Cop killers

If any local police department or chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police lends its support or endorsement to the Bush-Cheney presidential ticket, they should be taken out and shot. Actually, Dubya, Big Time, and their GOP brethren in Congress might have already gone a long way toward having a few cops blown away.

P&J refer, of course, to Boy George and a fellow Texan, US Representative Tom "Cockroach Boy" DeLay, allowing the law banning the sale of many kinds of semiautomatic assault weapons to expire, despite Georgie’s promise to renew it. (Dubya tell a lie? How could we suggest such a thing!) Naturally, President AWOL is hiding behind the likes of DeLay, saying it was in the hands of Congress. A real man, that President Flight Suit. Meanwhile, the GOP and Dubya were furiously sucking the fleshy gun barrels of the National Rifle Association, whose votes are obviously worth more than the lives of police officers and other innocents.

The ban had been in place for 10 years, and many law enforcement officers believe it decreased the number of their colleagues who were killed in the line of duty. Hats off to our own Little Big Man, US Senator Jack Reed, and his counterpart, US Senator Linc Chafee, for taking the same line as the police, pointing out not only Dubya’s duplicity, but also his lack of leadership on the issue.

Then again, why should we be surprised? W’s running mate, the deplorable and abhorrent Big Time, was one of only 21 members of Congress to vote in 1985 against a ban on "cop killer" armor-piercing bullets. Three years later, he was only one of four members of the House to vote against a ban on plastic guns that could avoid detection by airport security machines. Mr. Cheney, meet Mr. bin Laden. He would like to extend his thanks for your thoughtfulness.

FANCY A SWIFT NAUGHTIE?

Well, maybe P&J have been wrong about Secretary of State Colin Powell having made a pre-death organ donation of his testicles to Dubya’s chicken hawks, the ones got us into such a wonderful spot in Iraq. (More than 1000 Americans dead! Mission accomplished! Sounds like a McDonald’s marquee.)

The Observer reports that BBC broadcaster James Naughtie has a new book, The Accidental American: Tony Blair and the Presidency, in which he claims that Powell, while speaking on the phone prior to the war with British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw, described the Bush administration’s neo-cons as "fucking crazies." Naughtie identifies the "fucking crazies" as President Big Time Cheney, septuagenarian warmonger and Abu Ghraib unofficial prison warden Donald Rumsfeld, and Rummy’s spittle-coifed deputy, Paul Wolfowitz.

Naturally, old Colin and Mr. Straw are squealing like stuck pigs and denying the account. But they are not threatening legal action, which says a great deal. And the publishers are actually using the "fucking crazies" quote on the book’s dust jacket, which is a nice little turn of the screw on Powell.

What would you give to be a fly on the wall the next time that Powell, Dubya, Big Time, Rummy, and Wolfie get together in the same room? Good on ya, Colin.

MR. FLIP-FLOP

One of the highlights of the Republican National Convention was when the delegates starting chiming in "flip-flop" when speakers brought up the congressional voting record of John Kerry. Well, let’s talk about the other Mr. Flip-Flop, their "steadfast" boy — Mr. Black and White, George W. Bush.

How about when the president "changed his mind" on the subject of political advertising by 527 groups? In 2000, Bush strongly defended such advertising as "what freedom of speech is all about." Whoops, thanks to George Soros, the Dems have outspent Dubya on this, so now he condemns such ads (and, apparently, "freedom of speech") as "bad for the system." Flip-flop!

What about whether the US will win the war on terrorism? For years, Bush has repeatedly made such firm pronouncements as, "Let me be clear about this: We will win the war on terrorism." In an interview broadcast on August 30, however, Bush abruptly changed his mind. Asked whether we can we win the war on terror, Bush said, "I don’t think you can win it." When it was pointed out that he fucked up (probably by butt-boy Rove), the steady, resolute Bush backpedaled swiftly, declaring, "We will win" the war on terror. (Of course, he claimed that he was, in Bush-speak, "misinterpretated.") Flip-flop!

He also switched positions on a Homeland Security department. First, he was against it, then for it. Flip-flop! And how about the 9/11 commission that he was against, then for? Flip-flop! Carbon dioxide emissions? Flip-flop! Patients’ rights legislation? Flip-flop! Investigating WMD intelligence failures? Flip-flop! Nation building? Flip-flop! The assault weapons ban? Flip-flop! The importance of capturing Osama bin Laden? (In September 2001, Bush said he wanted bin Laden "dead or alive." In March 2002, he said, "I just don’t spend that much time on him . . . I truly am not that concerned about him." Flip-flop!)

The one thing that most distinguishes Bush’s flip flops over Kerry’s is that Kerry’s seem to come from a sense of thoughtfulness and realpolitik while Bush’s stem from pandering to his supporters. Bush is not "strong," and he is not resolute. On foreign policy, he is a pawn of the neo-con. On domestic/economic/environmental policy, he is the pawn of the good ole boys that contribute to his war chest. He is an embarrassment, not a hero. Any questions?

