Tsunami speculation

Some people have asked us why we have written virtually nothing about one of the greatest natural disasters of recent times. Since we are primarily humorists, our problem should be fairly obvious — there is no humor to be found in the death, destruction, and ongoing health crisis. All we can do is lend a hand to try and ease the pain and suffering. And it will be a long and arduous task. (Although P&J have indeed not gone into detail on the massive death and destruction accompanying the tsunami, Phillipe’s civilian alter ego wrote an op-ed piece for the Other Paper, on the impact in Sri Lanka, published January 4.)

There are, however, a few thoughts that have come to mind as we’ve followed the unfolding story of this tragedy. One has to do with the speculation that a similar event could strike elsewhere, including here on the East Coast of the USA. Experts say this is very unlikely. P&J would like to add that in our highly unscientific opinions, one group that would likely be safe, if we were struck, would be members of the General Assembly.

A number of stories about the large numbers of birds and animals who survived the tsunami told of how they could sense the unusual vibrations through the earth and sought higher ground. We suspect this would also be the case with the many legislators who are reputed to scamper around on all fours in the privacy of their legislative chambers. While some may write this off as mere zoomorphic speculation, P&J are convinced it is true.

We have also seen occasional references to this disaster being of "biblical proportions," which led us to speculate about what exactly "biblical proportions" are. For instance, if in around 800 BC, a wrathful God had turned the entire country of Canada into Spam, due to the behaviors of some profligate lumberjacks, it wouldn’t have made the Bible. That’s because the reporters and writers working on the Bible were not covering Canada at the time. Likewise, if reindeer on the tundra started speaking in tongues, there would have been nobody from any of the great holy books to check it out.

Therefore, we would insist that this event is much bigger than "biblical proportions," which were, after all, comparatively provincial.

DEATH AT $90 A COLUMN INCH

While many people may have seen the story — first reported in the Phoenix almost two months ago, and then aired by other papers and broadcast media — the BeloJo has changed its obituaries policy. Part of what that means became abundantly clear last Wednesday, January 5, when the new structure of the death notices/obituaries page went into effect.

Briefly, the death notices and obituaries have been rolled into one "obituaries" column. Families had always paid for the death notices, but the obituaries were considered part of the news service that a newspaper provides for its community. Now the death notices/obits have been rolled into one "obituaries" column, and the charge is approximately $90 per column inch for inclusion (the Urinal will give a 36-percent discount to families receiving state assistance for the funeral). Photos will cost you another $104.

P&J would like to point out that many other newspapers around the country have been charging for obituaries for some time, but it is not the custom in the Biggest Little. To our knowledge, no other Rhode Island papers charge for obits. But the real outrage is the price. Jerry Quinn, from the Thomas & Walter Quinn Funeral Home in Warwick, interviewed by Kelly Smith for her article in the Beacon Communications newspapers, said, "They’re going to make a boatload of money . . . that’s the bottom line."

Another funeral director suggested to Smith, "Many families would be forced to choose whether to run an obituary over things like extra calling hours or a limousine ride to the cemetery."

P&J say we’re glad the election is over, because it would be really tough to take the Belo Corporation sending more six-figure checks to the Bush campaign when that money was derived from the deaths of Vo Dilunduhs. Your superior correspondents would further suggest that since the Other Paper will indeed be making a windfall on this, perhaps it should consider sending some of the money to relief organizations working with the victims of the tsunami. There would at least be some sort of poetic justice in that.

HEY, MIKEY!

How much enjoyment do you think the world’s weirdest individual, Michael Jackson, is going to have in prison? As a postcard Phillipe & Jorge often send to friends reads, "As a child, Billy liked to do perverted things. Now he’s in prison. The fun never stops."

Yep, it appears that the Gloved One is in serious trouble, if reports on the Smoking Gun Web site are to be believed: "If the harrowing and deeply disturbing allegations in these [leaked court and other] documents are true, Jackson is a textbook pedophile, a 46-year-old predator who plied children with wine, vodka, tequila, Jim Beam whiskey, and Bacardi rum. A man who gave boys nicknames like Doo Doo Head and Blowhole."

