Et tu, Rummy?

Beginning with preview performances on May 13, the Feinstein-Gamm Theatre in Pawtucket will stage a modern-day version of Billy Shakespeare’s classic Julius Caesar. The play is being directed by Judith Swift, Phillipe and Jorge’s favorite drama queen, who doubles in her totally slow lane, uncluttered life as interim vice provost for academic affairs at URI, where she has taught the performing arts for years. Judith also shares your superior correspondents’ worldview, making this version of Julius Caesar an absolute must-see for Casa Diablo regulars.

In describing her approach, Ms. Swift informs us, "We live in a post-9/11 world wherein much of what would have been unthinkable to our founding fathers has become commonplace: detaining prisoners without right to counsel or a speedy trial; a preemptive strike on another nation; and a Supreme Court justice who believes the press should not be allowed to record his comments on the Constitution. Ghosts may wander the plains of Philippi, but they as surely wander the streets and alleyways of Iraq. Some of these casualties matter; some are collateral damage. Most importantly, we are all now accustomed to the world of news media in which each event gets its own theme song and logo. War is, as the marketers say, branded. Journalists are now embedded, and the outsourcing of nation building is the modern day equivalent of the gold rush. Edward R. Murrow — a great journalist who would surely not elect to join the Fox News team — once noted, ‘A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.’ Well, the wolf is at the door . . . Are the Bushes any less dynastic than the Caesars? Is the bitter power struggle between Congress and Bush over the abuse of prisoners of war any different than that between the Senate and Caesar?"

P&J will be eating popcorn in the balcony for at least one performance at the Feinstein-Gamm Theatre, and we urge you to catch this nouveau J.C.-in-D.C. thriller. Call (401) 723-4266 for tickets, visit www.gammtheatre.org, or buy online at www.arttixri.com. Be there or be square.

PUMP THIS

As you ponder life while fueling your car at $2 a gallon, think about this. Is it sheer coincidence that: 1) we have a president and vice president who are wholly owned subsidiaries of Big Oil, and 2) we are getting price-gouged by their oil industry friends to the point where Andy Jackson winces on the $20 bill?

Boy George said he was going to be such a big hitter with the friendly sons of the desert in the OPEC countries that this would never happen (unless, of course, he approved it so his pals can profit prior to a pre-arranged drop in price just before the November elections). But Dubya seems to be coming up a little short, as usual. George H.W. Bush and his son, George D.W.I. Bush, have long ties to the Saudi royal family, part of the cartel now pumping Americans for every buck they can get. They seem to care little about their buddies in Kennebunkport and DC. But we’re sure Dubya will suck up to them in time to cash in on past favors for the nation that brought us the majority of the 9/11 terrorists

It’s too bad Dubya quit drinking, because he could probably use a couple shots of Wild Turkey to rid himself of the taste of the Saudi royals’ derricks.

PUTTING OUT A CONTRACT

P&J are very disturbed to learn that some of the interrogators in Iraq, including those implicated in the Iraqi prisoner abuse mess, are private contractors — not members of the US military.

Members of a government’s military must be accountable for their actions to a sovereign governing authority, facing possible criminal penalties through court martial and loss of job and pension, or perhaps even jail time, as many of the enlisted personnel involved in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal now do. Private contractors face simply the loss of their job — unless the World Court goes after them, and that’s not bloody likely — and they can then move on to where their skills are needed, possibly in Kosovo or Chechnya. (The Israelis, Chinese, and North Koreans, among others, train their own pros, don’tcha know.)

Private contractors have no more accountability than the people who we are fighting, who also hold no allegiance and are not governed by any country’s flag. This in itself is a disgrace, making it much more understandable why the abuses took place.

Torture for hire — think about that the next time you see Dubya, Rummy, George Tenet, or any member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff on TV, trying to cover their ass, pleading ignorance about dehumanizing and sadistic behavior by Americans, now available in perpetuity in black and white.

SOX FEVER

Perhaps you read our intrepid news editor Ian Donnis’s feature a couple of weeks back about his re-found baseball jones and love of the Red Sox. He shared this recent gem from one of his favorite Web sites, www.bostondirtdogs.com:

After Tuesday night’s game [on May 4], the local media was interviewing Cleveland pitcher Jason Davis after the game, asking him about what was said to Manny [Ramirez] after the home run pimp. Davis didn’t really want to get into it, but after the question was asked again, Jason started to answer that "It was no big deal" Then suddenly a local Cleveland radio guy (not the flagship station) interrupts Davis’s answer to ask his own softball question. Dave Heuschkel of the Hartford Courant chimes in again with the original question about Manny pimping.