ANOTHER EMBARRASSMENT

Most might not remember that Zell-boy "From Hell" Miller got into politics thanks to the good offices of that fine humanitarian, former Georgia governor Lester Maddox. He initially got into the Senate by appointment by former Georgia governor Roy Barnes.

We also note an e-mail sent to Miller by another former Peach State governor, Jimmy Carter, the former president: "Great Georgia Democrats who served in the past, including Walter George, Richard Russell, Herman Talmadge, and Sam Nunn, disagreed strongly with the policies of Franklin Roosevelt, Harry Truman, John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, and me, but they remained loyal to the party in which they gained their public office. Other Democrats, because of philosophical differences or the race issue, like Bo Callaway and Strom Thurmond, at least had the decency to become Republicans.

"Everyone knows that you were chosen to speak at the Republican Convention because of your being a ‘Democrat,’ and it’s quite possible that your rabid and mean-spirited speech damaged our party and paid the Republicans some transient dividends.

"Perhaps more troublesome of all is seeing you adopt an established and very effective Republican campaign technique of destroying the character of opponents by wild and false allegations. The Bush campaign’s personal attacks on the character of John McCain in South Carolina in 2000 was a vivid example. The claim that war hero Max Cleland was a disloyal American and an ally of Osama bin Laden should have given you pause, but you have joined in this ploy by your bizarre claims that another war hero, John Kerry, would not defend the security of our nation except with spitballs. (This is the same man whom you described previously as, ‘One of this nation’s authentic heroes, one of this party’s best-known and greatest leaders — and a good friend.’)

"I, myself, never claimed to have been a war hero, but I served in the Navy from 1942 to 1953, and, as president, greatly strengthened our military forces and protected our nation and its interests in every way. I don’t believe this warrants your referring to me as a pacifist.

"Zell, I have known you for 42 years and have, in the past, respected you as a trustworthy political leader and a personal friend. But now, there are many of us loyal Democrats who feel uncomfortable in seeing that you have chosen the rich over the poor, unilateral preemptive war over a strong nation united with others for peace, lies and obfuscation over the truth, and the political technique of personal character assassination as a way to win elections or to garner a few moments of applause. These are not the characteristics of great Democrats whose legacy you and I have inherited."

Go tell it on the mountain, Jimmy.

X-LAX

You could air a TV show of puppies being bludgeoned to death with baseball bats in prime time and it wouldn’t get worse reviews than the first showing of LAX, supposedly set at Los Angeles International Airport. Starring the talent-less bimbo Heather Locklear and Blair Underwood, who will no doubt shortly be in court for strangling his agent for getting him into this turkey, NBC has the biggest gobbler on its hands in recent history.

Mark Washburn of Knight Ridder Newspapers, in a review printed in the Urinal, calls Locklear’s Harley Random character "a 7.2 on the Whack Job seismograph," and describes how LAX lacks:

• "A single believable character, and that includes the dog.

• "Even a wisp of realism.

• "Any resemblance to airports of your acquaintance."

Washburn also says of one character in an implausible scenario, "Before the credits are done rolling in tonight’s episode, the chief poobah administrator of Los Angeles International Airport steps onto the runway and bids a jumbo jet to hit him. It does. And you’ll envy him. He doesn’t have to stick around for the rest of the show."

Meanwhile, Alessandra Stanley of the New York Times was no less impressed by the god-awfulness of LAX, pointing out one of the more unbelievable scenarios: "Put it this way: despite every effort to ennoble the airport management staff, viewers are still going to root for the drunken Serbian flight crew that decides to fly out of LAX, passenger safety and blood alcohol levels be damned. (Harley offers to sleep with the pilot if he will bring the plane back to the gate.)"

Yes, that’s right — a cockpit full of drunken Serbs. Naturally, P&J can only give you one bit of advice: don’t miss it.

OLD FRIENDS

Three weeks ago, P&J played in the first Jimmy Doorley memorial golf tournament, which ended in a touching ceremony when his brother, former Providence mayor Joe Doorley, sprinkled Jimmy’s ashes on the ninth green at Jamestown Golf Course, before a large crowd of Jimmy’s old friends.

This week, one of Jimmy’s best friends, Fran Reardon, passed away. Like Jimmy, Frannie was a longtime teacher, with the kindest of souls, and will be greatly missed by all his friends, among whom P&J are proud to be included. We know that when Jimmy and Fran meet up in the afterlife, these two inseparable pals will have a football pool up and running in no time. Take the Patriots and give eight points, St. Peter. And thanks for the memories, Frannie.

Send enriched peanuts and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j@ phx.com.