The whole world is watching

Well, there’s nothing like a number of high-powered debates to get folks worked up into a lather. (And since you’re lathered up, c’mon over and see P&J sometime.)

People in the rest of the world, as well as many in this country, must have loved watching the first Kerry-Bush debate, marveling as the Democratic challenger mopped the floor with Dubya the Dumb. Can you imagine the horror our international friends must feel in seeing how the leader of the greatest and mightiest country in the world is a fidgety, petulant, inattentive chimp-faced man-child who is less intelligent and more delusional than North Korea’s Kim Jong Il? We won’t even get into how he is such a right-wing religious fanatic that he believes God and he have a one-on-one dialogue.

Most people have brains enough to watch the debates and make up their own mind on who prevailed. It was no surprise Kerry got a good boost in the polls, and that the White House is frightened. TV stations, however, still feel the need to expose us to their "analysts" immediately after the debate. The purported experts with the profound punditry are no more than furiously masturbating, screaming dwarves and mental midgets who are in love with themselves and their own voices. They probably spend six hours a day talking into mirrors, admiring their own pithy comments. Just when you think the spin doctors could not be more hideous than Mary Matalin or Karl Rove, the man behind the screen, here comes Karen Hughes. She’s Dubya’s Rosa Klebb, trying to browbeat the media into denying what their own lying eyes and ears just took in, vying to kick them with the poisoned blade encased in the tip of her shoe.

As P&J go to press, we are waiting with sushi-baited breath for the clash of the veep candidates, Dem John Edwards and the Republicans’ lovable and cuddly Dick "Big Time" Cheney. Were P&J stylists for the GOP, we would recommend a fast "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy with a gay daughter and lesbian-fantasizing wife" makeover.

To make Big Time more acceptable to an audience primarily composed of humans (at least north of the Mason-Dixon Line), we would make sure of the following: the side of his mouth that he speaks from should be away from the cameras, lest they get a shot of his forked tongue darting out at frequent intervals. The eyeglasses should be thick enough to not let the audience see his eyes blinking vertically. Fortunately, with the sit-down format, it is unlikely his tail will appear on camera, although we advise running it down one trouser leg and securing it with a bungee cord.

The only thing to fear is fear itself — i.e., Dick "Five Deferments" Cheney.

WILL WORK FOR FOOD

A good pal of Phillipe & Jorge’s who runs the risk of feeling a bit cash-strapped these days asked that we run this ad to aid his sagging bank balance. We can assure you that the money he earns will not go to some despicable drug, gambling, or alcohol addiction, but to unforeseen legal fees:

Have any household or yard chores you need done? I’m your man! Lots of work for little money. I am a 50-something male, strong of heart (it’s almost new, and my second!), and willing to do whatever you need. Lots of experience in digging stuff up, and working with hair care products and tanning booths. Can help fix your VCR, so your videotapes play perfectly. (And I especially love the ones about big-city crime!) Dress well, am polite, and well-spoken, so valet and waiter services at your next big party just my ticket! Call Jim T. at (800) JAR-HEAD.

STRAIGHT UP, MISTER!

Wasn’t it reassuring to see how the US House Ethics Committee "admonished" Majority Leader Tom "Cockroach Boy" DeLay, essentially for offering a bribe to a fellow House member in exchange for his vote on the Republican-supported Medicare prescription bill?

This is the second time that DeLay has been called on the carpet — however feebly — by the ethics commission, yet he continues to bull his way through the House china shop. No problem here, officer. Ethics in the House? Pull the other one, boyo.

Following the DeLay decision, the House Ethics Committee "admonished" the insurgents who recently beheaded two Americans in Iraq.

Sleep tight, Founding Fathers.

CHAFEE STANDS TALL

There was a wonderful article by Sheryl Gay Stolberg in the New York Times on Monday, October 4, about our own Senator Lincoln Chafee. (Stolberg, a former reporter for the Other Paper, moved on to more exalted heights at America’s organ of record. About 20 years ago, she was the first reporter to do a feature on Phillipe & Jorge, in the Urinal’s late and lamented Rhode Islander Magazine. Hi, Sheryl!)

