’Utes unite!

Okay, you slackers. You hold the presidential election in your video game-calloused hands. By turning out at the polls, you can make the biggest difference in political history since, well, Dewey versus Truman, or maybe just Dubya not revealing until after he got elected that he has personal heart-to-hearts with the Big Sir while gagging on pretzels.

This election will not be over on November 3, trust us. There is going to be enough blatant vote-rigging to make a South American dictator blush, although Dubya’s troops will blame it all on liberal paranoia, while Karen Hughes runs from the spin room to the Lincoln bedroom to celebrate by watching Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! with "Big Time" Cheney’s daughter, a 10-strand link of chourico, and a gallon can of Mazola.

This should undermine what little faith the rest of the world still has in our politicians and credibility, as they watch Jeb and his goon squad disqualify every black voter in Florida to tip the scales in Dubya’s direction. Meanwhile, the Dems will engage in a hand-wringing orgy that will get us right where it did before — in the Supreme Court, getting bent over the bar by "Lon" Cheney’s hunting buddy Tony Scalia, pill-popping Bill Rehnquist, his former squeeze Sandy "Loosen Up, Baby" O’Connor, and Clarence "Coke Can" Thomas.

God bless America.

PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF

Don’t you just love the bleating, whining, and caterwauling by the pompous punks at Blue Cross now that the state government — Donald L. Carcieri, proprietor — has pulled the rug from beneath them?

Face the facts. Given the expose of Blue Cross’s appalling excesses in lining the pockets of its execs and board of directors, they knew "The Don" was gunning for them. Competitors United Healthcare, who just aced them out for a state contract being contested by Blue Cross, could have sent in a crayon-scrawled bid on a Betty Ford Clinic cocktail napkin and it would have been chosen after Blue Cross got outed for screwing the pooch so blatantly.

Hurting, Mr. and Mrs. Blue Cross? Sorry, no can reimburse — your papers don’t seem to be in order. Take 200 aspirin and call us in the morning.

END OF THE WORLD

Don’t say no/It’s the end of the world
— Skeeter Davis

Although your superior correspondents generally do not find apocalyptic scenarios very convincing, we recently started rubbing our aging, sagging chins, began shuddering in fright, and cut by half the already sparse quantity of grapefruit in our Pernod. First, it is starting to look as if Boston Red Sox might actually win the World Series. As deadline approaches, game four from St. Louis is about to start, and of course, the Old Towne Team’s fortunes can always turn on a dime. But damn it, we really do believe.

If that isn’t cosmic enough for you, there is this little thing called "Election 2004." Mr. Apocalypse Bow Wow, a.k.a. George W. Bush, is intent on teaching all us wimpy "reality-based" Americans a lesson. He is building an empire, God is his co-pilot, and anyone who has doubts about the commander-in-grief’s black-and-white world is a traitor. We understand that if Bush/Cheney win reelection, Dickey Poo will pull down his trousers to flaunt to the world the "666" tattooed on his buttocks. Be afraid — be very afraid.

And the quotation from Skeeter Davis’s biggest pop hit of the ’60s? She died last month. Three weeks from now, we hope to have a column out, but from where we sit at Casa Diablo at this very moment, all bets are off.

BASIC AMERICAN HYPOCRISY

There are a lot of things that we good citizens of the USA would rather not acknowledge. For example, we love the old collegiate rah-rah sports competition, but would rather not think about how it is not infrequently rotten to the core, having nothing to do with education (which is what we thought college was supposed to be all about).

We were thinking of another classic example last week as we read the story about Judge Daniel Procaccini ordering DNA testing in the case of Raymond "Beaver" Tempest, who was convicted in a notorious ’90s murder trial. The story noted that prosecutors "strenuously" objected to the testing and did not want to reopen the case.

Did the prosecution’s objections have anything to do with the reliability of the DNA testing? Well, they made some tortured argument to that effect, but it was nonsense. Here’s the truth. Prosecutors take a pledge — something to do with pursuing or seeking justice. Once they have charged someone, though, they will do virtually anything to prove their case. It is all about their careers, and sometimes the pursuit of justice might harm those careers because it will show that someone who has been found guilty was, well, not guilty. And guess what becomes more important, career or justice?

P&J have a little faith in the criminal justice system. On paper, it’s brilliant. In practice, it can be a different story. In more than 90 percent of the cases that come to trial, the state has an overwhelming advantage. We don’t dislike prosecutors, we just want them to be as thoughtful and judicious as they have pledged to be.

ART MAJOR

There was an excellent piece by Ian Donnis in the "This just in" section of last week’s Phoenix on the abysmal and abhorrent treatment given to Urinal sports editor Art Martone. Art was frog-marched out of his office for a suspected improper payment to a stringer, a weak charge at best. But since the wonderful folks at Belo have been nailed for padding their circulation figures in Dallas, we guess someone had to be the scapegoat, no matter how far-fetched the reasoning.

