Wo-man the battle stations!

The Bushies have one huge problem. They just can’t stop lying.

We all knew Condee Rice was blowing it out her satin shorts when she testified before the 9/11 commission. This was expected. But she had to take it just one more, absolutely unbelievable step further. She said that during the summer preceding 9/11, President Boy George, in his usual sharp, forward-thinking way, "had us at battle stations during this period of time." Well, the Washington Post did a little investigation into what those battle stations were for the president, especially after Dubya received the briefing memo so cryptically titled, "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in USA." ("I can’t figure it out, Condee. What are they trying to tell me?")

Dubya, as is his wont, spent most of his August in Crawford, Texas, playing golf at times. (Perhaps he was simultaneously searching for terrorists with O.J. Simpson, in case the real murderer of O.J.’s wife turned out to be a caddie secretly operating for Al Qaeda.) He spent the rest of the time occasionally meeting with lawmakers, and attending fundraisers and large group picnics. But we can be sure, in the world according to Queen Lotsateetha, that Dubya was always on the alert.

If you need Phillipe and Jorge any time soon, we’ll be at our battle stations on the 19th hole of Rhode Island Country Club, with a cold Pernod and grapefruit in hand. But we’ll be ready for action, we swear on a stack of Bibles.

A LESS GOOD ANSWER

When people go to the polls this November, they should also look at the folks with whom the presidential candidates surround themselves. Birds of a feather go together, as they say, and for this reason, President Flight Suit should be knocked off his perch after even a cursory look at the likes of stonewaller "Big Time" Cheney, the ventriloquist who will shortly be doing his voice-throwing trick with President Puppet Head before the 9/11 commission. There’s talk show favorite Queen Lotsateetha Rice, who couldn’t give a straight answer with a gun to her head, and, of course, Rummy Rumsfeld, the man who still won’t admit he understaffed our armed forces in Iraq.

Rummy’s miscalculation has led, with the blessing of President Flight Suit and Big Time, to the death of hundreds of brave American soldiers, and injuries to more than 1000 (dead and wounded Iraqis don’t count since they aren’t people like us). But here is the respect he shows the American public while trying to explain himself at a Pentagon briefing, as horrifically described by Maureen Dowd:

Even though the assumptions the Bush administration used to go to war have now proved to be astonishingly arrogant, naïve and ideological, Mr. Rumsfeld is as testy and Delphic as ever about the fragility of Iraq.

"We’re trying to explain how things are going, and they are going as they are going," he said, adding: "Some things are going well and some things obviously are not going well. You’re going to have good days and bad days." On the road to democracy, this "is one moment, and there will be other moments. And there will be good moments and there will be less good moments."

Things, meaning increasing daily American casualties in Iraq, "are going as they are going"?!?! "Less good moments"?!?! American soldiers being blown away are "less good moments"?!?! Translated into English, you might as well read it this way: "The American public can go fuck themselves, and I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think. I am right and will always be right, and will never apologize or explain myself. And you bastards are stupid enough to never demand of the president that we take accountability, because you don’t realize he’s ducking the issue, too."

Sleep tight, America, and remember, despite what our boy Rummy, Saddam’s old chum from the 1980s, thinks, your vote counts.

MORE BAD THINGS HAPPENING TO GOOD PEOPLE

P&J have learned that Bob Colonna, a theatrical institution here in the Ocean State, has suffered a couple of tremendous losses recently. His son, Tony, died suddenly in California, where he had been living. A week and a half before that, Bob’s apartment building burned. This is a serious double whammy of horrible news. Bob Colonna has touched and enriched our lives here for decades. His late, lamented Rhode Island Shakespeare Theater was a vital training ground for dozens of young actors and performers. His own performances, with Trinity Rep and many other theater groups, have thrilled, amused, and excited us for years. A memorial fund has been established, and we’re certain that Bob’s many friends would want to lend a hand. Contributions can be sent to: The Colonna Memorial Fund for Sydney and Michael, 22681 East Cliff Drive, Santa Cruz, CA 95062.

WHOOPS!

Funny how Pat DiPrete dropped her attempt to get part of her disgraced husband Ed the Gerber Baby’s pension. Phillipe and Jorge are horrified and disgusted how some people imply that Pat bailed out because of the court’s insistence that the DiPretes make full disclosure of their finances, and that the family’s straits were perhaps not as dire as the former first lady suggested. We instead applaud her tremendous generosity and concern for the average taxpayer by offering to save the state the money it would spend in arguing the case against her. She’s a saint, and we won’t hear one bad word said about her. (Now where did you stash the dough, Gerb?)

