A confederacy of dunces

Well, here is where we have ended up by electing the delusional and deadly Dubya Bush to another term.

Boy George is stacking the government with a confederacy of dunces, led by Condoleezza Rice, his personal mynah bird and professional Bush family sycophant. This Aunt Thomasina with the ’50s Ebony process-job hairdo, who probably has a 200-watt vibrator nicknamed "George" in her boudoir, is now secretary of state, a job so over her prevaricating head that it is frightening. (Say goodbye, "Wind Dummy" Colin Powell, who has seen his political career and legacy beaten deep into the ground by his lack of guts in not calling Georgie Boy and his neo-con fanatics to task. Tough luck, General. Military Man to Milk Man. At least you got your kid a job with the FCC.)

There is no way, given Rice’s track record of lying to Congress and the American public that she should be confirmed by the Senate, yet she will breeze through. Only people with the guts of our own Little Big Man, Senator Jack Reed, are likely to call her to account by using her own words. Not only do we have the tapes on this, we even have videotapes of her lying. Is ANYONE paying attention? Meanwhile, Dubya the Dumb is stacking all sorts of other posts with his inbred Texas cronies, none of whom appear to have had enough brains to graduate junior high.

If this is an indicator of what is to come, look for Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed to lead the list of Supreme Court nominees under duck-hunting Chief Justice Tony Scalia, while John Kerry and his Democratic elite search for someone to blame for handing over our government to a witless little former male cheerleader. Look in a mirror, Mr. Why the Long Face?

Be afraid, America. Be very afraid.

BLACK AND WHITE

Quite a tempest over Nicollette Sheridan and Terrell Owens’s Monday Night Football teaser, eh? Too bad this is not being represented for what it really is: our old friend racism rearing its ugly head again.

Sheridan, who stars in Desperate Housewives on ABC, was in a skit that had her drop a towel with Owens in an empty locker room, before jumping into his arms. Even though the ads for Desperate Housewives are far more prurient than this, the skit purportedly drew angry phone calls to the network from MNF viewers — yeah, the beer-chugging, prole-strap cap-wearing morons in the replica jerseys — who said they found it offensive. Unlike the beer ads featuring women mud wrestling and insipid innuendo about female "twins." The real problem is how Sheridan is a "blond bombshell" — she looks less than brilliant due to what appears to be extensive plastic surgery — and Owens is a black man given to over the top antics.

Don’t believe us that the outrage was due to the black man-seduced-by-white woman scenario? Let ABC try another promo in the future that we suggest for Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Pick out the network’s top seven 18-plus hotties and pair them up with the NFL’s biggest, baddest, and best-looking black studs, with all the little chickies dressed in conservative gingham gowns and the players in cowboy outfits, and then have them all do a little close square-dancing. Then we watch the switchboard light up. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Yee-haw!

JIM IN THE JOINT?

Your superior correspondents join the massive chorus of others in imploring Judge Torres, PLEASE DO NOT SEND JIM TARICANI TO PRISON AND PUT HIS HEALTH AT RISK! This has become one of those (pardon our political incorrectness, senors y senoritas) "Mexican standoffs," in which both parties have backed themselves into corners. Everyone (including Judge Torres) must have known that Jim would not waver on the First Amendment. We only wish the judge had been a bit more circumspect in his approach, and after weighing the import of case, backed off a bit.

Like all of you, P&J have read for some time how the legal authority to demand that a reporter reveal his or her sources stems from the Branzburg v. Hayes decision. It was decided in 1972, in a close five-to-four vote. Voting for the majority were William Rehnquist, Warren Burger, Harry Blackmun, Lewis Powell, and Byron "Whizzer" White (who wrote the decision). On the other side where William O. Douglas, William Brennan, Thurgood Marshall, and Potter "I know it when I see it" Stewart. Stewart and Douglas wrote dissents (Marshall and Brennan signed on to Stewart’s). Unfortunately, your Internet-challenged superior correspondents have been unsuccessful at dredging up the Stewart dissent from the Web. Majority opinions, it seems, are easy to find, and dissents more difficult.

One thing that strikes us about this case is Blackmun’s vote. Nixon brought Blackmun and Burger (the Minnesota twins) onto the court as presumed conservatives. Indeed, Burger remained a conservative, although Blackmun moved to the left. The speculation is that his experience in wrestling with Roe v. Wade (he wrote the decision), and his growing closeness with Justice Brennan, the great civil libertarian, moved him to become more progressive. If this is true, and if Branzburg v. Hayes had been decided in 1974 or 1975, rather than 1972, there may have been a different outcome, and Jim Taricani would not be a facing a very real threat to his life.

