Grand Guignol in the dirt

Forget the London Symphony, the Moscow Ballet, or the shows on Broadway. The best theater in the world is taking place over the next week-plus at Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park, when the Yankees play the Red Sox for the American League pennant.

There is little space left in the Boom Boom Room at Casa Diablo, save for obstructed viewing angles of the 72-inch plasma HDTV screen. That’s because Phillipe & Jorge have already set up shrines to Johnny Damon, Jason Varitek, and Curt Schilling along one wall, while the opposite side of the room is now dedicated to a Santeria ceremonial area for "Big Papi" Ortiz, Petey Martinez, and Manny Ramirez.

Even the presidential campaign will take a back seat to this clash of the titans, in which the supreme arrogance of New York’s Evil Empire meets the angst, fear, and loathing of Red Sox Nation. Never mind the remarks of "You better not wish for something . . . you might get it" that followed any true BoSox fans’ desire to get to the World Series the hard way, by beating the Yanks. It’s a pride thing, and P&J believe the victory will be all the more sweet for doing it this way.

A LIAR AND DUMB, TOO

Are we talking about Dubya Bush here? No. More like the equally delusional congenital liar Veep Dick "Big Time" Cheney, who tried to be cute during his debate with John Edwards, and instead opened a wonderful can of worms for himself and his marionette partner, Boy George.

The New York Times reported how the disturbing "Lon" Cheney was admonishing his challenger to get his facts straight (now there’s a good one), and that the public could check out the truth by going to www.factcheck.com. (The Lon Cheney analogy is prompted by Big Time’s final statement, which — if the house lights had slowly been dimmed, and he stuck a trouble light under his chin, as Dean Stockwell did while singing "In Dreams" in Blue Velvet — would have sent half the country in for therapy the next morning.) Dubya would have said the same, but getting him to memorize a URL beyond three letters, like "cat," would be impossible.

However, when people actually followed up on Lon’s advice, they ended up with the message, "Why we must not re-elect President Bush." It seems Big Time should have cited www.factcheck.org, a nonpartisan site run by the University of Pennsylvania’s Annenberg Public Policy Center.

In one of the neater tricks of the campaign, the small "com" site (which sells educational material), was overwhelmed, so its Webmasters pulled off what they told the Times was a "creative and amusing quick fix." This involved bouncing the incoming traffic to philanthropic Kerry-supporter and Dubya-loather George Soros’s home page. (Tee-hee.) Soros’s people were bewildered (and no doubt suppressing chuckles), and said they had no idea what happened.

Back at Annenberg’s "org" address, Lon Cheney took another hit, when its director told America’s organ of record, "In fact, we did post an article pointing out that Cheney hasn’t profited personally while in office from Halliburton’s Iraq contracts, as falsely implied by a Kerry TV ad. But Edwards was talking about Cheney’s responsibility for earlier Halliburton troubles. And in fact, Edwards was mostly right." When you are dealing with the outright Bushit that America’s mass media accept like willing lapdogs from Georgie Boy’s truth-challenged White House, it is hardly surprising that Edwards was indeed correct.

P&J agree with the Times’ columnist Paul Krugman’s assessment in his October 11 op-ed piece: when you go nitpicking John Kerry’s utterances at the same level with the outright lies of Dubya, Lon, Queen Lotsateetha Rice (she of the personal appliance made of aluminum "nuclear weapons" tubes), and the aging torturer of Abu Ghraib, Rummy Rumsfeld, you are "betraying" the American public.

Sleep tight, Edward R. Murrow and H.L. Mencken.

BRING 'EM ON!

On the football side of the New England sports scene, isn’t it fun to watch the 1973 Miami Dolphins, who compiled a 17-0 undefeated record, turn into whining, preening old queens because of how the New England Patriots have beaten their famous unbeaten run? They’re ready for their close-up now, Mr. DeMille.

THOSE WHO CAN'T DO

P&J got an interesting factoid while on the golf course out in Acushnet, Massachusetts, recently.

Acushnet is the home of Titleist, the golf equipment manufacturer most renowned for its golf balls. The current state of the art model made by Titleist, called the "Pro V," is used by many of the professionals on the PGA tour because of its high all-around quality and the distance it travels.

While on the Acushnet course, we were hooked up in a foursome with a man who casually told us as we played that he is the materials buyer for all the elements in a Titleist golf ball, a melange of products purchased from all over the world. He then said, "But I’m the third worst golfer at Titleist [where nearly everyone plays]. The second worst is my boss. And the worst is the woman who designed the Pro V. She’s an engineer from Taiwan. She didn’t even play, but now she’s trying to learn."