DUMB AND DUMBER

It is always frightening to see 20-year-olds making career choices for people, but this is just what is happening to local basketball hoopsters Dustin Hellenga of URI and Rob Sanders of Providence College. Both recently announced their departure from school, Hellenga for reasons which may be legit, or because he doesn’t like his "role" on the team. Sanders is leaving because he seems to be getting bad advice, possibly because of the 20-year-old in charge of his life — himself.

Hellenga seems dissatisfied in Kingston, even though he was a fan favorite and his winning basket against USC on the night of the Rams first game at the Ryan Center will become part of Rams’ basketball lore. Similarly, Sanders was a crowd-pleaser at PC with his stylized dunks. But due to broken fingers suffered during the season, he became less and less a factor in the team’s ultimate success. For this perceived slight — and rumors that he didn’t spend a great deal of time cracking the books — he abruptly departed, no doubt thinking a bright future lay elsewhere.

Sorry, boys, but you are deluding yourselves. College athletes, especially basketball players, are spoon-fed from the time they show any talent. They also are told they will end up in the NBA, a sucker’s bet at best, unless one is the elite of the elite. That doesn’t prevent nearly all of them from listing, "Play in the NBA" in college media guides as their career goal. "Become an astronaut" would be more realistic. While leagues do exist overseas, the idea that a generally uneducated young man with little worldly experience will like that setup — especially trying to learn the required language — or last under living conditions that will make college look like the Ritz Carlton, is highly unlikely. If it turns out Hellenga’s problems are family-related, he might have a chance. For Sanders, the chances appear slim and none. Young recruits and current players — follow their lives from this point and take note.

APPRECIATING A ROSE

On Monday, April 19, the Friends of Rose Weaver will be celebrating the 55th birthday of one of our state’s greatest artists, at the Hi-Hat club in Davol Square, Providence from 6 to 8 p.m. They’re calling the event, "This Mama is Just Getting Started," and it kicks off a campaign to take Rose’s acclaimed one-woman show, Menopause Mama, on the road.

"The fundraising event will support the national marketing strategy for Menopause Mama, positioning Rose as a spokesperson for the dialogue on our culture’s attitudes with the aging process," a press release notes. It’s also an opportunity to thank this great singer, actress, playwright, and educator for her time, talent, and all the joy she has spread in our community for many years. The Friends of Rose Weaver is a volunteer group of supporters who have organized to bring the message of Rose’s show to a wider audience.

There will be music, a cash bar, and birthday cake. Tickets are available starting at $55 and you can call (401) 272-3604 for info. We Vo Dilunduhs know that Rose is a world-class talent. She has, of course, played to larger audiences with her film and television roles, but these only hint at her artistry. Let’s not be stingy. Let’s share her talent with the rest of the world. If only a small percentage of those who have been touched by Rose Weaver’s work over the years make it to the Hi-Hat on Monday night, the place will be overflowing.

R.I.P., CHRIS CLARK

Much has been said and written since the passing of sportscaster Chris Clark. The words have been kind and thoughtful, just like the man. It may be hard for people who were not around at the time to grasp, but Chris Clark was the dominant sports broadcaster around here in a way that nobody has equaled. He was huge.

Jorge had the opportunity to meet Chris on a few occasions (it was a thrill) back in the late 1960s. One evening, we went out to dinner at Iggy’s, then the campus restaurant of choice in the Kingston area. Jorge’s dormitory room at the University of Rhode Island was next to Chris Clark Jr.’s and they were good friends. Sadly, Chris Junior died at a very young age because of aplastic anemia. Hearing of Chris Clark’s passing brought on a rush of warm memories. Bless them both, father and son, for they were wonderful people.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Thanks to our friends Elizabeth and June, and messenger BB, for pointing out the following howler in an April 7 story in the Urinal on Governor Don Carcieri’s demand that state Labor Relations Board chair Walter Lanni step down due to a conflict of interest. Instead of being neutral, he is a former board member of his firefighter’s union, and thus is disposed to side with such board members as Frank Montanaro, a veteran union official and Lanni friend who is president of the RI AFL-CIO and RI State Association of Firefighters. "I’ve never seen anything like this," Montanaro told the BeloJo. "I’ve never seen anyone who used political power to try to get people to vote the way they wanted them to vote."

Oh, Frankie, you political babe in the woods you. And did you know the Pope is of the Jewish persuasion?

Send high-stakes dudgeon and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j@ phx.com.