The Randy Newman honorary doctorate

We knew our little Boy George Bush couldn’t eat pretzels and watch football on TV at the same time. Now it turns out he still needs training wheels on his bike. Can’t you just see Condee "Queen Lotsateetha" Rice holding his new two-wheeler steady as he gets on, and then pushing him down the road? Can you see George, a mouth guard bulging from his lips, and an oversized crash helmet, with flame decals on the sides, on his head, as he takes a spill while trying to negotiate his first corner? "Squoze the Bactine!" time, and maybe a kiss on the scraped knee from Condee. Thank God, the mouth guard didn’t prevent him from giving his vacuous and content-challenged "speech" about Iraq to the breathless (read: snoring) nation on May 24. It sounded like he still had the protector in place when he tried to pronounce "Abu Ghraib." The man does instill confidence, doesn’t he?

It was a much less publicized appearance on May 21 that Phillipe and Jorge enjoyed for polishing Dubya’s image as an astute world leader. Georgie Boy gave the commencement address at Louisiana State University, a Southern bastion full of nice, white folks, who most likely wouldn’t embarrass their fearless, AWOL during ’Nam-leader. Not only did P&J get a chuckle about how he got an honorary doctorate in science — a topic in which the born-again creationist-friendly Dubya doesn’t even believe (sit down this minute, Mr. Darwin!) — we couldn’t help recalling the famous lyrics from Randy Newman’s amazing song, "Rednecks":

We got no-necked oilmen from Texas

And good ol’ boys from Tennessee

And college men from LSU

Went in dumb — come out dumb too

Congratulations, Doctor Dubya. Life imitates art, number 1275.

CAT FIGHT

Your superior correspondents can just imagine that Urinal columnist M. Chuckie Bakst is none too amused by editorial columnist Eddie Achorn’s May 25 implication that Chuckie swallowed the act of AFL-CIO president Frank Montanaro, chairman of the board of Blue Cross & Blue Shield of Rhode Island. Eddie was commenting on Merrill B.’s May 23 Sunday BeloJo column on the union boss and political wheeler-dealer. We can’t wait to see this confrontation on Fountain Street. Handbags at 10 paces, girls! Chuckie, be careful that Eddie doesn’t try to scratch your eyes out with the tweed sleeves of his jacket!

SAILING TALL

Phillipe and Jorge have known Newport Mayor Richard Sardella for decades, so we are not surprised to have seen him rise to the occasion recently on two highly publicized issues.

First, Richard has tried coming to the rescue of this summer’s Tall Ships Festival, in which the ships were to cross the west passage of Narragansett Bay. This display was initially threatened by the bogus "terrorist threat" security precautions from Tom Ridge’s preposterous Department of Homeland Security. These color-coded warnings make as much of a mockery of real threats as religious zealot John Ashcroft’s Patriot Act. Local communities were saying the majestic sailing parade would overtax their law enforcement budgets, a lame excuse at best. Organizers ultimately opted to scrap the fest, citing the lack of a practical safety strategy. At least Mayor Sardella is trying to ensure that some of the non-Chicken Little communities will revel in the attraction, not to mention the beneficial effect for local businesses and the state’s image. (Quick quiz for the Bushies: What is today’s level of alert? Tangerine? Fuschia? Color P&J disgusted.)

We also got to spend a little time with Richard following the tragic accident during last week’s pub crawl in Newport — which he did everything in his power to prevent. The crawl resulted in the horrific death of Fairfield University’s senior class valedictorian just before the commencement address he was about to deliver — an innocent victim of a situation that escalated beyond anyone’s worst imagination.

Rather than worrying about any negative publicity this front-page horror show might cause for his city, Sardella was concerned, first and foremost, about the young man who had died, and the impact on his family and friends. It wasn’t a show for the cameras or media, and P&J take some liberties in even referring to what was, in fact, a private conversation. We do it because, in an age where politicians are shallower and more concerned about how they are perceived, Richard Sardella has demonstrated to us what leadership is meant to be all about. This is why he deserves the support not just of P&J, but all the citizens of Newport and the Biggest Little. May he inspire others.

HALLMARKS

P&J were delighted to be the guest of dynamic Dan Doyle, thinker of deep thoughts and head ramrod of the Institute for International Sport, at the institute’s Rhode Island Scholar-Athlete Hall of Fame Induction ceremony on May 15. The hall honors outstanding local individuals who have even a passing relationship with sports or the outdoors, and this year’s crop was a beauty, with many well-deserving old friends of P&J. In addition to Brown alums Senator Linc Chafee, Governor Don Carcieri, and Attorney General Patrick Lynch, who respectively wrestled, and played football, and basketball for the Bears, Senator Jack Reed, a West Pointer who confined his athletics to more extreme games, such as jumping out of airplanes as the commander of a paratrooper battalion in the Army, was also honored. Old pals (and also Brown alums) Russ Tyler and Dennis Coleman were inducted, Rusty for behind-the-scenes support of Brown basketball, and Coleman for his incredible work on behalf of black athletes, something that goes virtually unnoticed by the Little Rhody media, to its discredit. And just to show that the media-shy Doyle has some sense of the world of modern TV, Biggest Little "Survivor" Elisabeth (Filarski) Hasselbeck got a nod this year as well.

