‘The Journalist’ invades Boston

On July 13, we learned that a known terrorist was en route to Boston. Yes, John DePetro, the radio talk show bloviator, known in intelligence circles as "The Journalist" because of his attempts to masquerade as an actual news reporter, is going to join WRKO in Boston. The Journalist disclosed in a public statement broadcast over WHJJ radio, owned by Clear Channel, which not uncommonly resembles a cog of the Republican attack machine, that he will depart for the Hub some time in August. The Department of Homeland Security has put Boston listeners on the highest "magenta with touches of lavender around the edge" alert that DePetro’s mind-sapping, anti-intellectual ranting will soon come over the airwaves and into their homes. The horrifying impact of exposure to this subconscious form of torture includes diminished intelligence, uncontrollable and unpredictable barking, and heavy drinking before noontime.

Phillipe & Jorge offer our sympathies to the future victims of The Journalist’s dastardly schemes, and pray for the safety of all Beantown residents. (News flash: Director Ridge and Attorney General John Ashcroft have yet to gauge the impact that this may have on the political future of Cranston Mayor Steve "Laugh at Me" Laffey, although the potential collateral damage is thought to be considerable.)

GOOD HANDS, ROCKETMAN

Your superior correspondents recently had some fun at the expense of Channel 10’s Brian "Rocketman" Crandall. The ace JARhead reporter was caught on camera when he blacked out while flying at "G" force with the Thunderbirds jet team during the media day prior to the Quonset Point Air Show. From all reports, he took it with good humor, save for the rock he threw through the picture window at Casa Diablo, with an attached note reading, "Sleep with one eye open, you pooftahs, your days are numbered."

But kudos to Rocketman for his recent live performance on the noon news of July 12, particularly an impromptu stunt of the likes that P&J have never before seen on TV. Just as Crandall began his stand-up on the court proceedings on the Station fire, one of the TV lights on a stanchion fell toward him, in front of the camera. Rocketman calmly snaked out his left hand, caught the light pole, and put it down without missing a beat in his commentary. He even managed to come back from the videotape that followed without being all doubled over in laughter.

Nice catch, Brian. Lucky you were conscious for that one.

DVESS CODE

Among all the other controversies over Harrah’s proposed financial fleecing of Vo Dilun — er, excuse us, we meant to say, "Well-intentioned casino proposal which would greatly benefit the state and all its citizens" — your superior correspondents can’t say we were shocked to learn that the Las Vegas giant has a rather intriguing dress code for its employees. It looks like we’re getting into silly season, searching for the most off-the-wall way to bash the Big Lebowski.

A report in the July 13 BeloJo focused on Harrah’s prevailing appearance demands nationwide. Some cocktail waitresses have had to audition for jobs in swimsuits (no doubt in case they spill drinks on themselves). The wearing of heels is mandatory, certain types of hairdos are not allowed, and the guidelines for makeup, including acceptable colors for fingernail polish, are quite strict. What really galls Phillipe & Jorge is how men are prohibited from wearing makeup, which rules out job opportunities at the casino for us and most of our friends. It also puts an end to any hopes that Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci, our close personal friend and former La Prov mayor, had to work as a greeter once he is released from federal prison.

In the spirit of cooperation for which your superior correspondents are revered, here are a few tips to Harrah’s executives about how they can achieve that distinctive Biggest Little look. For starters, women must have either a barbed wire tattoo on one of their arms, or a scorpion in the middle of their lower back. Hair must be teased-out to at least 10 inches for that quintessential "big hair" look. In deference to the Narragansetts, braided ponytails may be worn, but only if the employee agrees to carry a child on their back in a papoose. Necklaces must be pure gold, and weigh at least eight ounces. They may be adorned only with the crystals usually hung from rearview mirrors in cars. Nails must extend at least two inches from the ends of their fingers (Lee Press-On Nails permitted), and there will be a special insurance rider covering any broken nails, provided the employee doesn’t shriek and drop a drink tray when they are broken.