While Mr. Priscilla Presley’s PR machine runs non-stop to deflect how Mikey is indeed a very troubled man, his upcoming trial (now in jury selection mode) should blow the Robert Blake murder trial into oblivion. Think you had too much of Scott Peterson? (And if you have seen anything at all of the TV appearances of Amber Frey, you know she is as ignorant as a hammer, and might earn a copyright on the words "silly blonde." Her 15 minutes would have been up already if the people covering her could count that high.) But just wait for MJ to get on the stand. Fortunately, this spectacle will eclipse any of those old, boring news stories, such as how our soldiers are being murdered in Iraq for no good reason, or the GOP’s raid on Social Security. Speaking of Blowholes . . .

TAKING THE PLUNGE

The always daring (read: incredibly stupid) Phillipe decided to take part this year in the New Year’s Day Penguin Plunge in Jamestown. Although he had done it twice in the 1990s, P. seemed to have hung up his Speedo until the beautiful weather prompted the urge to take the ceremonial dip once again.

After racing into the water and right back out (looking like a speeded-up cartoon character) after immersing himself in the freezing water, he was shivering on the beach, attempting to extract his cojones from his mouth, where they had ascended — driven by an abrupt "shrinkage" in the lower anatomy that sounded like a Champagne cork popping. P. then noticed that right behind him, one of the swimmers had dropped to one knee and proposed marriage to his much drier girlfriend. Fortunately, the young lady said, "Yes," and it was very wet tears, hugs, and kisses all around. Talk about heart (as well as other areas) warming.

Just another touching story from the Biggest Little.

MALE BAG

Observant reader David Phayre recently sent an e-mail to Phillipe & Jorge, alerting us to a possible breach of good taste by the esteemed Ward Cleaver of the Urinal, columnist Mark Patinkin, in his piece from January 4: "I’m looking so chill I’ll be macking on the shorties before I know it." Phayre says he sent the Big Pink One the following e-mail:

Hey Mark,

Thanks, for an always interesting read. Maybe too interesting this time. I may be 45 years old, but to my knowledge "Macking" from McDonald’s, or the Big Mac, means to eat. "Shorties" refers to the short hairs, or pubic hairs. I believe you just told your readers, in a headline no less, that you’ll be performing cunnilingus before you know it. This could be where the phrase "another satisfied reader" comes from. I think you’ve been "played" by your nephew and his friend.

Respect, Dave Phayre

After extensively researching this claim, we have discovered that "macking" can indeed mean eating, although the usage in terms of hitting on women is so widespread that there’s even a Web site called www.advancedmacking.com. (In fairness to Mark, it should also be noted that columnists do not always write their own headlines.) "Shorties" refers at least to ’utes, as our cousin Vinny would say. However, as Jorge astutely points out, rather than relying on aging white clowns, like your superior correspondents, interpreting teenagers’ street slang, perhaps an informed young hipster of color might try to enlighten us to the proper meaning.

Nice work, "Mackin’ Mark" P.

THANKS, DAD

What a charmer that Joe Kennedy, bootlegger and scion of the Hyannisport/Boston clan of politicians was. We mention this on the announcement of the death of his daughter, Rosemary, sister of JFK, Bobby, and Fat Teddy, who died at age 86 in Wisconsin this past week, not far from where she spent most of her life in an institution.

Why was she there? Well, since Rosemary was born with retardation, Daddy decided that rather than embarrass the family, it would be a great idea to calm her down a bit by ordering her up a lobotomy. As Martin Weil reported in the Washington Post, "She was ‘probably the first mentally retarded person to receive a lobotomy,’ Jack El-Hai wrote in a 2001 article in the Washington Post Magazine . . . A 1987 Post excerpt of a book by historian Doris Kearns Goodwin said that to Miss Kennedy’s father, Joseph P. Kennedy Sr., a lobotomy — a brain operation then regarded as a miracle treatment — was an obvious solution to the frustrations she experienced in trying to find a place for herself in a hard-driving family."

Well, we certainly don’t want some softheaded individual in a "hard-driving family," do we? Unfortunately, the cutting-edge technique went very poorly in Rosemary’s case. But you just can’t have someone out there making the rest of us look bad, can you? Mr. Kennedy, meet Nurse Ratched. A match made in, well, wherever Joe is right now.

Send spring training tickets and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.