slam-dunk.

At the time, P&J were told by a few friends who had been long-time Athenaeum members that it was one person, Frank Mauran, who objected to the sale and that he convinced a few other members to join him in his opposition. Subsequent events tend to bear this out. After the overwhelmingly one-sided Silverstein decision, all of those who challenged the Athenaeum’s right to sell the Audubon portfolio dropped the issue. All, that is, except Frank Mauran. P&J called Mr. Mauran for comment, asking him why he is continuing with his actions against the Athenaeum board. His only comment was, "I’d rather not discuss it at this time."

This month, because Mr. Mauran (and only Mr. Mauran) is continuing to battle the Athenaeum board, retired judges Weisberger and Shea will hear mediation in the case.

Tim Philbrick, a nationally recognized furniture maker, long-time Athenaeum member, (and not coincidentally, a Casa Diablo regular), told your superior correspondents that Mr. Mauran (who apparently has deep pockets) has been an internal critic at the Athenaeum ever since the library changed from a shareholder to a membership organization a number of years ago. In fact, since all the other matters have already been decided in court, it is only the issue of this change that remains to be considered in mediation by the two judges.

We say that it’s a shame that an institution’s ability to function properly is being delayed for such a lengthy amount of time.

BUSH’S BOY

Everyone knew that when the over-hyped, self-serving Tom Brokaw left as NBC’s top newsreader his successor, Brian Williams, was no more than a white boy talking hairdo. But it is apparent that he has now become the official spokesperson for Dubya Bush and the worst elements of his agenda.

The excellent Web site www.mediamatters.org this week exposed his usual suck-up tactics, which Mr. Williams perhaps thinks will assure him of hard-hitting interviews like those that Barbara "Jurassic Spice" Walters landed with the notoriously secretive and stonewalling Bush administration. Headlined "NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams thinks Limbaugh should get more credit," the Media Matters’ report hit home by picking up on Williams’s air-headed comment — "Rush has actually yet to get the credit he is due" from a December 26, 2004, interview on C-SPAN with Brian Lamb. Get the credit for what?

"Williams: I do listen to Rush. I listen to it from a radio in my office, or depending on my day, if I’m in the car, I will listen to Rush. And he will tell you I’ve been listening for years. I think it’s my duty to listen to Rush. I think Rush has actually yet to get the credit he is due, because his audience for so many years felt they were in the wilderness of this country. No one was talking to them."

Williams’s grasp of NBC News seems not in question, but local viewers should consider using the remote once the national "news" comes on — to a station whose anchor doesn’t have on a set of knee pads with the presidential seal (or "ditto head") on them.

R.I.P.

. . . Roosevelt Benton, who in his many active years of community service in Providence was chairman of the Providence School Committee, executive director of the South Providence Boys and Girls Club, and deputy superintendent of the Rhode Island Training School. Benton was a kind and gentle man, but very persistent when he wanted things done. He made a huge difference in the lives of many. Phillipe & Jorge once had the opportunity to interview him at length about problems at the Training School. He bemoaned how kids today would beat someone up over a pair of Michael Jordan sneakers because of the way they were hyped on TV. He also believed that no child should be left behind (not just rhetoric, Dubya), as he dealt with the fiercest of youth, understanding they need the most love and help, given their upbringing. He was a special soul indeed. Roosevelt Benton died just one day after being inducted into the City of Providence’s Martin Luther King Jr. Hall of Fame.

Send hallowed souls and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.