For male employees, pure gold chains, weighing at least 16 ounces, are mandatory, although heavier weights are encouraged. The only adornment allowed is a standard Nawt Prov "macho mood ring," which is black, unless you get a woodie, in which case it turns red. White wife beater T-shirts may be worn, but only over a black Gold’s Gym sleeveless T-shirt two sizes too small. (Alternate outfit: sports replica jersey, Brady or Garciaparra preferred, accompanied by ball cap turned backwards.) Also necessary: barbed wire tattoo on at least one arm, and a jungle animal or reptile larger than three inches, in a visible spot. Hair must be no longer than 1/4 inch, shaved head preferred. (On the wild chance that a Native American is actually hired to work at the casino, special dispensation given for a ponytail.) Jeans or tight black pants only, special Harrah’s sock for insertion into front provided by management.

We’re ready to roll those dice, Harrah’s. What cheer, Netop?

HYPOCRISY WITH A CAPITAL 'H'

Since we assume that President Bush is "running on his record," what is all this stupid stuff coming out of the Rove machine, pointing out that Kerry and Edwards are both wealthy? Since when did Republicans start dissing the wealthy? Since never, is the correct answer, Alex.

As a campaign strategy, trying to point out that the Democrat team is wealthy is really stupid, especially coming from Bush (big time inherited wealth) and Cheney (wealth thanks to his period with Halliburton and other corporate whoredoms). Is this desperate shit or what? Does anyone doubt that the wealthiest of the wealthy are 90 percent behind Bush? Then why whine about a certain sub-sect among the wealthy who do not believe that the world is all about their self-interest?

The way your superior correspondents see it is that virtually everyone who has run for president since, oh, maybe Harry Truman, was wealthy compared to the average citizen of the U.S. of A.

Once again, we call upon all of the candidates (just once, just for a few minutes) to address the issue that we would like to see discussed. This is the ever-widening gap between the rich and the poor. We don’t care about "the economy." If a couple with two kids is making, let’s say, a combined income of $75,000, then they are not vacationing in Europe. They are not thinking about buying a boat. They are hardly able to consider buying a house of their own, and are seriously sweating putting the kids through college. Are we right or are we wrong?

Is it a little odd that the richest country in the world is the only industrialized nation that continues to resist the idea of universal health-care? Do we see the next 10 (or 20) of the wealthiest countries in the world debating whether to dump their health-care systems and adopt the American model, because it’s sooooo successful? Don’t think we’ve seen that.

Wake up, America. This country, its free market is marvelous (when fairly regulated) and its Constitution is fabulous (when not being eroded by perversions like the "Patriot Act"). These are truly admirable — something that the whole world can emulate and learn from. Bush’s idea — that there is nothing that we can learn from the rest of the world — is an arrogant and stupid assumption. This is the most radically wrong-headed bunch to occupy the White House in our entire history. James Buchanan and Warren G. Harding look like visionaries in comparison.

Kerry’s rich, Edwards is rich, Bush is rich, and Cheney is rich. Is this an issue? The pathetic Republicans will switch sides in a heartbeat. Remember states’ rights vs. big central government? Isn’t that a solid Republican position? Now how about the far right’s embrace of a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, rather than leaving it up to the states? Do they have "core" beliefs or not? They are hypocrites and arrogant to boot.

NOT-SO-CANDID CAMERA

It’s not often that a Casa Diablo regular pops up in the pages of the Grey Lady, but caught in the act of being himself this past week in the pages of the New York Times was the Phoenix’s own news editor, Ian Donnis. Ian was captured, beaming, under the huppah at the wedding of his mom, Florenz Greenberg to Hy Eisman. If you are a comix fan, perhaps the latter name will bring a flash of recognition. Mr. Eisman, 77, is the man behind the legendary Popeye, as well as The Katzenjammer Kids, these days.

The Greenberg/Eisman nuptials were the featured wedding in the "Sunday Styles" section of the Times last week, and the entire Phoenix family would like to congratulate the newlyweds. Those who have been to the Donnis crib on the East Side of Providence have long admired the Popeye illustration visible under refrigerator magnets in Ian’s kitchen. When called on it, Ian would acknowledge, "Yeah, my mom goes out with the guy who does Popeye." How cool is that? (Well, actually about as cool as getting into the Donnis kitchen, as our news editor is also a first-rate cook whose gourmet meals are always anticipated by your superior correspondents.)

Kudos and congrats to Hy and Florenz (a literary eminence herself, as managing editor at CavanKerry Press, a nonprofit literary publisher in Fort Lee, New Jersey). May they continue to be cool and productive in the coming years.

Send Champagne and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.