Fast forward to the press box later. The radio goon was told by members of the Boston media that he was being disrespectful and shouldn’t interrupt the beat guys when they’re getting quotes for their game stories. Radio Rambo got all bent out of shape. Things got heated. Heuschkel says, "Yeah, but you don’t do anything except hold a mic." Cleveland Radio Guy says, "Well, at least I don’t work for a shitbag paper like the Providence Journal!"

Everyone turns around and ProJo beat writer Joe McDonald says, "He doesn’t work for the Providence Journal . . . I do."

The radio guy takes off for the bathroom stall. Everyone’s sitting around, and then a few minutes later, McDonald says, "I’m going after him," and takes off.

At some point, one of the writers goes to the men’s room and sees a guy standing in the stall (not on the toilet). He leaves the bathroom, and there’s a crowd around the door. Everyone is asking if the radio jerk is in there. Local writer says, "He’s either hiding or taking the longest (time) ever."

Finally, they get back to the press box. Radio guy comes back and apologizes to our New England reporters. Heuschkel responds, "I work for the Hartford Courant." Radio dude says, "Yeah . . . that’s a great newspaper." McDonald says, "I work at the Providence Journal." Radio Guy says, "Yeah, that’s a good paper too." He was now scared and very apologetic. They shook hands.

The Cleveland writers thanked the Boston writer for calling the bad reputation radio guy out on this. That’s all, folks.

P&J confirmed this story with another knight of the keyboard from the BeloJo’s toy, excuse us, sports department. Our source notes that since McDonald is an ex-hockey player, Radio Rambo was quite lucky to be absent when Joe went after him. The source said he congratulated McDonald for defending the paper’s honor (to paraphrase Groucho, "which is more than its publisher ever did"), and your superior correspondents offer our own kudos and congrats.

THE NEW PHONE BOOK

So, are you enjoying the new "super-size me" phone book?

This situation recalls one of the most humorous typos of all time regarding the issuance of the phone book in the early 1990s for the metropolitan area of the Biggest Little’s capital city. Along the spine it read: "Providence and Vinicity."

Yo, Paz!

MESSAGE FROM OUR FRIENDS

Have the Bush apologists in the USA come to the point where they don’t care what the rest of the world thinks? We’d like to think not, but for those who don’t read anything in the international press, here are a few excerpts from a New York Times piece on May 9 that should give one pause. The article, entitled "Europeans Like Bush Even Less Than Before," read as follows: "Across Europe, anti-Bush feeling has contributed to a consensus that the coming American election is of singular importance: for the United States, certainly, but also for the rest of the world. Anxieties about the direction America is going are accompanied by a passionate desire, cutting across national borders and party lines, to see President Bush voted out of office in November . . .

"In Britain, America’s staunchest ally in the war in Iraq, a poll of 1007 people taken last month [for] The Times of London by the British polling company Populus found support for Senator John Kerry over President Bush by a margin of 56 to 22 percent . . . In France, the poll found [Bush] had a an 85 percent negative rating . . . in Germany, 85 percent, in Russia, 60 percent . . . Nick Clegg, a British Liberal Democrat . . . said it was ‘difficult to exaggerate’ the European hope that President Bush would lose the election — particularly in Brussels, whose multilateral ethos is mightily offended by Mr. Bush’s unilateralism."

BETTING MEN

It’s time for the Rummy pool. How long before Donald Rumsfeld is forced to resign? The local template would be Battista and Blue Cross, but we’ve seen this dance many, many times before. The slow drip, drip, drip of more disgraceful pictures, the slow leaking of the news that, indeed, this was not the case of just a few misguided individuals, but pretty much the structure and policies the Bushies had in mind all along. Bet the farm on it: the only thing that Rumsfeld and Bush are "sorry" about is that they’ve been caught. Rummy’s got a lot of juice built up over the years, so we say he hangs in their for almost a month, perhaps 40 days.

KUDOS AND CONGRATS . . .

. . . to state Senator Michael J. Damiani. This same Damiani was irate because of legislation that would disqualify him from wearing his handgun around the State House and who prances about Halitosis Hall with an unlit cigar in his mouth, because he doesn’t agree with aspects of the anti-smoking legislation. Last week, he made headlines by showing up at a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on a bill concerning new requirements for immigrants seeking driver’s licenses. According to numerous witnesses, he grabbed the mic, announcing he had "called the INS" and that anyone who wasn’t legal in the country "should leave now."

Damiani couldn’t understand how this was intimidation (there were scores of immigrants attending the hearing). Does anyone recall any useful legislation initiated by this guy? Damiani appears to exist in that rarified space reserved for genius legislators. Please, can we get some folks who can stand on their hind legs for more than 15 minutes at a time to run against these superstars?

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