Shock and hee-haw

Yes, another Captain Renault moment when the Other Paper revealed last week that the Narragansett Indians would not actually own the new casino they are proposing in partnership with Harrah’s, but merely reap profits from it. We are shocked — shocked! — to receive such news.

Chief Sachem Matthew Thomas might mitigate the very apt public cynicism this will likely breed by describing on paper how the millions in profits will be divvied up within the tribe — such as for education and early childhood programs, infrastructure improvement, health-care, and the like.

Some of you will remember how then-Senate Majority Leader John "Arrogance" Hawkins promised that money made by the Rhode Island Lottery would go toward local education to get some legislation passed.

Hey, Education Commissioner Peter McWalters (one of P&J’s favorite people, by the way), are you enjoying all that funding?

LISTEN TO YOUR ELDERS

An unctuous MSNBC reporter interviewed a D-Day veteran outfitted in a uniform bedecked with numerous medals. He asks the vet his age:

"Eighty-two years old."

"Eighty-two years young might

be a better way of putting it."

"Up your ass."

We are informed from the Progressive Review, via our friend Richard W., that this exchange actually took place over the weekend of the 60th anniversary of D-Day, and Imus has been running repeats of the broadcast. We’re sorry we missed it because it’s the one exchange that would have left us cheering. It presents what we suspect is a typical representative of the "greatest generation" revealing a bit of what he thinks of the great American dumbing-down machine.

We cannot overstate the heroism of the Allied forces that stormed the beaches, looking death in the eye and yet kept on coming. It’s overwhelming to think of that level of courage and sacrifice. But something else must also be said about World War II. It was a time of a real coalition, and it took real diplomacy to hold it together. And yes, greater carnage took place on the eastern front, where it was the Soviet army that reversed the course of the war and made it possible for the great counterattack at Normandy.

As we watched some of the recent coverage of the dedication of the World War II Memorial and the festivities in France, P&J got the sense that some younger viewers might not get that part of the story — that this was a coordinated and shared effort, unlike today.

The vast majority of the nations in the "coalition of the willing" are there because the USA owns their ass. Bush’s Lone Ranger approach to international affairs may, in the long run, be the biggest mistake he’s made in a long list of mistakes. Only time will tell, but by then, it may be too late.

GET KNOTTED

Your superior correspondents have knots in our stomach because of the level of intelligence recently displayed in a letter to a constituent by state Senator Steve Alves. Part of the letter, published in whole in a June 8 op-ed column by Ed Achorn, the Urinal’s deputy editorial page editor, reads, "I guess until we have a 2 class system of the haves and have knots . . . " It appears Stevie must have missed more than two classes in English during his school days.

DIRTY MOUTHS, DIRTY DEALINGS

Since most of the mainstream media have only alluded to it as part of the ongoing investigations into Enron’s secret dealing in driving up Western power rates, here’s a little sample of the discourse between Enron employees about their price-gouging (as reported by the valiant Vince Gonzales of CBS News):

"They’re f-----g taking all the money back from you guys?" complains an Enron employee on the tapes. "All the money you guys stole from those poor grandmothers in California?"

"Yeah, grandma Millie, man"

"Yeah, now she wants her f-----g money back for all the power you’ve charged right up, jammed right up her a------ for f-----g $250 a megawatt hour."

Enron traders are also on tape singing, "Burn, Baby, Burn" when a major California transmission line was shut due to a forest fire. Considering this, you might want to ask yourself why it has taken so long for Dubya’s good pal, "Kenny Boy" Lay and his henchman at Enron, Jeff Skilling, to be held to account. If anyone deserves to fry, it is those two.

HAIL AND FAREWELL

No one will miss going to College Hill Bookstore on Thayer Street more than Phillipe and Jorge, who had spent hours since the 1960s browsing the aisles, seeking — and usually finding — many of the array of books that shaped our lives. Stopping in to review the new arrivals was almost required whenever your superior correspondents and our friends walked by. Adios, old friend.

SQUEEZE ME

A golfing buddy pulled aside your superior correspondents, informing us of how his grandson — who just returned from fighting in Iraq — had been able to shake hands with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld when Rummy was doing one of his little "Wuss in Boots" photo op parades in the Middle East. The grandson informed his aged relative about how faux-warrior Rummy shook hands like a limp washcloth, and it made the young man shudder. Between flapping his hands and arms around like Butterfly "Prissy" McQueen in Gone with the Wind, and now shaking hands like a sissy, we wonder just what tendencies Rummy may be trying to balance by taking us into a fraudulent war. It’s okay, Rummy, let it all come out — we’re with you on this one, if not the war in Iraq.

COURAGE KNOWS NO COUNTRIES

On June 5, the 15th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre in Beijing was overshadowed by the very appropriate level of attention devoted to the 60th anniversary of D-Day (and P&J were glued to the History Channel in the entire week before this, often with lumps in our throats and tears in our eyes). Kudos to the BeloJo for its excellent full-page photo-montage remembering the 1989 event. Perhaps no image better expresses the sentiment of international support for this cry for democracy — which ended in carnage — more than the famous shot of one man in a simple white shirt and dark slacks, holding what looks like a shopping bag, halting a line of tanks on Changan Boulevard near the square by standing in front of them.

One of P&J’s most memorable recollections of that failed revolt — the replica of the Statue of Liberty that dissidents built and pushed out into Tiananmen Square, in one of the finest-ever tributes to the freedoms we enjoy in America — was not shown. Unfortunately, thanks to then-president George H.W. Bush, father of our current fearful leader, George D.W.I. Bush, the US failed to challenge the aging tyrants in the Chinese government as they murdered their citizens in the streets that day. The Bushes — a wonderful legacy.

WILD IN THE STREETS

An ink-stained Casa Diablo regular tells your superior correspondents that, along with many other residents of Our Little Towne, he is disturbed by an apparent trend. It used to be that you practically had to drive into a cruiser to get the attention of La Prov’s finest. Now, though, it seems that the Little Chi Chi think tank has decided to copy an old Pawtucket trick (still practiced with alacrity in the Bucket). This is to fill up the city coffers with money obtained through aggressive traffic enforcement.

A fragrant friend of our friend (hey . . . this is starting to sound like The Sopranos) recently got nailed for driving at 37 mph in a 25 mph zone, in an area we know well near Allens Avenue. There is rarely a pedestrian around this stretch, and virtually everyone consistently drives over the speed limit. Actually, when you think of it, people habitually drive over the posted speed limit in every area of the city, so this method of civic fundraising amounts to (in the immortal words of the recently departed George Tenet) "a slam dunk."

Our friend’s friend did, however, provide us with a scenario that might just work if you are a) an older woman, and b) find yourself being flagged for speeding by one of Providence’s finest:

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see . . . Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

You may have seen the item in Monday’s "Political Scene" column in the BeloJo about US Attorney General John Ashcroft making an unexpected visit to the State House a couple of weeks ago. Your superior correspondents had earlier seen Ashcroft identified by sportscaster Jerry Remy on the tube in one of those high rollers’ suites at a Boston Red Sox game.

The Urinal reported that while the AG was visiting the State House, he bumped into State Senator Michael Damiani (D-East Providence), who later described his encounter to a reporter, noting that he told Ashcroft, "We’re pretty much on the same page as far as law enforcement goes."

What exactly does that mean? "I’m with Ashcroft in his attempts to shred the Constitution and make the USA more like a police state"? Will someone please run against this guy?

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