Belo me down, matey

Oops, was that the Belo Corporation, owner of our beloved Providence Urinal, that just got popped for inflating the circulation figures of its Dallas Morning News? Of course it was!

Give the Urinal credit for actually reporting the transgression, since by inflating circulation figures, newspapers are able to charge advertisers more, since they believe they might actually be reaching the number of purported readers. Thus, deception was being sown by the Dallas Morning News.

Union-buster Belo chairman Robert W. Decherd pretended to be caught by surprise by the porking of advertising clients, which was believed by no one. But Urinal publisher Howard Sutton rose to the occasion, thundering, "We assure advertisers in our esteemed organ that we have never inflated our circulation figures, but unfortunately, we cannot say the same about our egos. We know every one of our 50 readers by name, and they assure us that they remain steadfast customers."

The whirring sound you hear is Michael Metcalf spinning in his grave like a lathe.

JOCKULAR

One of the biggest sporting rivalries in the world exists between Argentina’s two Buenos Aires soccer teams, River Plate and Boca Juniors, the best and most glamorous in the country. Imagine the Red Sox-Yankees hate-fest, but then give every fourth fan in the stands a stiletto and a highway flare. Now you’re getting the idea.

That’s why P&J were not surprised by World Soccer’s recent account of the last duel between the two teams, describing Boca’s tying goal in a match the Juniors went on to win in a penalty shootout after tying during regular play:

With three minutes left, Boca sent on the gifted Franco Cangele, who went straight to the byline and pulled back for Carlos Tevez to fire in left-footed. The scorer took off his shirt, imitated a chicken, and was sent off by referee Hector Baldassi for his ‘provocative’ celebration.

Unfortunately, the story did not reveal the number of chickens who may have been provoked, but we are sure they were legion. Don’t cluck for me, Argentina. Sleep tight, Evita.

SEE YA IN CHURCH

Your superior correspondents just loved the Associated Press report on the Bush family’s trip to an Episcopal church in Kennebunkport, Maine, this past Sunday. As you undoubtedly know, the whole family was up at the summer home last weekend to celebrate the nuptials of Jeb’s hunky son, known as "P." Some may say that the colloquial name for a certain bodily function is not really a fitting nickname for a member of the dynastic clan, but that’s neither here not there.

According to the widely disseminated story, it seems that the president and first lady, George H.W., former first lady Barbara, and sons Jeb, Marvin, and the sainted Neil were all attending services at the church, along with a huge number of swells from the tony neighborhood. (At least one report noted that the church parking lot was loaded with luxury automobiles.)

The Very Reverend Martin Luther Agnew, a guest ragin’ Cajun minister from Louisiana, who conducted the service (presumably along with his deacon, Mohandas Karamchand Nixon), decided that his sermon to the vacation crowd should be about giving up one’s earthly possessions. It was also reported that he used a golf club for a visual aid and told an anecdote about the senior Bush, who "sat stone-faced through the parable."

But bless that H.W. He put a check on his surly demeanor, and reverted to his best Skull and Crossbones, ancient frat boy-style by "gamely high-fiving Agnew when the priest approached the second pew." Jorge, who grew up in the Episcopal Church, cannot remember such spirited liturgical hijinks. But then again, there weren’t a whole lot of bishops or clergy out of the closet at the time either (a trend, needless to say, that P&J heartily applaud). Unfortunately, we do not believe that the sermon will have much of an effect on the Bush clan, which, after all, believes in the supply-side Jesus.

KEYES TO THE RESCUE

Desperate to win an election, any election, the national Republicans didn’t have to do too much of a hard sell to encourage the Maryland-based right-wing "political commentator" Alan Keyes to move to Illinois, post-haste, to file for a run against Barack Obama in that state’s US Senate race. You may recall that Keyes roundly criticized Hillary Clinton for pulling the same stick-a-pin-in-the-map style of electoral politics when she ran for the Senate from New York. The newly circumspect Keyes now says about the maneuver, "As a matter of principle, I don’t think it’s a good idea." (Failing to add, however, "I’m Alan Keyes, and I’ll decide what’s a real principle and what’s not.")

We anxiously await Obama wiping the floor with Mr. High Principles.