But we digress. Stolberg’s article, headlined, "In the Senate, Raising a (Quiet) Republican Voice Against the Administration," points out the core reason why so many Vo Dilunduhs think so highly of Linc, including your superior correspondents. In a city full of gutter rats, he is a man of principle. That is why he has indicated he will not vote this year for Dubya, because as he told Stolberg, "As soon as victory [in 2000] was achieved [by Bush] came people with a completely different agenda than being humble [as Boy George had promised]. I regret that some of the answers to important questions weren’t more forthright and that there wasn’t more adherence to campaign rhetoric."

Well, Linc you know that campaign rhetoric is campaign rhetoric. And "forthright" isn’t in the Bushies’ vocabulary, along with loads of other words, in Dubya’s case. Rather than rolling over, Senator Chafee has stiffened his spine. After indicating that he won’t vote for Bush, he says he might write in Dubya’s daddy. Take that to Iraq with you, Georgie Boy. Rarely do we see such spine exhibited on Capitol Hill, and P&J believe this Yankee pride, courage, and common sense are the best advertisement the Biggest Little can have on the national stage.

So c’mon, Linc, do the right thing — turn independent. We know you won’t become a Democrat, but at least give Jim Jeffords someone with whom he can go out and have a beer. (Note to Steve "Laugh at me" Laffey: Not in your wildest dreams, sonny.)

P&J'S WEB SCAM

Your superior correspondents, amazed at the number of Internet scams, have decided that since we can’t beat them (we keep getting a half-dozen e-mails a week), we’ll join them. Here’s our scam. We hope you like it and send us lots of money:

Dear Friend,

As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is (for security purposes) Joseph T. Blow. I am a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with esophageal cancer (or was that Glubabluba cancer, I’m not exactly sure). According to medical experts (Marcus Welby, Dr. Lovemonkey, et al), I have only a few months to live. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone, only my business. I am, however, very rich. I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members, as well as a few close friends.

I have also decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria, and Malaysia (ones that are difficult for troublemakers who question the veracity of this e-mail to trace). Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, but they refused and kept the money to themselves. This explains why I am turning to absolute strangers on the Internet.

The last of my money, which no one knows of, is the cash deposit of $18 million that I have with a finance/security company abroad whose name I have forgotten. I want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatch it to charity organizations.

Please contact me. I have set aside 20 percent for you and for your time. All you have to do, stranger, is front me the money and then I’ll give it back plus 20 percent of $18 million. Oh, by the way, could you wire me some money for lunch. The restaurants in Dubai won’t accept the hundreds in US currency that are currently overflowing out of my wallet.

God be with you.

Joseph T. Blow

BEST BOARD MEETINGS EVER!

Your superior correspondents noticed a recent Associated Press story in the Urinal about how Jack Daniel’s, makers of fine whiskey, have lowered the alcoholic content of its standard bottle from 86 to 80 proof. A number of hardy drinkers, apparently feeling betrayed, have registered their discontent by signing on to an online petition criticizing the company.

While P&J (not Jack Daniel’s drinkers, by the way) continue to be heartened by the miracle of the Internet allowing all points of views to be aired, we were especially interested to find that Modern Drunkard magazine, a new one on us, is helping to lead the charge. We checked out Modern Drunkard online and were thrilled to find a lively forum. There was at least one article of great value to modern drunkards, a story about common injuries suffered by people when drunk and how to treat them.

In the article on Jack, editor Frank Kelly Rich complained, "You can’t screw around with a legend like that and get away with it." He went on to point out that he has switched to Maker’s Mark, adding, "Some of our board members drink three bottles a week." These would appear to be better board meetings than even the local Blue Cross get-togethers. We’d just like to know how we can get on that board short of drinking three bottles a week.

COMING, MOTHER

RIP Janet Leigh, the wonderful actress who made taking a nocturnal shower alone at home a very new and extremely heart-thumping paranoid experience for an entire generation.

ART NEWS

One of P&J’s good friends is Lloyd Matsumoto, a biology professor at RIC, longtime ACLU member, and a wonderful artist to boot. Lloyd is a gardener who grows beautiful flowers and then arranges them to produce magnificent color photographs. The photographs are dramatic and stunning. He has had a few shows around Rhode Island, but his photographs will soon be displayed at the iChrome Gallery in Manhattan (the gallery is at 133 West 25th St., and the show opens October 16). We congratulate Lloyd, but have to wonder why the Bannister Gallery at RIC, which has featured many top-notch displays over the past few years, has not caught on to this great local talent. When do we get to see a Matsumoto showing on home turf?

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