What was rewarding — to P&J and for Art himself — was the wonderful outpouring of support he received from his colleagues and outsiders who know and respect the tremendous job he has done as king of the toy department on Fountain Street. Martone’s writing staff is unmatched, the coverage of major and high school sports is a model for gaining local readership, and he’s an all-around class act. Naturally, the courageous leadership at the state’s organ of record, as usual, didn’t want to comment on the situation. This is the kind of openness we like to see from a free press, whose leaders would be highly indignant, huffing and puffing, if they were similarly stonewalled by a public figure.

Artie, they ain’t even in your league as a real man. We’ll save you one in the bleachers at Casa D.

MORE JUSTICE FOR ALL

P&J recently received this e-mail from a friend. On the cusp of a very important national election, we thought you might want to hear this tale of our federal government’s priorities and concerns:

Thought you guys might be interested in this story. I was one of a committee of a half-dozen folks (the Rhode Island Justice and Peace Advocacy Coalition) that introduced a resolution to the state legislature earlier this year in defense of civil liberties and expressing concern over certain provisions of the Patriot Act. The resolution was referred to the Constitution and Gaming Committee. Although some of the senators on the committee were enthusiastic about the resolution, it never moved out of committee and we were told not to expect it to be acted on. Today, I was talking to one of the other members of our committee and she said she was told by a state senator that John Ashcroft called the president of the Senate (that would be Joseph Montalbano) to express his "disappointment" that RI was considering a Patriot Act resolution, and that he hoped that nothing would come of it. I asked her if she meant someone from Ashcroft’s office made the call, and she said no, it was Ashcroft himself. As I am one of the authors of the resolution, I’m hoping that I don’t end up on the end of a prison guard’s leash at Guantanamo Bay!

Peace,
Michael

FINAL ELECTION THOUGHTS

If this hasn’t already happened, you can bet the farm that the BeloJo will endorse George W. Bush for president. Not that anyone who actually works for the Providence newspaper has any real input on such matters. You can bet your buttocks that editorial page editor Bob Whitcomb, a guy who P&J admire and respect, was kept out of the loop on this one. It’s the Texas boys (all in bed with Dubya) and their local representative, Howard Sutton, who are calling the shots. Take it from P&J — we’d be shocked if even 20 percent of the people who work for and create the Urinal are voting for Bush. This is completely the Texas-based owners’ call.

You can fully expect that the Phoenix will not be endorsing Dubya. This is largely our non-asshole owner’s call. (Unlike so many of the self-important blowhards we’ve met in this business, Stephen Mindich is a truly stand-up guy, a real mensch. And we know we don’t need to blow smoke up his ass. It’s just the truth.)

There are many General Assembly seats and two US congressional races up for grabs, as well as a handful of referendum issues. We feel strongly enough about referendum Questions One (Separation of Powers); Five (Higher Education Residence Halls); Six (Cranston Street Armory), Eight (Open Space, Recreation, Bay and Watershed Protection); and Nine (Pell Library-Undersea Exploration Center) to urge you to vote "yes."

(Disclosure: Phillipe has been actively engaged in promoting Questions Eight for Open Space, Clean Water, and Nine for the Pell Center Undersea Exploration Laboratory. To this, we say with customary dignity and eloquence: tough shit, conflicted or not, we’re pumping these babies until they come in approved by 99 percent of the voters.

(Rhode Islanders’ inherent respect and support for the environment is unparalleled. We may be one of the few states that actually gets how important our natural resources are not just for our quality of life, but our economy. There is no more fiscally responsible bond, packing an incredible economic wallop in matching funds for open space and a revolving loan fund for clean water, than Question Eight. Question Nine, backing a nonpareil scientific learning system with statewide benefits, is also a no-brainer. Vote "Yes" on both of these. As the famed Little Rhody saying goes, "You’ll be glad you did.")

Meanwhile, Patrick J. Kennedy has cojones and tells it like it is. It doesn’t matter to us that "he has never had to work a [expletive] day in his life," because he has worked pretty hard for Rhode Island, (mostly) for the things that we want. We support Patrick. In the Second Congressional District, Jim Langevin has served us well, but we will be voting for Ed Morabito. We don’t expect that he will win, but Morabito, a guy who knows the inside game, has the courage to call a spade a spade, to be a truly independent and honest voice. Your superior correspondents are mightily impressed with Ed Morabito. Vote for him and then go downtown and get a Cuban sandwich at his shop for lunch.

Send a Democratic president and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j@ phx.com.