Yep, all you Titleist Pro V fans — the young lady from Taipei just knows how to design ’em, but she can’t hit ’em. Science over sport. Sleep tight, Mr. Wizard

SUNDAY'S A GREEN DAY

Although Smilin’ John Edwards didn’t make it to Providence last month for his big fundraiser, another national ticket candidate will be in town this week, and we can almost guarantee you that he’ll be more interesting than the Democratic vice presidential candidate. The man in question is David Cobb, standard-bearer for the Green Party, who’ll be in Providence on Sunday, October 17. He’ll be at Wilson Hall on the campus of Brown University at 3 p.m., and he’ll speak at AS220 at 7 p.m. Cobb has been to Our Little Towne before, and those who caught him say he is a very, very good speaker.

KARL ROVE IS HAPPY TO MEET YOU

Chances are that we’ll never get to the bottom of this one, but P&J’s favorite debate sideshow so far has to do with the mysterious, rectangular shaped bulge formed near the shoulder blades in the back of President Bush’s suit jacket during the first presidential debate. When a photograph of the bulge first materialized, White House factotums claimed that it must have been a doctored image. However, after closer examination of the television footage of the debate, it became apparent that the bulge was real and perfectly rectangular.

Still, the Bush campaign claims it was "most likely a rumpling of that portion of his suit jacket, a wrinkle in the fabric," as Bush communications director Nicolle Devenish told the New York Times. Speculation centers around the theory that the bulge was some sort of high-tech transmitter, so Karl Rove could whisper lines to his boy Dubya. It could also be that the president bunched up his satanic tail and put it in a small box, so that it wouldn’t wave out from beneath a trouser leg.

THE LAST HURRAH

P&J find ourselves in a bind as we go to press before the final presidential debate in Arizona. The problem is that some people actually believe what Dubya and his minions say. If he sneaks by this hurdle, he may actually dupe the Moron Majority once again, and we won’t know until after this esteemed rag has gone to bed.

The redeeming news is how the number of registered voters is rising rapidly. While some dimwitted commentators say that this is the result of Rove energizing the radical religious, we do not buy it. It seems more to reflect the growing number of people who have noticed the emperor is naked as a jaybird, are sick of having their intelligence insulted — especially by someone who doesn’t have any brains to begin with — and are mad as hell and not going to take it any more.

At least that is Phillipe & Jorge’s hope. If you understand what a horror show a GOP victory will visit upon the citizens of this country for years to come, get out and pull that lever for John Kerry. You can go home and shower immediately afterward, as we did after voting for Al Gore, but do the right thing. Your nation needs you.

GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

"When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up." These words came from one of the immortals, Rodney Dangerfield. Rest in peace, Rodney. Word is that marijuana is deregulated in heaven.

Respects to you, too, Christopher Reeve. Confronted with real tragedy and horror, in the form of an accident that virtually took away his body, Reeve proved to be more of a super hero than he ever was on screen. He was the real deal.

And finally, so long to "Curly Jacques" Derrida, the Algerian-born French philosopher and intellectual. For a short time, he was the last of the Three Stooges, after the even shorter stay (about 20 minutes) of Joe Besser. That one man could be involved in two of the most incomprehensible concepts of the 20th-century (deconstructionism and the notion that three ancient vaudeville comics could be funny by beating each other with objects both sharp and blunt) is mighty impressive by Casa Diablo standards.

Derrida’s passing should also end, once and for all, the rumors that he would be on the other end of the walkie-talkie line to Kerry during the final presidential debate. Karl Rove vs. Curly Jacques — boy, we’d really like to see that one. (Just a second, Lars the houseboy is squealing from the next room. What’s that about a "Joe DeRita?" — oh, never mind.)

MORE FAIR AND BALANCED BROADCASTING

You can pretty much bet that the Maryland-based Sinclair Broadcast Group, owner of 62 television stations, will not receive a special Peabody Award next year for distinguished service. This is the same "fair and balanced" broadcast outfit that refused to broadcast Nightline this past April where Ted Koppel simply read off the names of those American service people who had been killed in Iraq.

Sinclair’s latest gambit is to demand that its 62 stations pre-empt regular programming two weeks before the November 2 election to run an anti-John Kerry documentary, Stolen Honor: Wounds that Never Heal.

Campaign finance records show that company’s executives have donated thousands of dollars to Bush’s campaign. Just imagine how loud the howls from the Republicans would be (not to mention the headlines across the country) if 62 television stations owned by George Soros chose to air Fahrenheit 9/11 two weeks before the election. So far, however, we’ve seen only minimal coverage of this Sinclair outrage. Will the Republican-controlled FCC take a few minutes away from reviewing footage of Janet Jackson’s breasts to weigh in on this?

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