The highlight of the evening had to be when Phillipe inadvertently escorted to the registration desk a gorgeous and glamorous lady of a certain age, as we beamed smiles back and forth. She turned out to be none other than Dr. Tenley Albright, the 1956 US Olympic gold medalist in figure skating, and she paved the way for our infatuation with such ice queens as Peggy Fleming and Dorothy Hamill. Indeed, one of P&J’s friends is named Tenley — from Texas, no less — and she was given her name in honor of Ms. Albright. The good doctor Albright, who was inducted into the international wing of the Hall of Fame, still cuts a pretty good figure eight, we must say.

A LEGEND WITH LOCAL CONNECTIONS

We didn’t see any obits for Ritchie Cordell, but P&J are indebted to our friend Rick Bellaire, a veteran Vo Dilun musician, songwriter, and keeper of the local rock ‘n’ roll flame, for alerting us to his passing. Rick writes to tell us, "Ritchie was a tremendously successful, behind-the-scenes mover-and-shaker in popular music for the last 40 years. With his primary partner, Bo Gentry, Ritchie became incredibly successful during the mid-1960s." He co-wrote and produced "Mony, Mony" and "I Think We’re Alone Now" for Tommy James & the Shondells. He also produced Joan Jett’s first four albums (including the seminal I Love Rock N Roll).

The local angle goes back to the early ’60s. If you really know your local rock history — which translates into: "If you don’t know who the Mad Peck or Big Al are, you’ve got to go back to school" — you are familiar with the names Anders and Poncia (i.e., Rhode Island natives Peter Andreoli and Vincent Poncia Jr.). They were major figures in the performance and production ends of rock ‘n’ roll from the early ’60s on. They were also leaders of the legendary Rhode Island doo-wop group the Videls. Rick B. continues: "Gentry and Cordell teamed with Pete and Vini for many songs and productions while at Buddah/Kama Sutra, and later, Map City Records. Ritchie was involved in recordings with many RI-based acts including the Tradewinds, the Innocence, the Blue Jays and Dick Domaine. He had a chart hit with another [regionally] prominent group, the Stompers ("Never Tell an Angel" in 1983). Ritchie’s life and achievements were celebrated at a gathering in NYC on May 1 and attended by members of the Shondells, Jay and the Americans, and the Late Night with David Letterman staff and many other music business luminaries, as well as family and friends."

In the past few years, Bellaire and his longtime songwriting partner, John Dunn, formed ABCD Music with Cordell and Anders. This is local pop culture history. If the Phoenix doesn’t weigh in, no one will, and we thank Rick for the heads-up on a passing that deserves to be noted.

BOB COLONNA UPDATE

Recently, your superior correspondents received an e-mail from our friend Bob Colonna. As you may recall, we noted about a month back that some terrible things had been visited upon this great Vo Dilun artist. His son, Tony, died suddenly in California and Bob’s house then burned down, all in the same week.

We don’t have to tell you that the vast majority of artists, even those as talented and accomplished as Mr. Colonna, do not make the big bucks unless they are also extremely fortunate. Of course, "rich" is a relative term, and anyone conversant with theater in the Ocean State over the past 35 years or so has seen and been enriched by the work of Bob Colonna. He continues to perform at the top of his game, as evidenced by his universally lauded Willie Loman in 2nd Story’s Death of a Salesman about six months back).

Bob has this to say:

I’m doing ok, working hard, found very nice new digs, and am dealing with Tony’s death on a daily basis with help from my beautiful Armenian partner, Linda, and many others. Tim Crowe and my friends and former employees at Trinity got up a fund for me, and so did Ed Shea and the people at 2nd Story, both of which produced a flood of response that was touching and much appreciated. So, you, me, all of us keep on truckin’.

Much love, Bob Colonna

We want to offer a reminder that the address to help one of our state’s true theatrical treasures is: The Colonna Memorial Fund for Sydney and Michael, 22681 East Cliff Drive, Santa Cruz, CA 95062. We’ll be sending in a check this week and we hope that you do, too.

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW . . .

Yes, that was veteran Vo Dilun radio personality Carolyn Fox on NBC’s Today show on Tuesday, May 25. The segment featured Carolyn discussing some of her thoughts on raising her kids, with lots of footage of her doing glamorous stuff along the lines of making lunch and getting the laundry together. Sorry, no dick jokes.

Send noise machines and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.