NATURAL BORN KILLERS

Since it appears to be open season on the world citizen and multi-lingual Teresa Heinz Kerry, in a spate of anti-intellectualism that marks everything typical of the Bush administration, let Phillipe & Jorge share the wealth in regard to Laura Bush, the Stepford wife of our beloved AWOL President Dubya. In case you are unaware of how Laura the Librarian, who never had to worry about keeping The Catcher In the Rye off her bookshelves — since she hasn’t been employed in a school since before it came out — spent her early years, here’s the report from the May 3, 2000 edition of USA Today:

Mrs. Bush ran stop sign in fatal crash

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — Details in a 1963 accident report say that Laura Bush, then 17, ran a stop sign in the Texas crash that killed a friend in another car. The report, adding information to previous reports of the crash, was released to The Associated Press on Wednesday.

"It was a very tragic accident that deeply affected the families and was very painful for all involved, including the community at large," said Mrs. Bush’s spokesman, Andrew Malcolm. "To this day, Mrs. Bush remains unable to talk about it."

She did say in March, when asked at a campaign stop about the crash, "I know this as an adult, and even more as a parent, it was crushing . . . for the family involved and for me as well."

There had been published accounts of the accident, but city officials had declined to release the records because those involved were under 18. The police report was released Wednesday in response to an open-records request that was submitted to Midland officials in March.

According to the two-page accident report, Laura Welch was driving her Chevrolet sedan on a clear night shortly after 8 p.m. on Nov. 6, 1963, when she drove into an intersection and struck a Corvair sedan driven by 17-year-old Michael Douglas.

Although previous news accounts have reported Douglas was thrown from the car and broke his neck, those details were not in the report.

The speed of Laura Bush’s car was illegible on the report. The speed limit for the road was 55.

Laura Bush and her passenger, Judy Dykes, also 17, were taken to a hospital and treated for minor injuries, according to an accident account printed at the time in the Midland Reporter-Telegram.

The police report indicates no charges were filed. That section of the report was left blank.

"As far as we know, no charges were filed," said Midland city attorney Keith Stretcher. "I don’t think it’s unusual that charges weren’t filed."

Of course, you or P&J would walk away from a fatal car accident without the police charging us with manslaughter, right? What a surprise that, once again, in a Bush family event deserving a great deal of scrutiny, that crime reports/military service records/ voting tabulations were not available, or incomprehensible. We are nonetheless heartened to see that in comparison to her husband, George D.W.I. Bush — famed for his liberal use of the death penalty while Texas governor, and the man who has sent off almost 1000 of America’s best and bravest to die in Iraq under false pretenses — his wife at least takes matters into her own hands.

KUDOS AND CONGRATS . . .

. . . to NBC-10 for the nice report Monday on our good friend, Lincoln Little League coach extraordinaire Randy Hien. Randy, who was severely injured by a drunk driver in a terrible automobile accident early this year, continues to slowly recover. As one of the most upbeat guys on the planet, he has never complained about his plight, but the accident has been as much a financial as physical hardship. There continue to be regular fundraising events for the man, who has been not only a great inspiration for the kids he coaches, but as owner of the Living Room, remains one of the most important figures in local music circles for decades. The next time you hear about a benefit for Randy, try to make it out. You’ll be doing something very positive for one of the most positive people we have in the Biggest Little.

. . . to the Rhode Island House of Representatives. The infighting and potential insurrection against House Speaker Bill Murphy should keep us all entertained for months to come. Yes, we know that it’s a ridiculously high price to pay for entertainment in Rhode Island, but P&J have to say that the legislative version of Last Comic Standing is way superior to the television version and a welcome respite from the escalating nastiness of the presidential campaign. Thank you, Karl Rove, for your mammoth attempts to cloud the issues and run on such non-issues as nyah, nyah, Kerry is a liberal and "he’s really not a war hero." Right, and chicken hawks, Dubya, Cheney, and Ashcroft are?

. . . to the BeloJo, for making our day on Sunday with the fab headline typo on page A7, "Rumsfeld’s pubic role is shrinking." We figure that the administration is really in trouble when its acknowledged sex symbol has problems like this. Shouldn’t the correct headline refer to his "pubic roll?" Next up for Rummy, a series of zany commercials, a la Shatner and Nimoy, replacing Mike Ditka as the spokesman for erectile dysfunction.

Send Uri Geller and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.