SHAMELESS PLUG

Steve Brosnihan, who has contributed many fine illustrations to the Phoenix over the years (and is a swell guy to boot), has created something unique for Red Sox Nation. His "2004 Boston Baseball Players . . . can be puzzling" drawing is now available on eBay and through Steve’s Web site (www.stevebcartoons.com). This two-sided, black and white print turns the names of 17 of this year’s Red Sox champion players into rebus, or puzzle, drawings. It is 11 by 14 inches and laminated. The prints are also stamped, signed, and numbered.

Twenty percent of the profit from the sale of these is being donated to the Tomorrow Fund for children with cancer. These prints have shown themselves to be very popular with Red Sox fans. They are a great idea for a holiday gift. Steve’s also been hearing a lot of people comment that they will be passed around at the Thanksgiving Day table in lieu of less mentally active entertainment options. Sounds good to us, especially for those folks out there who like to support local artists and the like.

IT'S IN THE BAG

Hats off to the Urinal for its wonderful pieces showing the web of ties between State House legislators, CVS, and our friends at Blue Cross, Ben Dover and Co. What a surprise to learn that above and beyond the disgraced former legislators John Celona and Bill "Little Napoleon" Irons, old Smith Hill boy Gerry Martineau also had an undisclosed conflict.

The quote of the week, which really sums up the whole situation, is from Blue Cross spokesman Scott Fraser. Describing his company’s deal with Martineau, the literal "bag man" for Blue Cross and CVS, Fraser told the Other Paper: "[Martineau] received fair value for his services, and we got what we paid for."

Hmmmm, what might that mean?

Sleep tight, senior citizens.

A FAMILY AFFAIR

P&J’s sympathies go out to our friends in the family of Harvey Bennett, the professional and local hockey legend from Cranston, who cranked out excellent hockey progeny seemingly at will.

Bennett, who grew up with the wonderful Chuck "Heckle and Jeckle" Scherza in Regina, Saskatchewan (inside P&J joke here about Chinese food that we won’t mention), was a goaltender and played with Scherza with the Boston Bruins and then Rhode Island Reds before they made their homes here. Big Harvey and his wife then produced the Bennett brothers: Curt, the best US player in the NHL for years, and John, who also played professionally — both of whom Phillipe went to school with at Brown — and P&J pals, Harvey, Billy and Jimmy, the latter a former candidate for governor. Put the father in goal and you had a team that few could top.

Our condolences to all in the Bennett family. But talk about your Zamboni gene pool!

MORE LOOSE TALK

Cranston Mayor Steven "Laugh-at-Me" Laffey continues his reign as the undisputed exaggeration king of Vo Dilun. Last week, he proclaimed a "major victory" in the decision of a lawsuit involving the city and the ACLU. Indeed, the city won the lawsuit, but a more sober-minded reading of the judgment by US District Court Judge William E. Smith leads one to conclude that it was a rather mixed verdict. (Not that anything is nuanced in Laugh-at-Me’s black-and-white worldview).

What really irritated P&J was Laugh-at-Me’s gratuitous slaps at the plaintiff, Grace Osediacz. In an article in last Thursday’s Cranston Herald, Laffey was quoted as saying, "There are always some Scrooges. The Grinch comes to mind," and "I hope her heart grows two sizes tonight."

Obviously, Laffey does not know Grace Osediacz. We suspect that he hasn’t even met her. P&J, however, do know Grace. We have known her for decades, and can tell Laugh-at-Me that her heart is twice as big as his biggest empty boasts (which is really saying something). It steams us that a poseur like Laffey has anything to say about a woman with the integrity and soul of Grace Osediacz. Grow up, Laffey. Your poisoned radio talk-show-level brain is showing.

SO LONG, OSKAR

Count your superior correspondents among those who consider our state exceedingly fortunate to have had the opportunity to experience the magical presence of Oskar Eustis for an entire decade. He is an altogether inspiring and great artist. May he go on to even greater accomplishments in Gotham.

OUR NEW MOTTO

P&J have always been fascinated by the billboards and plaques posted throughout the state featuring quotes from Alan Shawn Feinstein, the ubiquitous Biggest Little philanthropist. They have become so omnipresent that we figure the next logical step would be to rename the state, "Rhode Island and Feinstein Plantations."

We are inspired by such powerful maxims as, "Helping to better the lives of others is the greatest of all achievements." (Of course, to experience the true gravitas of this, one needs to imagine it in the unique voice of A.S.F. himself.) Your superior correspondents have nonetheless decided to come up with a motto of our own. We’re not exactly sure what it will be, but we’d like to run this one by you: "Helping people gain access to trading cards, coins, and other collectibles of dubious value is not necessarily a great achievement, but it can be lucrative."

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